This morning I woke up and decided I had to kick my bf out. I love him and will support his efforts to get sober but I can not handle living with him anymore. It is costing me money for some of his co-pays, plus the gas to take him to group therapy 3 times a week. He barely brings me any money...like the other day he worked with his dad on Sat. and brought back about 35 dollars. I just made the same amount by posting tupperware on craigslist. I am selling what I can to bring in some money. I took out a loan a few months ago thinking he would have a job and could help with it but I was wrong. He claims to be looking for a job.

I told him I wanted to still see him and then maybe our interactions would be fun instead of fighting all the time. He seemed to understand and be agreeable but says he ask his dad if he can even move back home.

I was really depressed after that and he did what he could to cheer me up. But soon he was in the garage (I think drinking) and when I would talk to him he was a complete a-hole. So I spent most of the afternoon crying and at one point I snapped and smacked him in the face when he told me to shut up. I know this was the worst thing I could do because his ex used to hit him and it hurt him so badly.

I am terrified my bad behaviors are coming back. I just snap and say the most horrible things or I start hitting him. I used to destroy the bedroom walls when I was angry along with the drinking and running away.

I am proud of myself for taking this step to get my life back but it is so difficult because he is angry and it's just plain hard. I have to love myself enough to do this. And if it works and he gets sober and gets a job then maybe we can live together again. But for now i finally see how much he is breaking me down and slowly killing me. I miss me.