You could start with a visit to your family doctor. You might want to consider trying some medication. You can tell your doctor most of your symptoms without necessarily stating you feel suicidal.
But if you don't think you can handle having a bottle of pills around the house maybe the hospital might be a good option. You can't be a good Mother if you are dead. Try to focus on your son. Where would he end up without you?

I'm so sorry you're having a hard go of it right now. Don't ever be afraid to reach our for help. Asking for help is one of the strongest things you can do. And it's terrifying. When I reached out to a therapist, I was scared because it meant I was kind of acknowledging "the crazy". But you're not crazy. If you're therapist is concerned hopefully she is helping you work through some issues. If it isn't working out, maybe seek a new counselor. There are so many options available. Don't focus on all the reasons not go get help (money, your boyfriend, etc). Do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself. Just don't give up. You are here for a reason. stay well <3

You don't trigger an avalanche by saying you're having troubles. I was completely suicidal, going htrough a divorce, had children etc. I went to the doctor and said 'could you run me through the tests for depression? I'm feeling a bit down in teh dumps.' and he ran me through the written test, and said 'yes looks like it' and then we talked meds.

Meds are great. You have to understand that you can't kill yourself on antidepressants so it would be stupid to try. But they do take away that really bad intensity and leave you in far better control of how you are doing.

Like turning the volume down on a stereo that's blaring white noise. Just turn that volume down, and then you can cope enough to get to the stereo and retune the station.

they don't fix your problems, but they make it so that your problems don't overwhelm you. Does that make sense?

And then once you have that, you need counselling. Everyone has counsellors nowadays. you can pretty much tell who's getting it by how together and relaxed they are. But only once you're in the know.

so don't be afraid. Just don't say the S word and you won't trigger any mandatory reporting requirements. And see how antidepressants go. they should make an enormous difference.

Keep posting here, many of us have had the same thoughts, people here care.

This must be soooo scary for you. You must talk to a professional ASAP. They can hopefully give you meds that will calm the thoughts in your head. I know you're afraid regarding your kid, but you could be putting them in more danger by not getting help for yourself. Suicide is NOT the answer. Your kid need you. Get help. God will protect and your kid. I'm praying for you. Please respond and let us know that you're ok.

I agree with all the current replies. It is understandable but your fears are not justified.

"i know I really need help ....
But I'm scared to get help."

Think about that. If you NEED something .. strive to get it.


"I feel like the if I get help just what happens after would make things worse."

Then it wouldn't be help, would it? PROFESSIONAL help is DESIGNED, STUDIED, PERFECTED, AND PROFESSIONALIZED to make things BETTER .... BETTER.

"I'm scared I'll be labeled as crazy or something and I'll just get tons of potty from people who don't really care."

There is no medical term 'crazy'. It is a colloquial term. Your medical information is no one's BUSINESS except yours and your medical provider. No one else needs to know unless you TELL THEM. In fact, I recommend you DON'T tell others ... they are ignorant, uneducated, unqualified, naive, have no idea what to do for you, get frustrated, and are really of NO HELP, Keep it between your medical professional and yourself.

"Plus who wants to be friends or date someone with all the baggage of someone who wants to die."

Can't think of a soul. This is why you need to get this fixed and that REQUIRES medical professional care. Can NOT do it on your own.

"I'm also scared that when I leave my boyfriend he can use the suicidal thoughts I have as reason to get our child and I'll lose my son."

Now ... THAT is a problem. You have to first analyze that and then know what to do. At the moment, you are together and child custody is not an issue. If you break up, (not be together) then custody IS an issue. One parent can agree to share custody with the other OR one can try to gain FULL custody. He very well might try to do that. That brings us to analyzing THAT. Have you ever ATTEMPTED suicide? Is it on record? If no to both, he could probably not make a case for full custody. Courts try to lean towards the Mother unless they have GOOD reason she is not the best choice ... but THINKING about suicide is something everyone does at one time or another.

"Also if I end up in the hospital I'll just more in debt for getting the help I most likely need. Im going to therapy and she's very worried about it but I just don't think it's worth it."

Yeah .. hospitalization is not free in the US. Not sure we should be convinced you need to go to the hospital at this point. Going to the hospital kind of depends on WHY ... if it is for depression ... not a big deal and it would be in the medical record so not NECESSARILY a threat to custody (possibly, but not likely). If the record says for SUICIDE PREVENTION, that is more of a threat to custody. So, it depends on why the admission was requested. KNOW THIS: If anyone is highly convinced you are a suicide risk, there is such a thing as mandatory hospitalization. You REALLY need to get off the suicide idea .... OFF OF IT. Rule it out. Take yourself to 'it will never happen' ... or it will cost you EVERYTHING .... custody for a likely examplel I want to also tell you that you can't fake it. Your association with mental health people (therapist) will see right through it. So get it out of yourself and tell your therapist "There is no suicide of any kind that I would consider" and MEAN IT. This is your BIGGEST PROBLEM ... suicide is NO ANSWER and neither is the though of it.

"Im also to scared to go on meds because I don't trust myself to have a bottle of meds around me seems easy to just kill myself."

I cannot think of a SINGLE med that overdosing on could kill you.

Some meds have a warning that they CAN increase suicidal ideation .... which means you COULD think of it enough to 'do it' .... from the meds. HOWEVER ...... this would be HIGHLY discussed with your medical prescriber. You MUST be honest with them. This is not a game. Get the suicide thing out of your head ... and let the professional come up with the medication ......after being FULLY INFORMED ... OR get on a medication that doesn't increase ideation. The point is, .. medication starts with an INFORMED doctor. He/she will handle it.

"What should I do."

Dump the suicide thing. Get some professional help ... even if you CAN'T dump the suicide thing. Inform your caregiver SUFFICIENTLY.

Consult a FAMILY LAWYER ... and give him/her the whole story .... enough for them to advise you on custody issues. Lawyers need to be HIGHLY informed in order to give good advice.

Keep things 'even' with boyfriend/Father until you get yourself in a better position.

Google the following:

suicidal ideation motherhood

and educate yourself. Good luck to you. NO SUICIDEING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!