Good to hear you are giving things another shot!:) If I may offer a suggestion based on your last post - why would you think you need to give yourself permission to be a good person? Unless you purposely go out to hurt others, then you are, by default, a good person, are you not? You don't have to search for anything, it is within you already, you just need to feel it within. That is something you will know inside at the deepest level. No need to ever question this. Ever. Start with that knowledge, and build your self-esteem in small stages each day, by simply telling yourself that you are a good person, and believe it since it is the truth. To believe otherwise is to continually cast doubt, which leads to despair. If you truly were a bad person, you would not be making the effort to improve, correct? Never allow depression to cloud your judgement. Best wishes, G

May I make a suggestion? Please feel free to walk your own path, but I'd like to tell you about something that alleviated some of the darkness for me.
Get away from your family. Whether you're able to physically move away or just emotionally shut them out, they appear to be doing you absolutely no good.
I did this about 10 years ago. Now I'm not going to lie and tell you my life is full of sunshine and rainbows. I fall asleep each night knowing how many sleeping, anxiety and pain pills I have in my drawer. I awake each morning doing the same thing. I cling to the smallest things to force me out of that bed and into the day. For the last 6 months or so, it's been my little dog. I know without me he'd have no one to take him in. My kids wouldn't do it, my husband would ignore him. This dog is my best friend, my only friend and while some days my thoughts run so dark as to 'take him with me', I'm able to realize that to this little animal, I am his only friend as well.
My so called parents (yes, abuse here as well) were nothing more than self centered idiots who constantly expected me to listen to their work/personal problems - or apologies that didn't ring true. I'm sure others are familiar with these, for example "I did the best I could", "If I could do it over again", etc. Well you can't do it over again and if that was your best, frankly you suck. Eventually being polite to these people, listening over and over to their problems but never getting a word in edgewise myself, I blew up.
Since then, my step father has died. I so badly want to go and drink and dance on that man's grave. Perhaps I will at some point; I think it would be cathartic. I also do a search a couple of times a month to see if the witch (my real 'mother') has died yet. No such luck.
Some will say it's terrible to carry such anger and revenge in my heart, that it will eat away at me, corrupt my daily thoughts and that forgiveness is the way. I'm a bit stubborn and wouldn't forgive either of them if I was offered a million bucks. No exaggeration.
Anyways, just a thought. Why listen to people who put you down, think of you as someone less that deserving their love? Blood relatives are not all they're cracked up to be. I don't know if you live in a rural or city area, but if it's a well populated place try putting yourself out there a little bit at a time.
We need friends. Accepting friends and friends we accept. That's why we're on these forums.
I also agree with the previous posts. We are all individuals. No one is exactly like us in the entire world - past, present or future. There is something special you have to offer to others. You just need to find it.
I have hope for you, because this means I have hope for me too. We just get lost and overwhelmed and don't know which foot to put first or even where to start to rebuild our damaged psyches. But we will prevail and when we do, not only will we be better for it but whomever we decide to let in will be as well.
With you in spirit.

@thislpass

Hello! It's not that I think I need to give myself permission to be a good person. It just, based things that have happened to me in life makes me think I must not be a good person. I know for a fact that I have made mistakes, and most of them were common sense mistakes that most people know better than to do. When people started seeing how I was that's when everything started...the humiliation, the putting me down, the calling me crazy. I didn't even know I was acting crazy, until someone, whom I barely even knew got mad at something I said, and told me "Now I'm starting to believe what everyone is saying about you." I said, "What are they saying?" She said, "They're saying that you're crazy." I never forgot that, and I went on to try and change (this was about 8 years ago) So, during that time could just tell people hated me. My family rarely dealt with me, they started acting differently, and I could feel it in my heart that they just didn't like me. They were treating me like all of the other people in my life were treating me. Still, I kept trying to figure out why. I went back to school, I did what I was supposed to do in life, and I tried working on myself. I didn't want to not be liked, especially for something I wasn't aware of. And if I was doing something wrong, I wanted to change for the better. Anyways, nothing changed. My relationship with my family did not get stronger, and I honestly, I think it got worse. We never connected again, despite my efforts to try and be who they wanted me to be. So, all this time, I'm thinking, I must be a bad person, or I've done something that no one, not even my family can forgive. I thought, why else would my family not want anything to do with me, and why would they want me to suffer. Why don't they want me to be well or be happy regardless of whether I feel I deserve it or not. must be a bad person, is what I came up with. There's no other explanation for it. And the thing is, is that it's not just family, it's anyone who knows me. I have contact with no one. No friends. Nothing. If so many people distance themselves from me, then I know it's me. I get frustrated because I can't seem to do anything to make anyone accept me. I don't even feel I belong in society.

So, that's why I'm concerned with who I am. Am I good, bad? I just don't know. I feel, when I look back on my life on some of my choices, and all the things people have said about me, and all of my views of myself, I have my answer...that I'm a bad person. But, I get confused because there is one person who I was talking to the other day who said, "You know, you actually are a really sweet person." She said, "You care too much about what others think." The comments made me happy, but in the back of my mind, I still just wasn't so sure If I'm truly a good person.

I'm sorry this is so long, I just wanted to try and explain what I meant.

I'm going to take your advice and just try telling myself that I'm not a bad person. I have to start somewhere and I think this is the way to do it.

Thank you again.

@PoohBear89

You have been through a lot, it sounds. I can certainly understand your feelings of rage and anger towards your parents. I think that you are doing great by just taking it one day at a time, and it's good that you have found a reason to keep trying. My situation with my family is one that's hard to explain. I know that I love them, but I just don't see how they can love me. I don't feel they do for all kinds of reasons. But, what if I'm wrong? What if they do love me, but I just feel they do? I know I don't feel they treat me like all the other family members. I feel like I'm dumb when I get to be around them, like I just don't know anything. I feel like a child. I have thought for so long that they just want me out of their lives, but they are just trying to get me to be the first one to leave. I don't know. But, anyways, even if I were to get to grow into a woman, be independent again, I wouldn't have much luck with moving away. Anywhere I go, they'll find me, and let me know they've found me, almost as if they are saying "You'll never be free."

So, I'm sort of stuck, but I'm going to try to just work on improving the way I feel inside, and I guess keep trying to tell myself that I am supposed to be alive.

You are strong, and I'm just sorry you had to go through what you did. It's not fair, but I think that with your positive attitude you're going to be alright. At least that's what I hope for you.

Thank you for sharing a little about you with me and for your support.