Depression Support Group
Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.
Hi, I just recently stumbled on this website while trying to find help for my depression. It feels strange sharing how I feel and I'm not sure what to write but I thought I'd give it a try.
I've been depressed for 4 years. I got help and was seeing a social worker on and off. I even tried antidepressants when things got bad but experienced negative side effects. It was quite scary. I've never been more terrifed and scared of myself then when I become suicidal.
I don't even understand why I'm always depressed. I feel extreme guilt for feeling this way when I know there's no reason for me to be depressed. I'm healthy. I can see, hear and breath. I have access to food and clean water whenever and wherever. I have a roof above my head and a bed to sleep in at night.
It's like I've never really gotten better no matter how hard I tried. It feels like the more I fight it, the worst I become. I'm depressed all year round. I never go a day without feeling depressed.
During the fall, I start to feel really depressed, discouraged, hopeless and mentally tired. I know it gets worse from here. I have to mentally prepare myself for the winter. That's when I fall into a deep depression and become suicidal. I am consumed by darkness. It's an extremely scary period for me. I do not recognize myself. It's as if someone took over my soul, my body, my mind if that made sense. I can't physically and mentally function. I can't decide if waking up wishing I could sleep forever is harder then going to bed with all the noise in my brain getting louder as it gets darker and quieter at night. It's as if the devil is working hard to make me miserable and i'm just barely holding on a thread.
I'm living a nightmare I can't escape. I get anxiety going outside, being around friends and family. I tend to withdraw myself from any social activity/gatherings. I isolate myself in my room, refusing to go out. I had to dropout of school because it was unbearable. I couldn't sit through an entire lecture let alone listen for barely 10 mins or even have the energy and focus to read one page. I had extreme difficulty concentrating and couldn't focus on anything at all.
Since I wasn't in school I had to get a job. I couldn't sit around and do nothing with my life. My parent's were really upset and disappointed at the time and still are four years later today.
When I get a job, I don't even last long. I end up quitting and not showing up one day because it's so stressful and overwhelming. I could barely handle working 20-30 hours a week. It wasn't even full time. It's so hard to do little things like getting out of bed or taking a shower for fuck sakes. During the period, I wasn't working or in school, I would lay on the couch, wrapped up in a blanket just staring at the ceiling consumed by my depression days at a time. I would then often told I'm so lazy. I'm not lazy. I'm just suicidal but I would never tell anyone that.
I can't put into words how I feel. No words could describe how much pain i'm in. I can't remember the last time I was happy. How it felt to be genuinely happy. The darkness is all I know. It's what im used to. It just feels normal at this point.
I always have to tell myself to take things one day at time but even then a day feels like an eternity. There's no such thing as a day in my brain. Because I get up and it's the same damn thing again. I can never escape. I don't know how to shut my brain off. I just can't. The noise is so loud at times. It goes on all day. It's a constant battle with myself. It drives me insane. All I do is sleep all day because it's the only way I know to quiet my mind. Its like the day never ended. I'm just stuck living the same day. Weeks goes by next thing you know it's been a year then two and you wonder how the fuck did things end this way. How can I let myself go?
I hate myself for feeling this way when I'm turning just 20 this year. I have so much to live for. How can I complain when people have it much worst then me. Who am I to feel like this at just 20? I feel pathetic and useless. I always feel irritated, frustrated, disgusted, angry, anxious , miserable, hopeless, lonely and the list goes on. When I am depressed, I feel a rollercoaster of strong persistent negative feelings. They never go away.
Every year I know how it starts and ends. I always set myself up for failure. It's a vicious cycle. I'm truly scared that this is how it's gonna be for the rest of my life. Maybe I'm just one of those people, you know? Maybe I serve a purpose being depressed for the rest of my life as stupid as it sounds. I just wanna believe in anything at this point. I have to believe in something, anything.
If you've made it this far. Thank you for listening.
One day at a time.
One hour at a time.
One minute at a time.
One thing at a time.
It's what I tell myself everyday.
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Does anyone follow her? She's really got some good tips.
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Medication. Tell your doctor that you felt suicidal on the pills he
perscribed. There are other drugs to try. You can't fix the anxiety and
depression by yourself. Go to a therapist for help. Maybe your doctor
or therapist can also talk to your parents. And explain mental illness.
Sounds like they have no clue about it.
I would like to see a therapist again and try a different medication. I just got a new job and applied to college for the next semester after taking a break for two years. I know I’m in not good place to work neither go to school but I feel like I wasted a lot of time and at this point I’m just forcing myself.
As for my parents, my dad knew I was depressed and suicidal back then but he didn't know how bad it was neither does he know I haven’t gotten better since then. He thought that once I was feeling better and « back to myself » I’d stop doing therapy and taking medication altogether.
As for my mom , she doesn’t know because she thinks i’m perfectly fine. (She has schizophrenia so she’s not in a normal state of mind to understand things in general).
I don’t like how my parents reacted and rather keep this confidential from them. I felt like they didn’t understand and just made me feel worse which I’m not mad about or blame them for my feelings. I feel really uncomfortable about them knowing and I’m not sure why. I mean they are my parents, I should be able to be open with them like a normal person. My dad has enough problems to worry about and I don’t like being treated as a fragile person and having them feel bad for me though I know it’s completely normal to feel that way as a parent.
I will try to get help. I’ve tried calling the psychosocial intake department in my area but they never answer and leaves straight to voicemail saying they will call back in order of priority. I guess I’ll try and see my doctor but that last time I did he would tell me why do you feel depressed. You are so young. I felt like he was taking the situation lightly. I felt really defeated afterwards. I definitely can’t handle feeling like this anymore for another week let alone a few days. I will try and reach out to my doctor and go with a friend. My best friend doesn’t know either how bad it is for me and I always feel like she’s tired of me being so down all the time but I’ll give it a try.
Thank you for leaving a reply. I really appreciate it.
Sometimes, parents aren't the best people to be getting advice from or seeking solace from...if they haven't proven to make us feel secure and safe before. You seem to have come to grips with that...and that's a good step. Sometimes we don't want to confide in our parents b/c we see how they handle problems...and that's not how we want ours to be handled. LOL.
Looking for doctors can be a crap shoot...waiting for them to call back...weeks...then waiting some more. It happens to all of us, don't take it personally.
Primary care physicians can prescribe antidepressants but there's a reason why they aren't called psychiatrist...they are the ones who specialize in treating and medicating mental illness. I'm sorry your doctor was insensitive...it happened to me...and others. You are not alone.
Get an appt with a pyschiatrist...and fuck...you're going to have to wait like the rest of us...so be patient and don't let your anxiety get the best of you and cancel when you happen to feel happy for a day...look forward to that appointment like it's your birthday. Seriously! LOL
And...here's the best advice I can give you...try to get to a point where you stop caring so much what others think. Sometimes people say insensitive things to us...and it cuts like a knife. I often remind myself...this person doesn't know me, this person doesn't know my story, and this person is probably in some kind of pain and it's his or way of lashing out. I let it go. You will realize that hurt people hurt others...and sensitive people absorb that bullshit...and pay the price. We don't have to pay that price.
We can realize this person is a hurt person, and we let it go.
But in order for u to get there...you will also have to get to a place where you realize...your feelings count too. You matter too. You have to stop judging others, you have to make changes in yourself as well.
You will get to know yourself more and more each day. You are young...you are trying...and have not given up....and that my friend...is STRENGTH in the face of adversity.
Congrats on the new job and making steps to go to school! Everything else will fall in place...keep making your list and crossing off your things to do!
Very very proud of you!
Unipolar Depression is not something you can just "make go away." It requires medication and therapy. Its not something you've caused and it's not something that you should in anyway have any guilt over having. There's mental illness in your family, you have genetic predisposition to mental illness....the parents really don't have a leg to stand on....
The best thing you can do for you is to learn how to manage your Depression the best way you can so you can have the best life you can. That means a good Treatment Plan, i.e. Medication with a good Pdoc, Therapy, Coping Skills, Behavioral Skills, etc. Learning how to identify your Triggers through those things. Learning those skills that serve you best so you can have a good job, get through College and do what you want to do, because all of those things are absolutely possible.
I've been BiPolar for 30 years, I have 3 Degrees from Texas A&M University that include a Ph.d, I've raised 2 amazing sons, well my youngest is a Sophomore at NC State, so he's not completely raised yet....I had a 25 yr. marriage that I ended by choice. I've had a Professional Career for 20 years and provided for my family, I've also had 5 inpatient Psych stays over the past 30 years, 1 doesn't cancel out the other. I've had long periods of Stability because I work my Treatment Plan and I've learned Coping Skills, Behavioral Skills, Various Therapies (CBT, DBT, Dynamic, Relaxation, Redirection, Re-centering, and ECT.) I take my meds, In 30 years I've never not been under a Pdocs care, by choice.
I had a plan for my life and just because I had a Mental Illness, that plan was not going to be destroyed. You can make that decision....Its hard work, but completely doable.
Take care,
Kat
I remember being in a room with a psychiatrist, my social worker and my whole family a few years ago when I was prescribed antidepressants. It was the most cringey, uncomfortable and unbearable hour of my life. She asked each and every one of my family member how they think I was doing... They all replied that I was a happy girl lol.
It took so much out of me to get up and ignore my anxiety to the side and apply for jobs. It wasn't until the 3rd interview that I got it haha. I'm the worst at job interviews. I get extreme upset stomach from stress and anxiety. At one point, I thought I was going to shit my pants . It was absolutely dreadful I'm not sure how I even did it. To others it's nothing but to me it's a huge accomplishment. I hope I can manage this one and have a lil more faith in me.
Thank your for taking the time of your day to read my post and reply. I appreciate your kind words of encouragement and advice seriously! It feels nice to open up to someone even a stranger online. Never thought I'd be doing that. I will definitely push myself to get an appointment with a psychiatrist. Thank you once again!
Thank you for sharing a bit of your story. It gives me a lot of hope.
I've always tried to "handle things on my own" but all I've really done is try and ignore it. I will definitely look into following a good treatment plan and learning different coping skills. I'd really like to be more aware of my thoughts and patterns of behavior.
I have a lot of goals in life and often get caught up in my head. I'd like to start my own business one day and learn everything about finance especially investment. My dad is the most hard-working person I know and I'd like to give back to him and my whole family. But first I need to take care of myself before I can help others.
I really appreciate the advice. Thank you so much for writing to me! I feel better hearing that I'm not alone. Best wishes to you and your family.
Thank you FeliciaAnn! I will keep you in mind. I appreciate the support from you and everyone else.
It sounds like you feel alone in this? A support system is so very important. It sounds like you feel that your mom and dad are not able to be part of this? Maybe your psychologist or licensed counselor could be one of the key players in your support system. They may be able to encourage you as to which people in your life to include at what level in your support system. Friends can be a wonderful support, but they are not a substitute for professional assistance and/or the medications recommended by your physician or psychiatrist.
I feel uncomfortable having my parents know. It didn't go well the first time. I'd like to keep them out of it for now.
I'm hoping I can get support from a therapist and from my close friends. I think I can manage well with them as my support system.
I'm not sure where to ask for help first. Should I schedule an appointment with a social worker, a psychologist, a psychiatrist or my doctor? I have seen them all in the past but I don't remember in which order. I've tried calling the psychosocial intake department and left a message. I think it will take weeks before they get back to me. I feel uncomfortable asking for help because I don't know how to ask for help. I have a hard time expressing how I feel. I don't know how to say that I need help with my depression without being so blunt about feeling suicidal. Especially, with other people in the room when I'm at the front desk. I don't want them to notify my parents. I am majorly depressed and suicidal to the point I can't function but I know myself. I wouldn't harm myself or attempt to end my life. It's just I can't handle this on my own anymore. It's like I'm holding on a thread. It feels like it we'll take forever before I can schedule an appointment with whomever.
I was supposed to go out today to get help but the weather is bad. Tomorrow I have work and I absolutely dread it but I'll go after or on Thursday. I don't want to call because I am never alone in the house.
I tried texting my friend asking if she can come with me to see my doctor but she ignored my text since yesterday. I know she sees them. She's not very reliable in that way. I feel very sad because she didn't answer me. I feel like I'm just burdening her.
I've just been hiding in my room and can't get out of bed. I did manage to at least write down my symptoms of depression in terms of behavior, feelings and physically. I also made a timeline of the past 4 years of my depression, writing down things like major changes/stressful events, depression triggers and behavior throughout the years. I thought it would be easier to show it to my doctor and psychiatrist or whoever for that matter.
Thank you for taking the time of your day to respond to my post!
Remember a Psychologist is also an M.D. so if they think there is anything Medical going on or contributing then they will recommend you to your Medical Dr. for any labs or tests they think need ran....usually bloodwork for any irregularities or deficiencies.
Keeping a Journal of your depression is a great idea and gives you reference material for your appt. If you have difficulty talking to Mental Healthcare professionals you can also write down the questions you have and goals you want to reach and work on and take those to your appt. its perfectly okay to do so.
Take care,
Kat