I'm sorry things are so difficult right now! I know you don't feel like it, but I really wish you'd call you dr and try the inpatient route... what do you have to lose? Killing yourself is always an option that no one can take away. You may feel differently though being inpatient for a while. I know there was a time that I really wished I were dead, but things are different in my life now and I'm so glad I didn't act on the feelings. Please get help. Here if you want to talk. ((hugs))

I understand why you can't seem to do what everyone else wants you to do They don't know what is going through your head and what your heart feels like. And please don't think that you are a waste of space because that is not true whatsoever, okay? No, you DO need to be on this site. Please let us support you and help you in every possible way that we can. You are going through a very hard time right now and I can really relate to how you feel. So please know that you are not alone. It doesn't matter if it's one person who would miss you, or hundreds, the point is, you would be missed and the people missing you would really hurt without you. I don't want to lay any guilt on you so I"m going to stop here.Please post, let us help, and know that we care.... Hugs.

I have walked in footsteps myself many times, not long ago. It's okay to have those feeling when you in distress, Just don't react to them. I know it's hard to find the courage to reach out for help when you feel like your at the end of your rope. Well it takes more courage to live than it does to die. it may be rough right now, all you can see is a dark cloud hanging over your shoulder. If you can imagine just one thing that could keep you alive for the moment than you can create it. Build upon it and you can create a life that you desire. It's not easy, it takes a lot of work on your part. So ask yourself is my life worth it? do not act just walk through the feeling, it does pass in time. I spent many nights thinking the same thing you are but for a different reason, Today I am alive and I live. I have the option to change my life into what I want it to be, who I want and who I share it with. The choices you make today determines where you are standing tomorrow, choose your choices wisely.

I appreciate your support, I really do. It's the only real support I have right now. But I'm afraid I am just so far gone. I'm always hearing about "choices" how I can chose to be happy. ??? Maybe it's my "illness" but I have never been able to wrap my brain around that one. If someone could just chose to be happy, why in the hell would anyone chose anything else? ??? It just makes me feel even more worthless to think that people actually have this amazing power that I just can't seem to even come close to. The closest I ever came was when I went on prozac and wellbutrin for the first time. I didn't even know I was capable of feeling so good. But those drugs stopped working a long time ago, and nothing else has even come close. Not even shock treatments, or all the "latest and greatest" new drugs. I have had so much therapy in my life, there is nothing left to talk about. I'm really already dead. My body just doesn't know it yet. I know my death will effect a few people, but I'm only really worried about one. In reality it should be the best thing that could happen to him. He will no longer have to worry about me, or have to pick up the slack for things I can't do for myself. I just love him so much and it really does kill me to think of anything hurting him. Especially me. But I'm already doing that. Just in a different way. I need to set both of us free. I have the means to do it, it's not the way I wanted it to be, but I just don't have the energy to go out any other way. I feel bad even writing about all this. Just feel I'm putting out even more negativity into the world. I think enough is enough. I can never even begin to say how sorry I am.

I am in the exact same mental state and can relate completely. You sound just like me.

I hope you feel better soon. I was once where it seems like you are and I thought no medicine could help me. I had been on so many different med combinations and nothing did a bit of good. Fortunately I got admitted to the hospital and the doctor started doing ECT (electroconvulsive therapy) and it was like I woke up from some sort of dream. I had completely lost all hope that anything would every work for me and I thought I knew I was better off dead, or at least asleep for the forseeable future. I'm not being paid by anyone or any company when I tell you that ECT saved my life and that you should consider doing as I did and getting ECT. If you have any questions at all for me, about ECT or otherwise, please private message me. Believe me when I say that there is hope for a less sucky future through ECT.

I hope you feel better soon. I was once where it seems like you are and I thought no medicine could help me. I had been on so many different med combinations and nothing did a bit of good. Fortunately I got admitted to the hospital and the doctor started doing ECT (electroconvulsive therapy) and it was like I woke up from some sort of dream. I had completely lost all hope that anything would every work for me and I thought I knew I was better off dead, or at least asleep for the forseeable future. I'm not being paid by anyone or any company when I tell you that ECT saved my life and that you should consider doing as I did and getting ECT. If you have any questions at all for me, about ECT or otherwise, please private message me. Believe me when I say that there is hope for a less sucky future through ECT.

also, I read that you tried shock treatments but did you do all of the treatment AND maintainence ones? I didn't start feeling an effect until my 6th and then by the 8th I was feeling better than I had all the way since elementary school (about 11 years) By the 13th one I had gotten my old job back, graduated from university. And now I'm just doing maintenence ones every month or so. So don't give up on ECT because maybe you just didn't do enough. Don't give up! I was exactly where you are, tried to commit suicide, got put into inpatient, went through all sorts of meds and now ECT is my key to success!