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idk

josh_wil
josh_wil

i never told anyone this irl before, except a therapist.. but only for a few minutes.  but i was talking to one of my online friends tonight and i opened up to him about my childhood abuse from my dad. its so hard for me to talk about it irl because it feels like im incapable of talking about my feelings.  i wasnt really raised like that, i didnt really get lots of affection and i dont feel connected with my parents.  both my mom and dad would verbally and physically abuse me.. but with my dad it was way worse because of his anger issues and violent behavior. it just hurt more with him ig. i dont really want to get into specific fights but i think it was bad.. he only made me bleed one time tho and i grew up being scared of him and hiding from him whenever he would get mad.  i think the verbal abuse was worse because he would say the worst things to me and i would feel so awful about myself and i felt so worthless.


i think the abuse is affecting my relationships irl.. like with my bf i find it impossible to be physical with him.. like cuddling and stuff.  i still flinch whenever he touches my back or touches my neck.. it took until our third date for me to hug him.. for the longest time i thought that was normal but it was tonight when i realized that its not. its also impossible for me to open up to people, i distance myself from people and im also incredibly shy too.  i hate showing emotion or affection cuz idk how to, i honestly dont think my parents ever hugged me unless they were apologizing for hurting me.. and whenever they did it felt wrong and uncomfortable. sometimes thats how i feel with my friends and they dont even know. i felt like i was keeping a secret from all my friends growing up and i never wanted them to come over my house because of him.. he was just so unpredictable.


the abuse isnt that bad rn.. whenever my dad would get mad when i was a kid, it would be over dumb stuff.. like spilling my drink or making too much noise. but the abuse rn is mainly just verbal.. i just wish i told someone what was happening when i was younger, like in middle school or elementary school. i kept it from everyone i ever knew for so long and idk why. i just wish someone knew, because it really hurt me inside and im just now realizing it.

veggiequeen
veggiequeen
It is not to late to talk to someone. I think you would be wise to try to reach out to a counselor or therapist. All of what you have been through can't be ignored . It has affected who you are now and how you feel and deal with things. I have been through a lot in my lifetime and could not understand why at the time. What I did discover was that as I did find myself in counseling or therapy because of circumstances along the years-- each time I would come to understand something else. It is almost as if I am being given stepping stones to continue to lead me further on that path toward a healthier, happier life. (I have come to realize that of many others I have shared/ chatted with. Each has given me some small lesson as well)

In my opinion-- we are all put here for a reason-- and that is to reach out and encourage and help each 0ther.

PS I was fortunate- only 1 instance of physical abuse. at about 9. My baby brother got ahold of a new camera I had just gotten for Easter. My drunk father threw it down and when it broke , kicked me across the room-- telling me to clean it up -- is my fault for not taking better care of it. I was on my hands and knees with a dustpan and brush in tears when an older sisters friend stopped by to pick her up. (so very embarrassing -- even moreso as they explained I dropped it and it broke) I can tell you also that verbal abuse is even worse as it does SO MUCH damage to how we see ourselves but noone ever has a clue. Those words do cut like a knife. and even as our lives go on can still come back and haunt us. It's important that you try to remember those hateful words you got from them were not the truth-- but rather from others who also felt very bad about themselves and were trying to spread their hurt around. As time goes on-- when you come across POSITIVE FEEDBACK-- try to hang tight to that and take it all in. Eventually you will realize THAT will help you become who you truly are (and deserve to be) Someone just as important and special as anyone else-- who also deserves to be happy.

Hugs, Kim
Community LeaderWanderingVet
WanderingVet
It is not too late. There are millions in the same condition and for the same reasons. It is fixable. There are tons of info on the Internet about child abuse. There are plenty of therapeutic professionals helping people deal with it.

For you, it can't be undone but the damage it caused can be repaired. I urge you to seek professional counseling and therapy. You simply have to tell what you have posted here. It describes it perfectly.
Flashreturns
Flashreturns
Keep talking to the therapist. Thats key. You can tell your boyfriend you had a complicated time with your father. You dont have to go into huge detail with him. Tell him to be patient, If he is a good man he will wait.
Trudy1021
Trudy1021
You have WAYYYY MORE courage than I ever could I was molested for yrs by a older cousin and even at 44 I would dare not say anything he is like the gold star of the family I don't remember most of it the time stamps it was off and on somewhere between 3rd and 6 grade
Scaredandafraid
Scaredandafraid
Like everyone else says, keep talking to your therapist. Express the realization to that person as well and they might give you greater insight into it. Also, if you really care about your boyfriend and think that this is a big factor in your relationship, he deserves to know. You don't have to unload every detail to him but at least so he can get an understanding of your hesitation and fear. Plus being close to him might make it easier to be able to express and having the weight of someone else knowing off your shoulders may be what you need to be able to cope and move forward. You have your while life ahead of you and you are still young enough and getting a head start on the situation. Just always remember you are worth it and we are all here for you no master what with open arms and understanding
bethelbee
bethelbee
I was abused at 7 by my oldest brother and it was repressed for decades. Ended up being the cause of an adulthood full of depression, anxiety, PTSD, and several suicidal ideations, .Luckily no attempts, but a few hospitalizations. My last therapist got me through the worst part of my life and actually, after he talked with my brother, he actually apologized to me, something that is extremely rare for an abuser. My present therapist is absolutely wonderful and helps to keep me together.
Please continue with therapy. It has been my life saver.
Sending lots of hugs and support.
jeffneedshelp
jeffneedshelp
Kudos for bringing it to light and speaking up. This is the path to healing. Welcome.
josh_wil
josh_wil
thank you for everyone who replied, it made me feel less alone when everyone shared their stories and the healing process. i was going through a breakdown when i wrote my discussion post, and this morning i instantly regret posting it and i felt embarrassed... but after reading what everyone said i felt better and kinda proud for talking about it. usually, i pm everyone who responded with their kind words or their heartbreaking/ inspiring stories but i didnt this time cuz this subject is overwhelming to me. but yea thank you for making me feel less alone.. and i will tell my bf about the abuse when the time comes... its just so hard to becuase theres still so many emotions i havent expressed about it but im trying to learn how to... and btw i dont go to therapy anymore cuz its too expensive and it was a waste cuz i didnt talk about my problems but idk if its helpful for me rn.
bethelbee
bethelbee
Glad we were able to help you feel a little better! It's a tough road. If you're interested, there's a website called HAVOCA, stands for help for adult victims of child abuse, that's helpful. I also have a really good book; will find it in the morning and let you know the title/author. It's basically for women who were abused as children.
Couldn't wait til morning, just found it. It's called The Courage to Heal, A Guide for Women Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis. I found it on Amazon a few years ago. Hope these resources help you, if you are interested.
Please keep us posted on your progress.
muffin444
muffin444
You didn't say your age, but since you said that now the abuse is mostly verbal, and also you said "i just wish i told someone what was happening when i was younger, like in middle school or elementary school"...it makes me wonder if you're still living at home and maybe even still a minor??? But then you also said you discontinued therapy because it was too expensive, which is unlikely if you're a minor to have been paying for that. So I'm guessing on your age.

If you're a minor, there are protections in place by law. You can talk to your school counselor. If you're not a minor, you can call online counselors for free (just do an internet search), go to your community college office, or find free counseling with a pastor at a church. You can also call the National Domestic Violence Hotline 800-799-7233, the National Child Abuse Hotline 800-422-4453, or the National Organization for Victim Assistance 800-879-6682.

I was sexually abused by my father and tried to "stuff it down" for many years, which only led to lots of bad choices on my part...self-destructive stuff that only made me more depressed and angry. I finally found healing at a support group at my church where we worked through a book called The Door of Hope (for sexual abuse survivors).

There IS hope for you, there is healing. Don't give up. Keep seeking ways to find someone in whom you can confide. I know therapy is expensive, but there are many free or low-cost resources (try the ideas above). Your future depends on you being able to feel FREE from what happened to you and not let it define you forever.

Your dad was likely an abuse victim himself, as these things tend to pass down thru generations. He isn't off the hook because of that though, it just helps to understand WHY he was that way. The verbal abuse likely has filled your head with a bunch of lies about who you are. Don't believe them. You are no longer a victim, but you CAN be an overcomer. You are a beautiful, unique person, precious to God, made to bring joy and beauty and love to a world that desperately needs those things. May you find healing and restoration so that you can go forward with hope and a beautiful life.