I got a new psychiatrist as the one I've had for ten years after I left the hospital was just not that great in a lot of ways.  I started to develop insulin resistance to quietapine, which can happen, and I was asking her about it for at least three years.  When my blood test came back from my endocrinologist that this was happening, she started to argue with me and demanded proof.  I told her goodbye. I think it's ridiculous as there are so many different treatments, drug and otherwise.

Anyway, the new Dr. I have now seems really great. I liked him on my first visit and explained that I needed to make a change and find a Dr. who is willing to try different things. In the past, I've taken antidepressants, lithium, depakote, and then was on seroquel after my two week hospital stay over ten years ago.  I've had major issues with the label of bipolar and was constantly resisting it.  For some reason, there is this thing in my head that feels like it's ok if I'm diagnosed with severe depression but not bipolar.  When I think about it, it's so irrational. The only thing between me and the acceptance is the stigma.

Sometimes I feel like I made it up in my head, and none of this ever happened.  I also think that with depression, it's more commonplace and many people can relate to 'being depressed' 'being stressed out,' or 'being anxious' as to some extent these are common parts of the human experience. We all go through death, breakups, job loss, etc.  Depression and anxiety are to some extent a normal part of being a person.  Depression becomes synonymous with grief in many cases. What's not a normal part of the human experience is clinical depression-sleeping 16 hours a day, not being able to eat, psychomotor slowing...the list goes on.  I was in hospital so long due to my attempt, and when I think about it, in most cases, you would almost have to be mentally ill to do such a thing as the survivial instinct in humans is so strong that s*icide goes against this. Just my opinion.

So why am I writing this now?  Becuase my current Dr. is trying to get to know me and decide on my actual diagnosis. Even I am confused. Becuase of the insulin resistance, he kept me in the same class of meds, but switched to Geodon, which he said has less side effect profile.  I was also on an antidepressant from the former Dr.  The lexapro shot me out of a pretty intense depressive episode, which I almost always get about March-May.  It's been this way my whole life. But, during this time of med change some pretty weird things have happened. Seroquel worked for me and I expereinced little to no symptoms for many years, but I'm not OK with diabetes, so I'm going to try other things.

While transitiioning to this new med, everything just flipped overnight. The lexapro brought me out of depression fast, and I was more alert. It kept me from flunking out of college, as that was a real danger. I just couldn't get moving.  With lexapro I started to get up at normal times and do my work, but once the seroquel was gone, everything flipped.

I don't know what normal emotions are. I experience them so intensely, that since my first episode at age 15 I've never been sure again.  Not only did I not feel depressed, I felt absolutely wonderful.  I partied so hard at a concert, just totally wired. My friend was looking at me weird, I think I'm normally on the shy side, not the most outgoing person. However, I made two new friends at the concert, exhanged numbers, was dancing all over. Which all is ok except not typical for me.  I felt like I had a lightninng bolt in me.  My temper was starting to get out of hand. Nothing wrong with being happy once in a while, but the big red flag was me being awake for about three days.  One of those nights I was up the whole entire night. The next two nights I slept about two hours on each day.  This wouldn't stop. I was working out at about midnight, after being busy most of the day, then came home to putz around some more. 

I really didn't want to call the Dr, and I wanted to see what life would be like off of seroquel. Not very good I guess. The anger and agitation was getting worse and I started flipping out over stupid stuff.  I decided on day three of this mess to head to the dispensary. It's fully legal where I live, and I had a benzo addiction, which is dangerous, so none of that for me.  They gave me a hybrid edible, and I take it a few times per week, a small dose or a half, and without this, I may have had to call the doc or even go back to hospital?!  I've tolerated it well, and am fullly sober when I wake up, it lets me sleep a full 8 hours. TBH it's saved my life. I always felt it should be legal, and am very glad that it is. Much less dangerous then benzos-those should be illegal in my opinion.

The worst thing though, and this did happen maybe 20 minutes after I took the edible, so I'm not sure of the cause, but I became convinced for no apparent reason that I was on a government watch list.  My former Dr. said when I was ending our client-patient relationship (she's a jerk) that I had paranoia in my record. I don't know why she waited ten years to tell me about this, as no one had said anything before. If I had in fact was having 'crazy' ideas, at hospital, maybe they thought it would be unproductive to confront me?? IDK.  She wouldn't even see me in office. Anyway.

I got this stupid idea after this period of three days of being awake and was trying to relax and get to sleep. I had just taken the edible and was laying there, and my thoughts started to go in circles. Which it was doing anyways. My new potential employer (I ended up turning down the job) was being really flaky. In my mind I determined this flakiness had to be because when they did the background check (they always do when you're hired) that the problem MUST be becuase I am on a government watch list and that's why they are not calling me back. Convinced the FBI was watching me...I was very scared and thought maybe I should not leave the house for a few days, and keep the curtains closed and everything locked. For context, every job I've had I had to pass the security clearance, so this is totally unrealistic. I have no history of legal problems.  I knew a guy once who IS on a watch list and always will be because he's a felon.  All the crazy thoughts went through my head,  that they looked at my facebook, saw my friends, saw that I'm friends with his wife, and hence, I, too, was being watched. It was ridiculous. I haven't seen this guy around in ages.  After the thought lingered there for a minute, I told myself, "That is irrational, there is no evidence for this and the facts do not support it." I challenged the thought and it went away.

Before I went into hospital years ago, I had this crazy idea that the pictures on the wall were laughing at me. I was not on any medication at the time, extremely depressed, not sleeping for days.  My family has a house that they rent out (that I've been renting since), my grandma's old pics are up. This one picture in particular just really bothered me. All it is is a picture of a random grandma with a cat.  In fairness it's creepy looking but I was sure this picture, the lady, and the cat were looking right AT ME, and laughing. I took it down. Again, I knew rationally this was not the case, but it bugged me nonetheless. It was at this time I did the attempt.  To be clear, currently, I am not s*icidal at all, but I do find it odd that these type of thoughts (I guess it's called paranoid ideation, maybe that is the proper term) come when there are these excessive sleep disturbances. I know I had just taken the edible, but I'm not convinced it was the edible. It really felt like the thought was mine. I've never really been a recreational user, I cannot tolerate that.  I take it in edible form, medicinally, and the cannabis is combined with some cbd/cbn for sleep.

My first impulse is to want to lie to the psychiatrist and claim that everything is fine. It is for the most part. I'm happy, I'm not in a horrible work situation. I'm productive. I have a 4.0 GPA and some possible chances at some good work positions. I did turn down this current job as they've been playing games for a month.  Overall I feel well.  I think I'm trying to avoid the 'bipolar' label. I'm very hung up on this.  If I omit all of these details, and just tell him, "my depression is gone," he won't know...aside from my records.  They discharged me with major depression on the hospital record probably because I argued with them so much.  I agreed to the seroquel but just couldn't deal with any other diagnosis. I just feel like it somehow delegitamizes me as a person and opens the door for me to be vulnerable, because if I am biplolar, maybe my abusive family can take my rights away, take over my money, be appointed as guardian to me, like that horrible situation with Britney Spears-her parents are just terrible, IMO.  I think that can happen probably with other mental illnesses as well.  Somehow I feel like I would be more likely with bipolar illness for it to happen. For context, my family is very abusive, coercive, I've had money taken from me, etc.  I'd have a lot easier time accepting the situation if it didn't cause me to be vulnerable to exploitation.  I've been exploited a great deal in my life. 

The actual reality of my situation is such that if I do lie to the doctor and get the wrong treatment (antidepressants/ketamine/TMS) or no treatment, I probably will wind back up in a hospital, esp. if I am psychotic. I don't like thinking I am psychotic. If I take the meds (the right kind and dose) it's almost like I don't have an illness at all...I had a very stressful career for two decades, paid the bills, kept out of "grippy socks jail" for most of it...because I cooperated with treatment.  I'm just scared about tomorrow. In reality, admitting to it won't change what I was doing...taking meds. I'm not sure the Geodon is working too well. Too bad seroquel has such a high side effect profile.   

I think I better tell him. I'm more likely to stay out of hospital and avoid anyone having to take over my affairs if I have the right diagnosis and treatment. The solution is kinda simple and obvious when I think about it. I'm actually lucky, my moods are very responsive to the typical drugs including lithium. Other people don't have it as easy. There is a small concern he'd want me to be hospitalized.  I have time in my schedule for a short observation but not too long, school is going so great and I'm so happy with this!  I doubt it though, I'm not a danger to self or others. I would be open to intensive outpatient in the evening if he reads me the riot act. Not gonna lie I'm freaking out. I don't think I have schizoaffective disorder, that was never brought up, but I did have a few hallucinations in March just prior to the depression. (no weed then) Kind of a one-off, I never gave it much thought until I read about it, but what I was experiencing were visual and auditory hallucinations.  I'm not ready to talk about that. That was right before my most recent depressive episode. I was DX with depression at 15 years of age, with bipolar in my late 20's. I'd be very surprised if I turned out to be schizoaffective, especially in middle age. Unless the medication was so effective the illness didn't have time to progress and that's what it's been all along. I watch a channel on schizoaffective, and her illness started exactly the way mine did, with a pure depressive episode.