Hiya, I come from a place where I was treated like shit, my dad abused me and my mother wouldn't believe me....Even though my dad had convictions for sexual assault on minors. None of my family believed me all said I was crazy. Which does nothing for the self esteem.
So don't die today, stay on line and talk to me, I'm quite nice and would never treat you badly. I am just about to make a mid morning coffee (i'm in the UK) if you want to just sit with me and chat.???

Sweetheart, Please Hold On.
You ARE Special!!!!
You Are Beautiful And Wonderful And Important

Sending Love And (((((HUGS)))))

Hello,

I am sorry to read you are feeling so down. I have been there, and I know how bad that feels. I know how awful when everything seems to be turning to crap around you and you don't feel as if you have the energy to continuemay I ask though, have you ever had one, just one time when things were a little better? What was different then and what about that made you feel good?
I know you feel terrible, but did you know there is nobody else on earth with your same thoughts, same skills and talents, same hopes and dreams (you do have them, they are just away down deep at the moment where you can't see them). Did you realise that you have a unique way of looking at the world compared to everyone else who has ever lived? I would say that is rather special indeed and worth sticking around for, wouldn't you?

You know not so long ago I heard a story of horrific abuse done to a person who I consider a friend. That friend is one of the nicest people I have ever met. Yet, despite being treated like no person should ever be treated (it was about as bad as you can get), that person made a success of themselves despite unimaginable odds. You can too, I promise you.

If you have family or friends locally, go and be with them. People do care, and they want to help if you let them. There is always this wonderful site as well with hundreds of people who will support you if you let them. Don't give up - remember, you are here on this planet for a reason and nobody else is quite like you. You are totally unique, and you have plenty to give still. You are just in a terrible place right now. If you give up, you miss out and the world never gets to hear your unique song, and that would be such a shame, wouldn't it. Best wishes to you, G

@Carolin57

I tried posting last night to your post, but my computer has been acting up lately. It's been idled for a long time.

Thank you so much for your support and just responding to me. I really wish that I'd had someone to talk to earlier, and I'm just so appreciative of you for offering to do that.

Also, I'm sorry to hear that you had to endure abuse at the hands of someone you trusted, and then on top of that, have your mom not believe you. You're right, things like that do bring your self esteem down. Self esteem is important though, so I hope, if not already, that you are able to find confidence in yourself again. My self esteem is low too. It's low because I just don't like myself, and other people have also worked years and years to make sure I remember how bad of a person I am. So, I just have to let that go.

Thanks again for reaching out to me. I don't deserve it, but I'm grateful.

@Wallybear

Thanks so much for your support and kind words. It's so uplifting when I hear something good about me. It's hard for me to believe that I am something because for nearly all my life I've been nothing. It's just I didn't know it much then, but after going through some bad times a while back, it took other people, and a little self reflection to finally understand that I really am just a piece of garbage. The shameful thing is, I think at one point I actually thought I was just as good as everyone else. People that knew me didn't like that, so with their help, I finally am aware of just how pitiful I am.

I still fantasize because my fantasies are the closest I'll ever get to real life, so when someone, like yourself says that I actually am important, it makes me smile.

Thank you again, for your continued support. Oh, and as I mentioned to Carolin, my computer is acting really crazy, so that's why it's taken me so long to respond back.

@thislpass

Thank you so much for your support and responding to me.

You ask if I've ever had a moment when things are going fine, and honestly, this hell is what I live everyday. I am able to still go about my day, but I'm never really ok. It's been years. I think the only time in my life when I felt truly happy was between the ages of 19 and 24. I was me, and I was learning, gaining confidence and feeling like I was actually as good as my peers. I'll hold on to those memories forever.

You also stated that no one in the world has my thoughts, skills, or talents. When I read that I didn't know what to think. I don't see myself as anything special, not to anyone, not even my family. It's so hard to understand how anyone can think of me as have skills, talents or anything because these types of things are what normal people have. And, I'm far from normal. I'm told that my thinking is crazy. I know something is wrong with me because of the extent people go to just to make me feel like I'm an alien, or like I need to die. If I was anyone else, or if there was nothing wrong with me, people would not do what they do to me. The problem is I don't know how to change. I don't know what will make them happy or at least leave me alone. But, anyways, it just took me by surprise that you say, I too possess something good. I don't hear this often and to me, it seems like there is nothing I can do. So, thank you for that.

I think your friend is very strong. And it makes me so proud to hear of people beating the odds, and turning a not so good situation, into something positive. I absolutely love it when people make it. I've always been this way and that'll never change. I'm glad you shared that with me. In my case, I just don't think I will come out of this. I don't feel I deserve to be happy, and I think that I feel I should be going through the hell I'm in. I have no self esteem, and that will never comeback because it wasn't fully developed in childhood. So, I don't know what will ever become of me. I guess I'll just wait it out.

I don't have friends, and I just don't feel like I can go to family. They have their own issues to deal with, and I'm just not sure how they really feel about me. They have good reasons to hate me. They may not, but I just can't tell. So, I get to see what it feels like to have no one. I guess that's what I get.

I don't know if people would help me. So many hate me, and I just don't feel I deserve help. I kind of feel I deserve bad treatment. I've adapted to it.

I'm sorry if this was too long or if I did not make sense. I'm just a mess. But, I want to thank you again for just talking to me, responding to me and being so supportive. It means a lot to me.

Thanks, also for the well wishes. I wish you well also.

You are special just because you are human, you don't have to prove it to anyone else. Sounds like you are the pick of the bunch in your family anyway so that's a start.
Acceptance is a great thing, it is what it is. Doesn't mean you can't improve things if the opportunity arises, just that you don't beat yourself up for things you can't control. Good luck

@looney

Thank you for support and for being so positive.

I am the one in the family that is...odd, I guess. I am the outsider, and I am the only one who is seen and treated like a child. I'd like to have been different, but I can't change things. So, I see what you mean about acceptance. It's funny how you mentioned that because today I feel like I'm ready to accept my circumstances. I realize I've been crying out for all these years and it has done no good, I'm still at square one. I have no choice but to accept the way things have to be.

Thank you, again.

Hey there again

I want to share a little analogy I just came up with.

Right now, reading your post, you are in a dark place. It feels like being in a dark room with just a little bit of light shining through the door. You are searching around in the room for something you lost. You had it once long ago, when there was more light (when you were 19-23 according to your comments). In that room is a photo that reminds you of the time when you had happiness, when you felt worthy, when you felt alive. You know it is in there somewhere, its just really poor light and very hard to see. So you find yourself stumbling around and getting more and more irritated and fed up.

But then you stumble upon a candle and manage to find a match box next to it. You light it up and instantly, you see just a bit better. Now, imagine the candle is just one memory from a happier time (when you were 19-23). It illuminates the darkness a bit and things seem a bit more positive for you. There is a lot of junk in this room and it is very cluttered in here. The room is your mind. The junk, is all of the self-defeating thoughts and mental chatter that never shuts up and drains you mentally. But now you can see a little bit, you are able to put the junk aside, one piece at a time, and create a little order, right?

After a few moments, you feel at least like you have a little more control over your domain. Ah, whats this, another candle? You strike another match and the room gets a little brighter again, and you can see further back into the room (further back into your mind). You carry on putting the junk into some order, tossing aside the stuff that is just in the way, and putting other things you know will help right where you can get at them.

You are making progress now and feeling good about yourself. Somehow the room seems a little pleasant and not so cold and dark. You know you always had good skills in this area, so you go to it once again and after another few minutes the room is starting to look pretty good. You can see some boxes in the far corner, under a pile of books. The books represent cherished memories of your past. They are dusty since they havent been opened for a long time, but inside them are actually lots of good memories. There is the time you got your first birthday present. You read about when you first started school and answered a question the teacher gave you correctly. Then there was the time when you first held hands with someone, your first pet, your first job and how good it felt to have gotten that. What other stories are in those books? Before you know it, there are stories from your past you had completely forgotten about that are all here. They were all along, but its hard to see them in the dark.

Feeling happier than you have in a long time you look up and sit back for a few seconds. You know very definitely there are plenty of things you could feel proud of, happy about, excited about, grateful for, arent there. They are all written down in those books you own. Even better, you know there are plenty of people who love you and would really miss you if you were not there any more. As you look up, you see a light switch - it was there all along to, but hidden behind the clutter in the dark. You get up excitedly and flick the switch and there is the picture you were hunting for, on the shelf right beside it.

...Like I said, you are special. There is only one you. There has never been anyone quite like you. There never will be again. Reflect on that. Then do it every day and you will start to see things for what they really are my dear. Please never give up on yourself.

Warm Regards,
Thislpass x

@thislpass

Wow! That is a great analogy that you came up with. You are right on point ...with everything, in terms of what it is really like inside my head. I can see that my mind is obstructed right now. I don't see any way out, I have no hope. If I could just get a glimpse of something, anything, that could show me that I deserve to live, and not just live, but live a normal life, be happy when I can. I can't see it. I know that I've had a very negative thinking pattern since I was a child, but I really feel like the messages or thoughts that I'm getting about myself are in fact true. Thoughts like I'm worthless, like I'm nothing, like I am not good enough, abnormal, inadequate in all areas of my life, these thoughts I believe are real. I'm trying to believe otherwise.

What you shared with me, the analogy, it's great. I enjoyed reading it, and I hope to just try to find my way out out of the darkness. Maybe, one day, I'll get closure on some things, so that I can move on. I just don't know right now how to even begin. I don't know how to get well. Not on my own. But, I realize this is my mess, so I have to figure it out.

Thanks again for taking the time to write to me and support. I truly appreciate it. :)

This is from someone that I read on here, and it really touched me...

Put your hand over your heart. Feel that? That th-thump.. th-thump... that's called "purpose". You are here for a purpose. There is a reason you are in this world, and even that you are in this dark corner of it. I don't pretend to know the reason, just that it IS there. I have been in many dark places, and I can tell you this. The darkness cannot defeat the light.... not ever. Light always wins.

Now, perhaps you are being beaten down, to better prepare you for someone you'll meet later on, who will need the understanding, and support that ONLY someone whose been there, done that, can offer. Maybe there is a nurse somewhere who needs the smile of my friend who just found out his brain tumor was malignant. I have no idea, I just know that God NEVER makes mistakes. So who you are, and where you find yourself, is by design.

So, learn from it, take all this great advice you receive on here, and move forward, confident in the fact that God's plan for you is awesome, and therefore, He must have made you awesome to pull it off. TP is right, you are unique, and you have a unique purpose as well. Strive to find out what it is, then embrace the task. Trust me, the rewards are unimaginable.

Sorry for rambling, I just like to make my points over and over again, because not many people listen to a squirrelly dude. ;-)

This is a post from another friend....

I shared a prayer on someone's post just now and I wanted to post it for all who are interested to read. It's my favorite prayer and I've come across many people who weren't familiar with it. This illness wreaks such havoc on us all. I genuinely care about people and as much as I appreciate the support I get here, I hate to know that others experience the pain that I do. I'm struggling right along with many others right now. So I'm just sharing something that brings me some comfort in the hopes that it brings the same to even just one other person.

The Knots Prayer

Dear God:
Please untie the knots that are in my mind, my heart and my life.
Remove the have nots, the can nots and the do nots
that I have in my mind.

Erase the will nots, may nots, might nots that may find
a home in my heart.

Release me from the could nots, would nots and
should nots that obstruct my life.

And most of all, Dear God,
I ask that you remove from my mind, my heart and my life all of the 'am nots' that I have allowed to hold me back, especially the thought that I am not good enough.
AMEN

Author Known To God

Hello again.

Something I wrote last night in another forum - Friends4U - but I thought it was appropriate here too

Perception

Perception...hmmm, interesting concept. Have you ever wondered how the world really is. We dont actually see with our eyes, but with our brain. Yet the brain has never seen the light of day. We hear with our ears, and yet they carry the sounds, the brain does all the interpreting. We taste, we touch, we smell, and yet every single sensation we have takes place only ever in the brain: something that has never seen the world around it. Think about that for a moment.

We live in a subjective world where everything we think of as reality is by and large of our own making. We are constantly sending out and receiving signals, all the time, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, from our first breath to our last.

When you are feeling depressed, it can really seem like such a Dark Enervating Place, with a very real sense of Relinquished Expression, a Sad Space, but know that Eventually, it always Dissipates (now, go back and re-read the last sentence and see what the capitalised letters spell out.

PERCEPTION IS E V E R Y T H I N G. Just thought I would let you know:)

@RugerFan

I can see why these posts touched you. They're excellent! Thanks so much for sharing them. I especially enjoyed the "Knots Prayer." That's a huge part of my problem...not feeling anything positive when it comes to myself. And, I won't continue to whine, but I just want to say, my entire life has been wasted away, and yes, it's because of a lot of poor choices that I've made. But, had I started off applying the "knot concept" I believe so many things in my life would have turned out differently, better for sure. What's done is done, though.

I am taking the advice from all of you all that have responded to me, and I'm hoping I can pull myself up again.

Thanks so much for your support!

@thislpass

This is very interesting, and makes complete sense. I've often wondered why my perception of something (mostly myself) seems so real, so accurate, yet so many people have claimed that it is just depression. I mean, I know that I am depressed, but I have always felt that my view of myself was correct. With this latest post that you shared, I'm starting to understand how badly depression can really cloud the mind. I'm just hoping that one day I can begin seeing things more clearly. And, honestly, I just want to know the truth about myself. I can't tell if I'm a good person, or not. I know I feel like a bad person. I feel, just useless. So, I just want to know the truth. I hate to say this, but I guess I hope it is that depression is what makes me feel like a bad person because to have my perception of myself be real (that I'm horrible) is too much. I want to be a good person and I want others to be able to see that I'm one as well.

Well, thanks again for all your help and support. I'm taking in everything and giving life another shot.