Because my apartment was being renovated I spent the last five days living at my bf's apartment. I wasn't very productive so I decided I will go back to my apartment until exam season is over. But now that I'm back I realize how much easier I drift into negative circles of thoughts and ruminate when I'm alone. I wonder if I should move in with somebody so that I'd have a shared room and I would not feel so alone. I could study at school, I don't even need to do it at home. I think that I am afraid of sharing my living space because I am afraid of some specific things like that I will feel down and the other person will say something insensitive and I will completely collapse because that's what I can be like when I'm down. Also what if the other person was trying to force some way of thinking or even some way of life on me? 

I have been wondering though if there aren't people that I can actually be around when I am down because I trust them enough so no matter their choice of words, I will know they support me. Also I know for a fact that some people would never try to pressure me or change me. 

I have chronical depression and I am worried that experiencing me more intensely in everyday life could change relationships for the worse. Not just what they could think of me but also what I could think of them. 

Also what if my condition didn't get better by spending less time alone? I am still unsure if I am more extroverted or introverted. I believe increasingly though that I am an extrovert with a history of social anxiety which explains a lot of my depression, especially when I was younger. I wonder why I don't feel much happier. My situation is much better but on a happiness scale from 1-10 I have moved from a 2 to a 6. 

I actually cannot imagine my life being much better. At least I cannot imagine doing many things much better. Perfection is unattainable but I am good in the way I lead my life for the most part. 

Somehow when I feel happier I run away and I try to escape my feelings. It takes immense bravery to be happy. And all of those negative feelings and thoughts follow me like a dark shadow. Like a fucking nightmare that feels more real than reality itself sometimes. Maybe it's better to take slow steps at happiness.