Sounds like you need outside help right now. A close friend, a therapist, a clergy person, etc. And constantly listening to soothing music, exercise,
bubble baths, walking, etc. whatever gets you through each day.

Thanks for your response. I'm trying. I do need some help, some things to change because what I'm doing isn't cutting it right now. I hate the lack of motivation with depression, to me it's one of the worst symptoms. I have a really hard time fighting it. Even to do self-care and the things I KNOW will help-I can't seem to find the energy and motivation to do those things, even as I'm trying to make myself. I'm focusing right now on not being hard on myself because of this, accurately self-evaluating, and getting the HALF-TOs done because I can't neglect to let my dogs outside or feeding them, for example, obviously, I need to eat, and shower. I have to force myself to do those things.

I have found that having a check off list helps me feel that I have accomplished something. Put the simple things like fed dogs morning; let dogs out morning; again for evening; ate something mid day; ate something evening; etcetera. At these times we do not do much, but for me, being able to see checks adding up seems to help. Healing and comforting hugs.

Love the checklist idea.

Exactly how I feel. The only thing is to go on. It sucks feeling like that, but we made it this far in life and eventually things get better. I would definitely find a therapist psychiatrist psychologist that you can see. In the mean time look online for helpful exercises for your stressors. Not so much actual exercise but activities to help deal with the stress. Keep coming here the people here are very nice and sometimes just a kind word is enough to get you through the day. These things take time so never be discouraged. Especially when trying to help yourself out. Just admitting that is a big step and shows you are aware of the situation and that you are open to fixing it.

I definitely can relate to your struggles and symptoms. I’ve been there. I know how you feel. You’re not alone, please remember that. That’s what a place like this is for. I’ve only been a member since yesterday, and I already feel welcomed and accepted for my mental illness. Which you have to remember, that it’s an ILLNESS. It eats you from the inside out and it’s a monster you want to destroy and wish you never had. But it’s there. And it will be there, but you are not your depression. You’re still you, you’re in there. I’m really not in the greatest spot to give advice, but I would strongly recommend looking for professional help. If you need help and/or resources, PM me and I’ll help you. If you want to talk more to someone who relates, PM me. I’m here.

I know how you feel. I'm new here as well and dealing with a bout of fatigue and depression. You're not alone. It sometimes helps to get me through a bad time when I tell myself that these strong negative feelings are only temporary. The worst of it will pass. But if you do need help from someone else, don't be ashamed to reach out. I hope you feel better.

Thank you, everyone, for your kind words and suggestions. I am currently uninsured, which is part of why I'm on here, and I have had past counseling and med management, it's just my normal strategies and meds don't seem to be working for me right now.

My family has bee through a lot. I had been in an abusive marriage for 15 years, and I was lucky enough to get out marry a wonderful man, but then we had a home invasion and he was stabbed and almost died. He developed PTSD and my 15-year-old daughter who witnessed the stabbing became mentally ill as well, and I believe the stabbing was an environmental trigger for her disease. My hard-working husband went back to work 4 months after the stabbing and then was immediately injured at work and received a TBI. He'd been attacked by a patient where he worked and his PTSD became very severe. It's been hard to treat because for some reason psych people like to say his symptoms are neurological, and the neuro folks always say to go to psych people, so no one really wants to treat a complex case like his (what we really need is like a neuro-psych specialist, but they are few and far between.

So, I have been a caregiver for 2 people with serious, chronic health conditions, and I got burnout, bigtime. My DH and I got a home health aide for my DH, which is awesome, but right now I'm so depressed I can't even appreciate it. I've continuously tried to get back into the workforce and my family members health conditions have made that difficult. Right now I'm trying a work from home position which I hope will be the answer to my job-related issues, but I'm a contract agent and it takes time to build a clientele (teaching English Emersion to International students-I'm a teacher and a social worker by profession). So I am trying to put things in place to make my life less stressful, but day-to-day I am not functioning well right now.

I can totally relate to the feeling of looking forward to the end of the day so I can sleep, and wishing my life was over, Like you say, not wanting to die, but thinking, "When will life be over!" My advice is to look for a psychiatrist. I have been challenged by anxiety and depression throughout my adulthood which has been managed by medication and therapy. Over the past 2 years, I have had a lot of life stressors-- my dad getting sick and dying, my mom having health issues, and I have been surviving and have understandably been struggling emotionally. A few weeks ago, I got to the point where I was like, " This is not right, and I cannot live like this." This is more than my life stressors. So I called up my psychiatrist, and we decided to change my meds. I am in the process of changing my meds, and I am slowly starting to feel better. I am now no longer feeling that I cannot wait for the day to be over, and for life to be over. I used to start each day crying, and now I am not crying every morning.

I do believe you understand what Freud called a "death wish." I think, it wouldn't be so bad if I got in a car accident right now, or what would it be like to just not wake up, and wondering if death feels like sleep, and thinking about painless ways to die. Sometimes I can't believe these are my thoughts.

My DH and daughter have both made suicide attempts, so I know what that feels like as a loved one of the suicidal person, so an attempt is OFF THE TABLE, for me, plain and simple, but I still wish for death just because I can't get myself to believe that my constant struggling, stress, and emotional pain will ever let up otherwise with the kind of life I feel trapped in. My DD and DH, none of it is their fault, but their conditions are very challenging. It's also hard to watch and be so limited in what I can do about it-it increases that feeling of helplessness and hopelessness. I feel a bone, soul-crushing fatigue like if I have to jump through one more of life's hoops I'll lose it for good.