Depression Support Group
Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.
This is a blog I wrote several months ago for my loved ones to read and maybe understand me better. I posted a part of this in the "lacking motivation" post. It seems that it has been helpful for more people than I thought it would, so I am going to post it here too in hopes it may help any of you. HUGS
Depression hurts....
Wanna know how it feels?
It becomes harder-and-harder to understand the task at hand and what I should be doing next. My attention doesn't wander; I just can't figure out what is going on. It's as if my intelligence level starts falling.
I forget things. Tasks may be left undone or forgotten before I take even five footsteps.
I tend to wander around in a daze. Everything feels as if it were a bit distant and it is difficult to make decisions on what to do next.
Decisions, from complex issues at work, to simple things like whether to go to the supermarket this evening, become harder to make. I tend to put off making any decisions at all.
I start to delay doing things. Dishes start piling up in my sink.
I get nervous dealing with people. I feel as if they are going to accuse me of some little thing I did wrong, or shout at me. I feel as if I ask for help or a favour I will be turned down or laughed at.
Naturally, communications start to fail. I stop calling my friends, or returning phone calls.
I stop going out with friends or attending any social functions.
I stay in my house. I don't want to go outside for any reason. I only go out when I need food.
I tend to crave sugar. I can eat an entire box of chocolate cookies in half-hour. And then be disgusted with myself.
I spend a lot of time trying not to think. I read the same magazines over and over again, and I read a lot of trashy novels. Good literature and text books are usually beyond my ability to understand properly.
I can't study or do anything productive that requires concentrated thought.
I watch television six to ten hours a day if I get the chance. Or more. I can easily watch television from 5 pm to 4 am without even getting up for dinner.
My sleep patterns become odd. I stay up until two or three in the morning, reading.
I spend sixteen or more hours a day sleeping. I would often sleep hoping I would not wake up, or that the world would disappear before I woke up.
Everything in my house piles up to do. Clothes to be cleaned, dishes unwashed, garbage to be taken out, books strewn everywhere, bed unmade, clothes in the living room. You name it, it's not done.
I don't have the desire to do anything. Even more than that, the issue never really makes it into my consciousness. I would see a set of books to put away, but there would be no true connection between the mess and the need to clean it up. I might understand it abstractly, but not in any concrete terms of desire or need.
The inability to do things is not just for housework. It includes studies, work, social activities, basic personal maintenance.
My entire world comes crashing down around me as I stop being able to do anything.
I become terrified to talk to or hear from people. There is no reason for this at all. I always feel that people are going to yell at me.
I don't answer my telephone, I don't listen to my voicemails. Sometimes I don't even open my e-mail.
I usually spend days like this with an almost completely blank mind. Just enough of me is alive to make sure I eat and sleep to be cunning enough so that the average person doesn't suspect what is going on.
Because my mind is so blank, I usually have a hard time remembering what went on. But I can remember if I put a bit of effort into it.
The very symptoms of depression, the very despair and hopelessness, and the pain caused by so many other self-perpetuating thoughts and feelings - literally immobilize me.
The way friends, family members, loved ones, and society as a whole, perceive and react to depression can literally paralyze any efforts a person might make toward getting help.
I admit it - emotions can be hard to talk about for everyone.
But I need to talk about it and get positive feedback. Not be judged.
Depression carries a terrible social stigma.
Unless you are going through a divorce, death or other trauma, people cannot understand depression.
Emotional pain in our society is seen as a personal weakness, not a symptom of a physical disorder, chemical imbalance or nutrient deficiency.
People think I can just snap out of it!
Decide for it to stop!
"Will" it away...
People try to cheer me up, make light of my feelings or talk me out of them...
"We all feel depressed sometimes."
"Grin and bear it." (actually, we - depressed people - do this a lot !!)
"Smile even though your heart is breaking."
Uninformed people can say terribly hurtful things which can paralyze any attempts a depressed person might make to get help...
"Get a life, Get a grip, Get over it!"
"Life is hard for all of us - what makes you so special !?"
No one understands that depression is a physical illness. Even depressed people don't get it.
Pent up emotions can be extremely difficult to talk about to anyone - even someone I am close to. Having to tell someone how I feel is a risk and leaves me open, vulnerable to rejection and humiliation.
Will they believe me ?
Will I be taken seriously ?
Will they make me feel foolish, weak, and horribly embarrassed ?
Will I be left alone once again with those dark and deadly emotions ?
No wonder depression is so hard to come to terms with - "Ask for Help" ? - ha !
Sometimes I would almost rather die than admit I have it.
I mainly suffer alone.
It's just so hard to come to terms with these horrible feelings. At first, I really didn't get it - I didn't know what was wrong. I just pushed forward to get through the day. I just pushed it away - tried to ignore how I felt.
Don't stop - don't talk about it - keep moving - keep working - hope it will go away.
Sometimes I break down.
I'm not faking! Anyone who thinks so really should walk in my shoes for a day.
Nobody wants to have depression.
My depression comes with utter guilt, shame, & embarrassment for having these feelings. I often feel it's my own fault.
I am weak, cowardly, wimpy for "giving in" to "feelings" and "weak" emotions.
Why am I not strong enough to "fight it ?"
What's wrong with me - why can't I shake this ?
Am I not tougher than that ?
Do I have a lack of strength or goodness in my character or personality ?
Do I deserve to be punished ?
I sometimes see my life as meaningless and hopeless.
Maybe I should never have been born.
I fear I have lost control over my life.
I fear I have become dependant on antidepressant drugs, labeled "mentally ill."
Maybe I should be locked up in an institution - drugged and hospitalized, lost in the hands of the mental health system.
NO! I am tired of feeling ashamed!!!
Biology isn't personal.
Biology isn't my fault.
My biochemistry isn't a character flaw or personal weakness.
There is no shame in having diabetes, heart disease, cancer, Parkinson's, Huntington's ALS, EMS, MS, Alzheimer's, appendicitis, or being hit by car !!
Other people will get other diseases. I have this one.
Depression is truly an innocent, shameless, blameless, physical disorder that makes me believe that something is wrong with ME instead of my biochemistry.
It isn't my fault I have a physical disorder. And anyone who says otherwise can go to hell! (Come on in, the water's fine...)
Depression hurts....
Wanna know how it feels?
It becomes harder-and-harder to understand the task at hand and what I should be doing next. My attention doesn't wander; I just can't figure out what is going on. It's as if my intelligence level starts falling.
I forget things. Tasks may be left undone or forgotten before I take even five footsteps.
I tend to wander around in a daze. Everything feels as if it were a bit distant and it is difficult to make decisions on what to do next.
Decisions, from complex issues at work, to simple things like whether to go to the supermarket this evening, become harder to make. I tend to put off making any decisions at all.
I start to delay doing things. Dishes start piling up in my sink.
I get nervous dealing with people. I feel as if they are going to accuse me of some little thing I did wrong, or shout at me. I feel as if I ask for help or a favour I will be turned down or laughed at.
Naturally, communications start to fail. I stop calling my friends, or returning phone calls.
I stop going out with friends or attending any social functions.
I stay in my house. I don't want to go outside for any reason. I only go out when I need food.
I tend to crave sugar. I can eat an entire box of chocolate cookies in half-hour. And then be disgusted with myself.
I spend a lot of time trying not to think. I read the same magazines over and over again, and I read a lot of trashy novels. Good literature and text books are usually beyond my ability to understand properly.
I can't study or do anything productive that requires concentrated thought.
I watch television six to ten hours a day if I get the chance. Or more. I can easily watch television from 5 pm to 4 am without even getting up for dinner.
My sleep patterns become odd. I stay up until two or three in the morning, reading.
I spend sixteen or more hours a day sleeping. I would often sleep hoping I would not wake up, or that the world would disappear before I woke up.
Everything in my house piles up to do. Clothes to be cleaned, dishes unwashed, garbage to be taken out, books strewn everywhere, bed unmade, clothes in the living room. You name it, it's not done.
I don't have the desire to do anything. Even more than that, the issue never really makes it into my consciousness. I would see a set of books to put away, but there would be no true connection between the mess and the need to clean it up. I might understand it abstractly, but not in any concrete terms of desire or need.
The inability to do things is not just for housework. It includes studies, work, social activities, basic personal maintenance.
My entire world comes crashing down around me as I stop being able to do anything.
I become terrified to talk to or hear from people. There is no reason for this at all. I always feel that people are going to yell at me.
I don't answer my telephone, I don't listen to my voicemails. Sometimes I don't even open my e-mail.
I usually spend days like this with an almost completely blank mind. Just enough of me is alive to make sure I eat and sleep to be cunning enough so that the average person doesn't suspect what is going on.
Because my mind is so blank, I usually have a hard time remembering what went on. But I can remember if I put a bit of effort into it.
The very symptoms of depression, the very despair and hopelessness, and the pain caused by so many other self-perpetuating thoughts and feelings - literally immobilize me.
The way friends, family members, loved ones, and society as a whole, perceive and react to depression can literally paralyze any efforts a person might make toward getting help.
I admit it - emotions can be hard to talk about for everyone.
But I need to talk about it and get positive feedback. Not be judged.
Depression carries a terrible social stigma.
Unless you are going through a divorce, death or other trauma, people cannot understand depression.
Emotional pain in our society is seen as a personal weakness, not a symptom of a physical disorder, chemical imbalance or nutrient deficiency.
People think I can just snap out of it!
Decide for it to stop!
"Will" it away...
People try to cheer me up, make light of my feelings or talk me out of them...
"We all feel depressed sometimes."
"Grin and bear it." (actually, we - depressed people - do this a lot !!)
"Smile even though your heart is breaking."
Uninformed people can say terribly hurtful things which can paralyze any attempts a depressed person might make to get help...
"Get a life, Get a grip, Get over it!"
"Life is hard for all of us - what makes you so special !?"
No one understands that depression is a physical illness. Even depressed people don't get it.
Pent up emotions can be extremely difficult to talk about to anyone - even someone I am close to. Having to tell someone how I feel is a risk and leaves me open, vulnerable to rejection and humiliation.
Will they believe me ?
Will I be taken seriously ?
Will they make me feel foolish, weak, and horribly embarrassed ?
Will I be left alone once again with those dark and deadly emotions ?
No wonder depression is so hard to come to terms with - "Ask for Help" ? - ha !
Sometimes I would almost rather die than admit I have it.
I mainly suffer alone.
It's just so hard to come to terms with these horrible feelings. At first, I really didn't get it - I didn't know what was wrong. I just pushed forward to get through the day. I just pushed it away - tried to ignore how I felt.
Don't stop - don't talk about it - keep moving - keep working - hope it will go away.
Sometimes I break down.
I'm not faking! Anyone who thinks so really should walk in my shoes for a day.
Nobody wants to have depression.
My depression comes with utter guilt, shame, & embarrassment for having these feelings. I often feel it's my own fault.
I am weak, cowardly, wimpy for "giving in" to "feelings" and "weak" emotions.
Why am I not strong enough to "fight it ?"
What's wrong with me - why can't I shake this ?
Am I not tougher than that ?
Do I have a lack of strength or goodness in my character or personality ?
Do I deserve to be punished ?
I sometimes see my life as meaningless and hopeless.
Maybe I should never have been born.
I fear I have lost control over my life.
I fear I have become dependant on antidepressant drugs, labeled "mentally ill."
Maybe I should be locked up in an institution - drugged and hospitalized, lost in the hands of the mental health system.
NO! I am tired of feeling ashamed!!!
Biology isn't personal.
Biology isn't my fault.
My biochemistry isn't a character flaw or personal weakness.
There is no shame in having diabetes, heart disease, cancer, Parkinson's, Huntington's ALS, EMS, MS, Alzheimer's, appendicitis, or being hit by car !!
Other people will get other diseases. I have this one.
Depression is truly an innocent, shameless, blameless, physical disorder that makes me believe that something is wrong with ME instead of my biochemistry.
It isn't my fault I have a physical disorder. And anyone who says otherwise can go to hell! (Come on in, the water's fine...)
I hope heaps of people read this, especially those who really don't know what it's like. Thank you for posting this. Hugs!
my last job i was doing great - advanced from the lowest position possible to 2nd in command within a couple years. but then i started going through a really rough time and my illness got pretty bad. i was having panic attacks almost daily, sometimes at work. i had to miss a day of work due to a series of panic attacks. (i only missed 2 days of work in 5 years, this one, and when my dad had a heart attack. we worked 6 day work weeks, 50-60 hour weeks too - and i was going to school part-time....) i basically got fired because i was "too much drama" and "lacked motivation."
really? i was so unmotivated that i advanced quicker than anyone else in the history of that company..... i lacked motivation so much that even in my depressed and high anxiety state, even with the panic attacks, i still did a better job than the managers right below me - whom i should have been able to count on. yet, they are all still there despite how many shifts they miss.
blah.... sorry - i am still bitter about this to this day, not sure if i will ever get over it. jerks!
Doesn't that list pretty much cover everything?
what ARE we responsible for if none of that??
I won't buy into it. Just because those things are "tendencies" does not mean we have not control and shouldn't TRY to do better.
my actions or lack thereof ARE my fault, even though I have depression.
I CAN understand any book put in front of me....if I put enough effort into it I can focus just fine. I CAN function and WILL function, and try to become BETTER AND BETTER functioning.
I refuse to take all or even most of that onto myself. I would encourage others to NOT assume that it's like that for any and all who have a DX.
angelite, I realize you wrote this about yourself.
daisylou, i respect you're opinion - but you obviously misread the meaning behind all of this. the point is to show that when someone has an illness like we do, it literally does penetrate every single area of our lives, and many aren't able to TRY, or have a WILL - some are stronger than others, and some people have a more serious illness than other's. of course i want to try - i never said i didn't - but bottom line is, i have been this way for as long as i can remember on and off over the years - when someone tells me to "get over it" it pisses me off - like they think i am faking or something. believe me, i would love to get over it, but sometimes you can't.