Today I had two medical appointments, and I also met with the job developer from vocational rehab. I never imagined about a year ago when I qualified for vocational rehab due to migraines that I would later have a TIA and now a heart condition. The situation has gotten a lot more complicated.

It's been a very emotional day, and I'm living in a new normal now since I had this TIA and I really haven't wanted to believe that it's really happened. I had an episode where I lost my vision at the beginning of the year which prompted further investigation-an MRI and now a cardiovascular workup. I know that losing your vision is no small thing, and I was really scared it was a tumor, something wrong with my eyes; there were times I felt with the migraines I may have been having a stroke, and in fact I was.  So now I am on a couple of medications to de-clot my blood. I have so many medical appointments that it really is difficult to keep up with. Sometimes I wonder if my difficulty in holding onto work is because of the TIA. I've had issues with balance and coordination and speech as well as word finding and memory. The stroke was in my brainstem which mainly controls balance, so that makes sense.

I was so emotional during the visit with the PCP. Earlier this year, he didn't seem to think that I had a stroke based on the notes in the chart, but something must have been updated, because today he was reading that it was an ischemic stroke and as I was sitting there crying he said that I have a good reason to worry because sometimes TIA's can be a predictor of a larger major stroke and that is what I am really trying to avoid. All day my brain was going in circles thinking if there was some way this could have been avoided-could I have had a better diet? Could I have eaten less fast food? Could I have abstained from taking HRT? Could I have taken statins or blood pressure meds earlier...who knows. At the end of the day the cardiologist seems to think that the root cause is that I was born with a hole, if you will, in my heart, between the left and right atria. Apparently it's a common condition called PFO, where the heart does not form fully after birth and a lot of people have it. What happens is that clots go through the hole and to the brain, causing strokes, and apparently this condition is related to migraine. I never knew this. So I could have been living with this ticking time bomb my whole life and not known it. The cure I guess is heart surgery-to go in and put a piece of mesh in the hole between the two atria. 

The PCP ordered a doppler study of my cartoid artery.  Probably a good idea because I was at the emergency room earlier this year not able to swallow and the vein on the left side was sticking out and my left arm was numb. The anticoagulants again are to get rid of the plaque. I really didn't think my diet was that bad, but for some people I guess it's genetic. 

Soon after I will be getting an EEG of my brain and maybe some evaluation to see if I've lost any cogntitive function. And then I will go in the operating room and try again so they can see a better picture of my heart to see more clearly if I really have this condition. The doctor from whom I got a second opinion today said that the first doctor is doing the right thing and that he would do the same thing. He said that unfortunately I got sent home the first time from the procedure because yes, it is dangerous to drink too much water.

My hope is that if it's diagnosed they can put the mesh in and close the hole, and that I can make a recovery and greatly reduce my future stroke risk. I'll admit I'm really scared here. I've never had health problem that is this serious.

I've not continued with my therapist; she seems to have no appreciation of how serious the situation is-or of anything I tell her-she just laughs and smiles through everything. It's not funny. She sits there and chirps, "Let's look at the glass half full!!!" and I'm sitting here literally trying to hang onto my life. The doctor gets it though.

The support group that I've had that has seen me through everything for the past 14 years has folded. I really loved it. We may reconvene on a different platform, but it is sad. Some of the people were less than supportive, while some were very supportive. It's a huge change.

This situation makes my job difficulties, and now back to being out of a job again look almost trivial in comparison. The idea that something could K*ll me instantly is very scary. I've been going along, traveling, working, like everything was just fine-then this happened. The job I was working at had at one point told me they would refuse to allow me to go to any more medical appointments. Not sure if they can really do this-I'm not there anymoire and while the loss of money is a problem, it's good that I'm not there anymore. That was another thing my therapist couldn't understand either. When they threatened me to either quit or be terminated, basically, I explained this to her and she said, "So, do you think they will let you stay and keep working??"