You ARE loved heretic. You don't need to wait any longer for love to find you because it's already there in your heart. Maybe the pain of the depression is overshdowing the good feelings. That does happen sometimes. But we love you here at the DS community and you are not alone. Many of us have felt the way you're feeling right now. I spent years battling suicidal thoughts and resented the fact that I had to stay alive for the sake of others. But today I am free of those horrible thoutghts and can love myself and others better than ever. Stay with us heretic and talk to us. Let us know how we can help you!

Hmmmmm, Mayby it's something other then Love you are waiting for ?

Yes, I guess I should have been more clear - what I am waiting for is someone in my life who will care for me, friends on DS are nice but they can't help me with daily chores, eat dinner with me, go to the store with me, talk to me about my day, I need a life partner,

But it's too late now, I've gone without for 50 years, 50 fucking years.

I have no one to stay alive for, I want to die so badly, I pray for death every night, and sob when I wake up alive each day.

Life is hell, I need someone living with me who loves me

And it's not going to happen, Life is agony

Are you seeing anyone about how feel right now? You are seriously ill, and you deserve to be helped. Please don't give up because it's never too late to find love and kindness. That sounds like a really crap platitude but I truly believe it.

I see a pdoc once a month for 15minutes, long enough to write my script. I was seeing a therapist but she told me finding someone to love me was out of the scope of her abilities.

I am very ill, and I so deserve help. I've been looking for help for 50 years. That is such a long time when each day has been misery. Over 180,000 days of pure misery. It's made me what I am now.

You say it's not too late to find help, but I say each day I go without it is a day I will never get back. It's a day lodged in my memory as a day of misery, that's all that fills my brain - memories of all the days I've gone without help. I so wish I was dead.

Heretic, I am assuming that you don't get out and meet people TO meet someone who will love you. There are probably so many opportunities missed because we isolate and give up so easily. I'm the same way. But, they are not going to come knocking at your door. Maybe a dating website will help? Maybe get involved in a group activity, like we mentioned in another post. What do you think?

I've tried using online dating sites and in the past 3 years have met over 40 guys, and communicated with several hundred more. On yahoo alone I have over 200 guys on my friends list, all guys I met online. I've had so many bad experiences with guys in the last couple of years I could write a book about it.

Meeting guys isn't the problem, it's finding a decent one who cares about me that seems impossible.

Yes, agreed. It isn't something someone searches for anymore, because searching for it can kill you....It seems you are searching for things that are unreachable. The things that are reachable, the good things, are closer than you think. They may not mean anything to you, but the good things are there. You may not need them, but they need you. I find it easier, sometimes, to search for things that ARE right in front of me. Some call it the "little things". Others call it "counting your blessings". I just feel that life is offering things and opportunities that we don't grasp onto because we want the IDEAS that we have made so bad that we don't want anything else.

But, you can be loved, because you are able to love. Love is the opposite of hate, and every time you do not experience hate, there IS love right in front of you. It may not be speeking or grabbing you and holding you tight, but it wants to in its own little way. Even if you can't make it do the things you want it to do, provoke it simply because you know it is there, and you will be loved.

Ok, now look at me funny, cause I know I babble.
They are just my thoughts.

I agree, I am searching for love and it is unreachable

That is why I called this post Lost Hope

I will never find what I need and really wish I was dead

a life partner....I understand....I know the pain of being alone for a ridiculously long time. But, elieve it or not, that's no excuse to die.

Life does not equal a life partner. So the trade off isn't fair. LIfe is so much more than that.

((((HUGS)))) Is there anything you enjoy in life? It totally sucks that you're alone when you so desperately want a companion. But that's the way it is, for now at least. Are you able to think of anything that IS good in your life? If you could try to distract your mind from the misery to any little thing that IS good, it might help relieve the pain a bit.

I'm 55 and there are many things that bitterly disappoint me, things I will never have, and never have had. I have to try to find a way to keep going in spite of the reality that those things are lost to me. It's so hard NOT to focus on the misery, but I think we just need to keep distracting ourselves if possible, until the pain lessens.

Thanks for your kindness, but no - there is nothing I enjoy in life, I hate every second of it, if there was any little thing that was good it would help, but there isn't.

Hi Herectic, did you ever went out of you way to get your hand on that toy, car, bike... or the sort? well that is exactly what you have to do to find love. so go out there and find your mockingjay, peeta. cheeres