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looking for advice

Anna1212
Anna1212

hi.  i've posted her before about various things. tonight i have a question for you and would like your opinion.  it's a faminly thing. my sister wants to come over to visit my mom occasionally.  i have been caring for mom and she's been living with me for a couple of months since she had a stroke.  my sister and i don't get along and i find her very manipulative and mean.  my mother knows i don't like her. anyway, i told me sister that if she wants to visit the best times for me would be my days off (two per week) or after i get off work in the evening after like 5pm.  I don't want her here when i am not home for a number of reasons including worry about my cats getting out, etc.  i don't feel comfortable with her being here without me being here.  i think this is very reasonalbe since she won't let my mom stay with her at all and i am doing all of the hard work in caring for my mom such as taking her to appontments, shopping, helping with meds, cooking, cleaning, etc. etc.  my sister lives about 25 minutes by car away.  so she has been pushing me to let her come over when i am at work.  she only wants to come over when she is already coming to town for some other reason so she doesnt have to come over here specially to see mom even though it's an easy and even scenic drive.  she has a nice car and a job that is very flexible with it's hours (she works for herself from home mostly).  so my queston is, do you think it's reasonable that i set that limit about visiting times for my mom...?  i personally feel i am doing her a favor.  she coudln't visit her at all if i hadn't offered to let my mom stay with me since mom's home is out of state and also, considering the bad blood between my sister and I, which my sister is fully aware of, she's lucky i let her come over here at all.  my sister is financially well off also.  i see no good reason that she can't abide by my wishes and not push the boundries.  i am extremely stressed out and i feel it's the least she can do to not be such an asshole when i am killing myself off to help my mom.  also, i find it very disrespectful that she ignores my request to come over on days off and keeps wanting to come over when i am not here.  it's making me very angry.  what should i do?  how do you think i should handle this?  she is welcome to take my mom out for as long as she wants.  i just want to be here when she is coming over and brining my mom home.  she's getting me so mad for this and other reasons that i want to cut her off completely but at this point i won't.  i think my mom understand that my sister is being very difficult but she won't stand up to her.  also, the frequency of how much my sister wants to visit isn't an issue.  i doubt she would visit more than once a week if even that much.  thanks for any advice or input.  i feel like i really need support right now from family and not someone trying to make things even more difficult. oh and one other thing, it would be nice if she did take her out for a few hours on my days off so i could have a few hours to myself in the house which i never get anymore.

bridgie101
bridgie101
Pack up mum's gear, and take mum to stay at sister's house. Change your locks.

Just show up. Tell mum sister's said she can stay or do whatever it takes to get her in the car. Then take her over there.

And then piss off and leave them to it. Get out of there as fast as you can and don't go home. Don't answer your sister's calls. Leave Them To It.

Let them sort their shit out together.

Your mother has been playing games, and it's time it came home to roost. And your sister is continuing to play games, and she needs to stop winning.

You know you're being played. So stop letting them.
bridgie101
bridgie101
And I want to say: you don't have a family in which one sister is manipulative and the other isn't, unless MUM allows it. Unless MUM feeds it. She has allowed your sister to go down a dark path. She is culpable and she is not the innocent victim here.

Let those two reap what they have sown.
OlderCPer
OlderCPer
So I'm going to be totally honest here....

When you talk about your mom, it sounds like your talking about a child instead of a grown woman. Surely she should be able to make some decisions about who she wants to visit with, when. Its not easy for a parent to be displaced and have to move from their home into someone elses. You sound really bitter and angry that you're having to do so much for your mom and it makes me wonder why you offered to do it in the first place. Perhaps a meeting of all the "siblings" to discuss how others can help with your moms care would be a good step, because it can be a lot taking care of an older parent.

As for your sister not coming over when your gone, as much as you seem to not like her, it seems like it would be a better idea for her to come over when your not home. If she's there when you're home, it's going to be a tense, strained atmosphere and I doubt your mom will enjoy the visit much. I agree with the others that you should pack mom a bag and drop her at sis' for the weekend. But I don't see what it would hurt to let her visit mom when you're at work, I'm sure they can manage to keep the kitty in the house.

Otherwise, I'd be talking with your Therapist and working through some of the anger and irritation you have about having to do so much for your mom, I'm sure she feels your emotions coming through and its got to make things rough at times. Remember Mom has had to make a lot of adjustments and has had to get used to all the newness and left all her friends and things she knew, just try to be aware of how hard this can be for her also.

Take care,
kat
bees2000
bees2000
Oh my, mom is getting old. Through her life, her children were probably put first in her life. She deserves, all the good she can receive. If she feels your resentment for having her, she is probably heart broken. If you can, for your mother's sake, try to get out of the way on the days that your sister wants to visit. I'd write a sweet letter to your sister and explain how much it would mean to you for her to take mom out often as she could and that it would mean a lot to mom too. You are doing a great job by giving back to your mom, don't allow hurt feelings from past hurt destroy what time you have left with your mother. God bless. Another day is not promised. We are only given each day as it comes. My mother passed away. I would love to see her smile just one more time. Help your mother be happy. You will be so rewarded.:-)
Tired
Tired
Talk to an outsider about what is going on in your family and with mom. A therapist would be good. Also write in a journal, take walks, hit your pillow.
Benitro
Benitro
It sounds like you're trying to be too nice to the sister that you've already determined you don't agree with/get along with.

It's your house right? Put your foot down. If you are confident that you aren't misjudging the situation and you have a good reason to not want your sister in YOUR house when you are not there then you should enforce that 100%.
Anna1212
Anna1212
thx everybody for writing. I read everything and it helps. I didn't probably give enough detail in some ways. for instance, I don't have a car and taking my mom to my sisters house and dumping her there would be too hard on her plus, my sister would likely not let her in and just load her up and drive her back or worse and my mom isn't up for it. I know it kind of sounds like I am full of hate and resentful and I am at times but it isn't directed at my mom, it's more the whole situation and my sister. my mom does understand this and we have lots of good times, too. yesterday we had this little tea party and she likes to hear me play guitar and sing even though i'm not good and we have meals together and all that. I talked to my mom this morning about the situation with my sister and she is ok with me standing my ground and allowing my sister over when it works for me which is like I say, I think quite generous in giving her any time two days a week plus after 5pm any day. she's also welcome to let my mom stay with her if she wants and then she can spend as much time with her as she wants. I may be able to modify this but for now I need to protect myself and my cats. my cats probably would be ok/not get out but it makes me uncomfortable because i have seen my sister be physically abusive to one of my cats a long time ago and i worried she might try to do something to one of them to hurt me. I am at a breaking point. I've been having some serious physical stuff going on and missing work and I need to be careful not to get too stressed out. my sister stresses me out enormously so I need to try to manage that for my own health. so, anyway, my mom is ok with my decision right now. i did invite my mom to live with me because it was the best option in a very difficult situation. we are currently trying to work out what to do next, whether i go back and live with her or whether she stays... i don't think she should go back alone. she is 83, a fall risk with multiple health issues. she doesn't want to go to assisted living and i respect that. so that's where it's at. i do really really appreciate this site and all the support i get here. i haven't been able to find a good therapist far so you guys are it. : ) thx!
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