Depression Support Group
Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.
Hi
I feel ridiculous, but I just really feel like I need someone to talk to. A little background about myself:
I am 25 years old. I am married to a wonderful man and we have a precious 6 month old baby boy. I am an only child. Growing up I have always been a little insecure. Despite how much I’ve tried, I am still a little quiet and shy. Growing up, I was involved in many extracurricular activities including softball, volleyball, pageants, cheerleading, 4-H, etc. I was always average in these things. Despite all that I am involved in and how outgoing I try to be, I have always had trouble making friends only having 1 maybe 2 friends max. I have a very friendly and positive personality. I started a new job in February and all of my coworkers are wonderful. Everyone laughs and jokes and has a great time throughout the day. I try to be involved with them but it always seems I can’t find the words to say to join in on the conversations and jokes. I feel that this probably goes back to my insecurity. Today a comment was made that really hurt my feelings because I have been praying and struggling with this for a while. I believe that my coworkers in no way would intentionally hurt my feelings. Everyone was sitting around talking and laughing like usual. I was sitting at my desk just laughing along with them like usual but not adding to the conversation (again, because I can never find anything to say). The conversation continued as follows:
Coworker 1: “I wish I could be more like Jbo, just quiet and in my own business”.
All coworkers at once: “Noooo, don’t do that”
Coworker 3: “don’t be boring”
Although I know they did not mean to hurt me in any way, my heart felt like it crushed. I have been working so hard on talking and joking to try to fit in more. I finished my paperwork and left so that I wouldn’t lead on that I was hurt.
On top of all of this, I just found out my mom has been having an affair for 9 months after being married to my dad for 30 years. This broke my heart. What hurt me the worst was the continuous lies she told me about it. She has always been a Christian lady and can quote bible verses like the best. She was the last person I would have ever thought would do something like this and she seems to be unashamed. My dad has been living with us for a few weeks until he is able to get his own place.
I feel so ashamed to be depressed and upset when there are many others that have way worse problems than me. I know that I am very blessed and I am reminded of that every time my baby boy smiles at me. I am sorry for the long message but I just needed to get this off of my chest and had no place left to turn.
I will say, the fact that you continued to go out for activity after activity tells me you are very determined. (I would be willing to bet you are much better than the "mediocre" you imagine yourself to be. )The fact you try so hard to make friends is because you believe you have to go the extra mile or be extra special for someone to like you. In actuality......all you need to be is yourself. More people than you know are self conscious as well. (Some hide it better)
Your coworkers don't realize we all don't have their thick skins and can be more sensitive. (I would have been a little hurt by that as well. The thing is now, I have gotten much braver. And do resort to humor. I would have gave them a look and , "Oh thanks. You hurt my personal feelings" and then a pouty face.
Or maybe waited til they asked or said something to me and replied...."But I wouldn't want to bore you." If they continue to make remarks that do kind of pick at and put down you, then they are not worth the time they take up.
People who get laughs at other peoples expense are very insecure themselves.
And as far as your Mom. Here is a perfect example that noone is perfect. You tried for so long and always felt short of that. None of us are. My hope is that you may relax and realize you are a good, intelligent person who has more to offer than you think. Years ago someone once told me..."put your light on the hilltop for everyone to see because you are truly beautiful indeed."
Look in the mirror and see a good, caring person with lots to offer and those who do love her ... including Dad and Mom, hubby and especially that precious little guy. and I hope that brings some joy and a smile to your face.
Hugs.
Veggie queen, you are right. Growing up my parents always made comments that I should be like her or do things the way she does it (referring to various people). Or suck my stomach in when I was in cheer/dance costumes. Don’t get me wrong, they gave me everything and every opportunity a child could ask for but I was never quite up to par. Even my voice, I supposedly have a “crackly crying voice” as my mom would call it. I feel bad complaining about all of this because I do believe that they tried to give me the very best.
My biggest fear is that I won’t be able to give my little boy all he deserves. I want him to feel loved all the time and have no shame. Also, I fear that I am not the best wife I could be for my husband and they both deserve the best.
Thank y’all for listening.
'I often regret that I have spoken; never that I have been silent.' Publilius Syrus.
'Empty vessels make the most noise.'
When I looked at their childhoods, they were never told or shown they were loved either....As a result they had no idea how to share that with their children (They can't do what they never learned)
Always wondering if you are good enough, trying so very hard to be perfect, do good , and simply fit in is something you and I both struggle with. Fact is in a healthy , loving upbringing, we would have been told and shown that repeatedly. Some time back, a friend from here would tell me I first need to love myself before I can expect others to. he would tell me to check out the words and listen each day for a couple of weeks to The Greatest Love Of All (whitney houston) That kind of sums it all up right there.....if we can feel that for a child, we should be able to share that with our own "inner child" til we believe it.
You do not EVER have to worry about not being a good enough Mom (or wife). You have seen and felt what it was like to always be compared to and left to feel inferior because they didn't nurture your self esteem. When you think of this, I believe you will ALWAYS be there to give your son all the love and hugs.... kind words and encouragement. he will know how special and loved he is and how blessed you do feel to have him in your life. The same goes for hubby. If you are able to tell him and show him.....what more can either one need? Shame is also another thing dumped on us. I doubt you would ever do that (knowing what it can feel like) to anyone.
My hope is that you may stop hearing all the nitpicking from before and start to focus and take in all the positive stuff from now. You seem to be a very warm, caring woman who is determined to do and be the best she can. A loving Mom, devoted wife, sensitive (maybe too much..... but that's ok... me too. lol) and smart with lots to look forward to. With love and many hugs.
Secondly, I'm sorry to hear about what's going on with your parent's relationship. That is so hard! It's so hard to see our parents make bad choices when we feel they should know better! We tend to put our parents on pedastels, especially if we came from a "good home." We have to remember that parents can also be selfish and sometimes want their own way without thinking about who they might hurt in the process of getting what they want! They aren't perfect. I know you stated that she "is a Christian, and can quote many Bible verses." Christians are people too who can and do make mistakes and can stray from their faith. They are not immune to temptations and selfishness. They have the free will to make bad choices like anyone, Christian or Non-Christian. Hopefully, she will eventually see the error of her ways, seek forgiveness, and try to make things right. It seems like you have a lot on your plate right now. Do you have people to talk to? People who can support you? It's always best to surround yourself with others when walking through these tough journeys! I will be praying for you and your family.