Depression Support Group
Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.
i never told anyone this irl before, except a therapist.. but only for a few minutes. but i was talking to one of my online friends tonight and i opened up to him about my childhood abuse from my dad. its so hard for me to talk about it irl because it feels like im incapable of talking about my feelings. i wasnt really raised like that, i didnt really get lots of affection and i dont feel connected with my parents. both my mom and dad would verbally and physically abuse me.. but with my dad it was way worse because of his anger issues and violent behavior. it just hurt more with him ig. i dont really want to get into specific fights but i think it was bad.. he only made me bleed one time tho and i grew up being scared of him and hiding from him whenever he would get mad. i think the verbal abuse was worse because he would say the worst things to me and i would feel so awful about myself and i felt so worthless.
i think the abuse is affecting my relationships irl.. like with my bf i find it impossible to be physical with him.. like cuddling and stuff. i still flinch whenever he touches my back or touches my neck.. it took until our third date for me to hug him.. for the longest time i thought that was normal but it was tonight when i realized that its not. its also impossible for me to open up to people, i distance myself from people and im also incredibly shy too. i hate showing emotion or affection cuz idk how to, i honestly dont think my parents ever hugged me unless they were apologizing for hurting me.. and whenever they did it felt wrong and uncomfortable. sometimes thats how i feel with my friends and they dont even know. i felt like i was keeping a secret from all my friends growing up and i never wanted them to come over my house because of him.. he was just so unpredictable.
the abuse isnt that bad rn.. whenever my dad would get mad when i was a kid, it would be over dumb stuff.. like spilling my drink or making too much noise. but the abuse rn is mainly just verbal.. i just wish i told someone what was happening when i was younger, like in middle school or elementary school. i kept it from everyone i ever knew for so long and idk why. i just wish someone knew, because it really hurt me inside and im just now realizing it.
In my opinion-- we are all put here for a reason-- and that is to reach out and encourage and help each 0ther.
PS I was fortunate- only 1 instance of physical abuse. at about 9. My baby brother got ahold of a new camera I had just gotten for Easter. My drunk father threw it down and when it broke , kicked me across the room-- telling me to clean it up -- is my fault for not taking better care of it. I was on my hands and knees with a dustpan and brush in tears when an older sisters friend stopped by to pick her up. (so very embarrassing -- even moreso as they explained I dropped it and it broke) I can tell you also that verbal abuse is even worse as it does SO MUCH damage to how we see ourselves but noone ever has a clue. Those words do cut like a knife. and even as our lives go on can still come back and haunt us. It's important that you try to remember those hateful words you got from them were not the truth-- but rather from others who also felt very bad about themselves and were trying to spread their hurt around. As time goes on-- when you come across POSITIVE FEEDBACK-- try to hang tight to that and take it all in. Eventually you will realize THAT will help you become who you truly are (and deserve to be) Someone just as important and special as anyone else-- who also deserves to be happy.
Hugs, Kim
For you, it can't be undone but the damage it caused can be repaired. I urge you to seek professional counseling and therapy. You simply have to tell what you have posted here. It describes it perfectly.
Please continue with therapy. It has been my life saver.
Sending lots of hugs and support.
Couldn't wait til morning, just found it. It's called The Courage to Heal, A Guide for Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis. I found it on Amazon a few years ago. Hope these resources help you, if you are interested.
Please keep us posted on your progress.
If you're a minor, there are protections in place by law. You can talk to your school counselor. If you're not a minor, you can call online counselors for free (just do an internet search), go to your community college office, or find free counseling with a pastor at a church. You can also call the National Domestic Violence Hotline 800-799-7233, the National Child Abuse Hotline 800-422-4453, or the National Organization for Victim Assistance 800-879-6682.
I was sexually abused by my father and tried to "stuff it down" for many years, which only led to lots of bad choices on my part...self-destructive stuff that only made me more depressed and angry. I finally found healing at a support group at my church where we worked through a book called The Door of Hope (for sexual abuse survivors).
There IS hope for you, there is healing. Don't give up. Keep seeking ways to find someone in whom you can confide. I know therapy is expensive, but there are many free or low-cost resources (try the ideas above). Your future depends on you being able to feel FREE from what happened to you and not let it define you forever.
Your dad was likely an abuse victim himself, as these things tend to pass down thru generations. He isn't off the hook because of that though, it just helps to understand WHY he was that way. The verbal abuse likely has filled your head with a bunch of lies about who you are. Don't believe them. You are no longer a victim, but you CAN be an overcomer. You are a beautiful, unique person, precious to God, made to bring joy and beauty and love to a world that desperately needs those things. May you find healing and restoration so that you can go forward with hope and a beautiful life.