Thank you all. I appreciate all your words. I want to respond more to each of you... however I just don't have the energy today and my anxiety is out of control today for several reasons. I can barely think... or even breathe. but I have read what you all wrote. I have a therapist, but due to insurance issues, my sessions have been on hold for 2 months. The suicide/depression text hotline refered me to this support group last night.

same here

Wow your case seems like a classic one of being scapegoated by family members. This means that whatever accumulated anger they have (about stuff that has nothing to do with you) gets dumped on you.

Also you seem to be buying into their low opinion of you. I really hope you can come to realize that they are the sick ones and that you are most probably their superor.

At the root of a lot of scapegoating situations is 'envy' - envy of someone who is a better person - a happier person - a mentally sound person.

This is not unusual at all. Many people try very hard to please their parents even after they are adults. But what concerns me is that you say you are depressed. Have you been to see a counselor and doctor about this? Have you been diagnosed? It is very possible that if you went you could explore the issues with the death of your dad and your mom.

Since you have never had a really good relationship with your mother I am puzzled to understand why it is so important to you to have her approval.

What you are going to have to discover is that you can never look out to another person for your approval-- this is always a bad decision. You have clearly stated all the positive things you have accomplished in life. You have to realize for yourself that you are being responsible in life and discover how to be content.

Why do you think you depend so much on her for approval? What is keeping you from letting go?

Omg it's a crappy feeling that I know too well. I'm going through the same thing. But for me I had a ruff childhood. Was out on the streets. Never got into drugs thank God. But i dropped out of school at 16. My mom always compared me 2 other family members that were doing well in life. Now I'm 35..just got my high school diploma..my mom knocked me for that saying I should have getting it over 20 years ago. I'm I college now going Into law enforcement and still my mother is not happy for me. She doesn't care...it hurts deeply but thankfully I have a supportive husband..i hope everything works out for you

My Dad refused to allow me to come to my own grandma's funeral. It devastated me. Sounds like you have some deep woundedness from not bring able to go to your own Dad's funeral and maybe some resentment towards your Mom for that. Start there and work on your grief issues. A grief support group can help you honour your Dad. I have been able to now go to my grandma's grave and have closure. My sister took me and I wept at her graveside even though I had wept many times before at home. Physically going there gave me closure and more peace. Even some churches have a special memorial service around Christmas to remember loved ones with lighting a candle. Maybe find a way to have a special memorial for your Dad. Or do domething in his honour. My Dad has since passed away and my Mom and siblings did nothing to honour him after the funeral. So I made a piece of property he owned into a public hiking trail site with his name plaque on the site fence. A grief counsellor can help you with the deep seated frozen grief you are still consciously aware of that is still affecting your relationship with your Mom. Big blanket of warm comfort around your heart [♡]

Lenoire is spot on. I changed my mother's behaviour in my FORTIES. OMG if anyone's late to the party, it's me. And I did it because I became completely allergic to it. I couldn't cope any more. I would lose control.

So I learned to say, when teh anxiety would build 'stop this, it's outside my boundaries and I can't stay if you continue.'

And if she continued I'd get up and leave.

It took her a while, but I had never pushed back in my life. So she had no idea. She had no idea I was seeing in what she was saying the things that I was seeing. She tried to be all naive and 'you're taking me the wrong way' and I learned to say 'no. I'm not. You need to adjust how you talk to me. I'm a grown woman and I will not tolerate being spoken to this way.'

You have to use power phrases, and non negotiable phrases. "outside my boundaries" is a great one, because it's ambiguous, but still a very clear 'no go zone'. Why? none of her business. Let her figure it out.

She will figure it out. They do. But they won't unless you push back. :)

Oh and I walked out on her maybe five or six times. I didn't discuss it, I simply removed myself and was gone. Next time I saw her, I did not have any conversation about it. None required. Reset everything, clean page, new day, that stuff.

Recriminations and going over old ground is just bad news. It keeps you locked in the past. you need her to change how she treats you now, and going forward. These are future issues. every past event is either a fail or a success, but it just needs to be marked out of ten, screwed up, and thrown in the bin. :)

As a mom I am very happy to be joining many of you who are adult children in this conversation. I have had difficulty with my own daughter to the point that she feels I have emotionally abused her. It crushed me to hear this because I came from an extremely abusive background (and could not have a relationship with either of my parents as an adult). I like how some of your who are in your forties have learned ways to not be manipulated or drawn in to conflict by silently stepping away from the situation/conversation. I did this with my own mom, and it worked. Other siblings that engaged in aggressive responses ended up cursing.

Of course, I do not know your parents but as a mom I love my daughter dearly and want a good relationship with her. We use to get along wonderful. I am trying to give her space and allow her to find independence from me and to figure out how she wants to live on her own. I am here if she needs me but I don’t force myself on her. I am trying to figure out how to be a mom now, just as she is figuring herself out. So please try to understand that your mom may be experiencing her own issues and she might be trying. Of course, every situation is different.

I feel your pain. I deal with an abusive stepfather that its all about him. He calls me c*** pos etc. He does nothing around the house to help my mom or i. Im living with them for financial and mental issues. Although i dont feel it helps me to get better when im in therapy. My mom falls asleep, can't visit her and when i do my stepfather will say im taking ' his wife' away. I deal with a father that whines about his problems and threatens me if i dont help him. Im not trying to push my issues, but ur not alone. I long for parental love as well as a man to love me too. Arent our parents supposed to show us love or why did thet have us? To suffer, or repeat their mistakes?

Wow sounds like we all have been there. I wish abusers knew what it is like to be abused maybe they would stop, pathetic excuses for human beings

dyinginside35, I am sorry you have had so many hurts in life. What you sf calls you is absolutely wrong. Does your mom know and she says nothing?

I agree with you that it is not helping your mental health to be living with your parents.

How old are you? Do you work? Could you look for a roommate situation?

Yes, Parents are suppose to show you love but as so many of the people have stated parents also make a lot of mistakes and many are struggling to deal with issues in life themselves. Unfortunately when people go through divorce most can turn inward trying to heal and also become somewhat self concerned if they begin a new relationship. Also, many don’t make good choices in their 2nd mate because they are not yet whole when they jump into a new marriage. It sounds like a lot of the parent people in your life are not too stable. How is your relationship with your mom if you are alone with her?

You need to find a way to be whole and stand on your own to feet apart from your parents, and before you find a man to love you too. You might find a man while you are in the process of becoming a self-reliant adult but you want to make sure you aren’t turning to a relationship out of need for love or to fill a hole.

We all have the potential to suffer and repeat mistakes if we don’t deal with hurts and issues in our life. I am glad you are already in counseling.

I totally appreciate where you are coming from M5pack, as I have been an outcast in my own family for as long as I remember. It took me a very long time to realise that we teach others how to treat us when we remain silent. This said, as an adult, when we stand up for ourselves and speak out against those who treat us unfairly, we are expecting them to admit to wrongdoing...unfortunately this rarely happens. They invariably turn our words back on us and yet again make us the bad guy. More often than not there there are no winners in these situations...But I have learned when to say 'Enough' and walk away.