I've lived with depression all my life. My mother is a manic depressive with a social anxiety disorder. I myself, was diagnosed with depression at the age of 12. Looking back, I don't know how such a thing could be possible, but I was but on strong doses of Paxil - and took it till I was nearly 20.

It's been over five years now since I've been on meds, and for the most part, they've been some of the best five years of my life. I wondered if I even really need drugs in the first place.

But lately, I've been having these spurts of hopelessness, anxiety, and a debilitating lack of self esteem. These bouts don't last long, but they come on strong and I am finding that my every day life is becoming affected by it.

For instance: I am a plus-size woman, normally very adjusted and, in fact, proud of my figure. But tonight, things are different. My boyfriend asked me to come out to a boxing match at the college nearby, but I refused. Even though I know I look no different than I did three days ago, the idea of stepping into that school and being surrounded by beautiful people (who may or may not be) judging me was terrifying. My bf and I got into a silly argument - he couldn't understand why I didn't want to go. And why not? How do you explain to some one that you feel like you're such a slob, such a waste of space, that the idea of going out in public is just not an option?

In the end, I insisted he go with out me, even though he offered to stay behind and hang out with me (and even though I really wanted him to, as well). I figured, hell, if at least one of us could be happy, why not?

Now I'm sitting in my apartment, alone, and kicking myself for not just getting over it.

Am I going nuts here? Is this even depression? I'm lost, I need help and people around me seem to understand just about as much as I do - not a whole lot!