One bad day after another. They all pile atop each other, weighint me down.

I am not sure how long I can exist like this: in emotional pain, severe depression and being this alone.

There has been only two women I have been totally in love with. Yes I have been married three times, but the first two, well there is a story there but I won't tell it. My third wife, I was totally in love with. She was totally in love with me. Eleven years of a wonderful life and then, in a really strange way, she was gone.

The "first" one I was in love with I met after I was in college, well, not IN college, I was forced out. I was 23, I think, she was about a year younger. Is "love at first sight" really true? I think so. We were.

We had a four month relationship, it was, well, wonderful. I never felt so close to a woman. We were devoted to each other. Time spent with her was heaven. I even asked her to marry me when she graduated from college in six months. 

We had an issue about something. Her father was an asshole. When I met him, I could tell he hated me. I was a hippy, he didn't like that at all.  When he found out his daughter was engaged to me, he went totally ballistic, saying horrible things to me and his daughter. Once back to the little town we lived in, on the six hour drive back, we had our first and only arguement. It wasn't a good scene.

Someting inside of me went stupid a couple of days later. Yes, there was this other girl, I hardly knew her, we had spoken a few times in the lobby of the dorm. I ran into her and she heavily flrited wih me. Later that night we ended up having sex.

Now see, my girlfriend was a virgin and even though we had heavy foreplay, she always backed out of making love. Her Catholic mother had convienced her, since she was a virgin, the first time would be a lot of horrible pain. I knew she wanted to make love, she said enough about it, we talked about it and yet we would frequently end up in bed, having pleasure but no making love.

I was weak.

From guilt, I kind of distanced myself from my GF for a while, trying to sort out things. We got together a few times and then, so suddenly...and I hadn't even seen it coming, our relationship just stopped.  There was confusion between us, mistakes were made, our paths were messed up. I missed a date with her, not because I wanted to, it just happen, something out of my control. Two days later I wrote her a letter explaing things and asked her to meet me in front of the university library so we could talk things out. Her asshole roommate, she didn't give her the letter, she never knew I wanted to work things out and get back together. When she didn't show up, I thought she didn't want to try. It broke my heart to think she had read the letter and decided not too. I broke her heart because she thought I had left her. It was all a big mess.

Over the next forty years, I frequently thought of her, even being married to the 2nd wife and being totally in love with my true love of eleven years. A human being, when they have found their soul mate and then lost them, NEVER forgets, no matter what.

Open my return to Texas, I found her on Facebook. I took a chance and wrote her. I even put in a friend request. Two days later she accepted. For the last two months, she has come to my page, she has left notes to me, we have sort of communicated. I asked her for  chance to meet and talk. I suppose she came up with a valid reason to put it off, but I'm not sure. She never lied to me, so why now? We exchanged a couple of emails but that was it. Two days ago she was on Messernger and wanted to finally chat but I didn't, at that time, so I did send her one back. Since then she has been silent to my request to chat.

Over the past couple of months, I have posted certain music videos on my FB. I have even tagged her on some of them. They express how I feel about her. Now I KNOW she still loves me, I can tell. And I KNOW the feeling is mutual.

It's like the song by Cheap Trick..."The Flame"...it has never gone away for either one of us.

WHY would she accept my friend request, made a few remarks and then ask to chat if SOMETHING is not still there after fourty years?

All I want is a chance to explain, a chance to tell her about my letter, that there was a communication issue because of her cold hearted roommate.

I can't help my feelings for her. Love like this, even after forty years, just doesn't go away. I know they haven't for her. 

It's like she is either afraid of what might happen if we were to get together, even for the first time, or she is too scared to admit to her feelings...or, she is torturing me.  I just don't know.

This is making me craay, depressed. I know she is lonely and would meet after forty years, maybe she doesn't want the horrid hurt be  piled onto.  But...I know there is this deep love between us, it never died.

And here I am, near the point of no return.

I need her in my life. I know she needs me too. If a couple are soul-mates and something happens to split them up...not even time, like forty years can break that connection.

I am lost.

With these feelings added to my depression...and not knowing what is going on...and no view of a future, I often think about checking out of the hotel, without ever knowing what the true possibilties for us might be.