Depression Support Group
Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.
I'm starting to lose my shit again. I'm doing what I can to try to not focus on my emotional pain and to think of my kids and remember that life isn't just about one person. But, damn, I miss my wife.
She went out again with some guy she has been seeing for the last month. It is getting too much for me to handle. But I know if I freak out and get upset, she'll end it with him and our life will go back to the way it has been, which is struggle after struggle with no end in sight and with her being miserable. That's not fair to her. I try to think of her, the kids and their future. I try to let go and show I love her as much as I claim by allowing her to go and to be happy. But I'm not happy. I miss her, I miss everything. And because I cannot quit focusing on it, I'm starting to spiral and sleep is already eluding me.
Here's the thing. I know she still loves and cares for me. Our life would be so much different if I were healthy. But I'm not. And the strain of taking care of me for the last 7 years has taken its toll on her. I get that. But I know if she starts to get serious with this guy, our relationship will change into something I won't recognize. I don't want that. So I am being selfish by not wanting to let her go. I know this. I want her to be happy. But I want to be happy too. It is an impossible situation where maybe neither one of us can win. I just got out of the hospital because of this shit, I let it overwhelm me. I am trying my best to refocus the anger inside and try to tackle it differently. But my head keeps coming back around to how miserable I am without her. I cannot make one person the focal point of my happiness. But she is a source of it, and I like how I feel when I am around her, I don't want to give that up. And now you guys can see the bad spiral I am in. I cannot seem to get my head out of it.
Since the knives were removed from the house, I'm wondering how bad it would kill my stomach to down all the tylenol and advil I have. I am sick of fighting when I don't seem to have anything to fight for. My kids will be taken care of. My wife is moving on. I don't get along with my family enough to even try to stick around for them. Man, I thought I had a better handle on this, but once again, I'm going down.
On the one hand, it makes me feel good to think that she still really cares for me. But then, it sucks because it is only due to the situation, and it is almost impossible to see a future for us together. It would be easier if she hated me and I just messed up somehow. It's like because of the situation, we cannot be together, and that is hard to wrap my head around.
This guy she is dating is a really nice guy. He was able to go to the store and buy her some medicine and food for when she was sick, and drove half an hour to her to deliver it. That is something I have not been able to do in years. And he does feel a little threatened by me, asking her several times if I can get better, because he sees how much I still mean to her. But despite that, he is willing to put up with her still helping me out, still driving me to doctors, and if I cannot find renters to stay with me at our house, she will let me move in until I find my own place. And he is as okay with that as he can be. He wants us to be friends. I do not think I can go that far, but that shows his goodness. I should be happy for her. Still sucks, still makes me angry, but I should focus on the fact she does love me and this guy cares for her enough to let her be in my life and wants to be in my kids' lives.
My choices right now are attempt to let her go and let her be happy and still be somewhat in my life, or chain her to me where she is miserable and battles with depression because she gets no outside help and we struggle with so much: time management, the kids, finances, her health, all my doctor visits and so on. Put simply like that, I have to let her go. I guess no one said it would be easy.