My ex and I still live together for now. Just until I find a place and get my mental health under control, a new job, get my depts paid off, and more on this laundry list of things that feels like a mountain. He said he's my friend and supports me, but spends most of his time with work and talking to his online friends. I only ever talk to him at short intervals through out the day and at dinner time. He talks more to his online friends than me anymore, even during work since he works from home. I told him that I need support from friends who check in on me during this time. Why? Becasue it helps me keep my head on straight. He never does. (Also, this type of behavior is not new. He's been a type of distant, but also close, for over eleven years, but the isolation has gotten worse over the past couple years.)

Where am I going with this? The depression has been getting better, but has started to occasionally spike. Today is one of those days and I told myself today "I'd rather live out of my car or be dead than living with that clueless so-called friend." For the record, the dead thing is nothing I am even remotely thinking about, so don't think this is a crisis situation. I'm just angry and hurt. Angry because he is the only close thing to a friend I got. I am at a crossroads with my family as they either are too conservative to provide good advise, or too misunderstanding to understand. Also, possibly toxic. I'm also hurt because we told each other we would be there for each other as friends. I, almost, everyday check on him and he gives me the same answer (which is the same answer he has provided for our eleven year relationship.). He never checks on me.

I really thought deep today about what if I did just pack what I can and start my new life living out of my car, which I have zero money to keep gas in. It wouldn't work on so many levels. plus, I'd have to give up my cat and he's the only true friend keeping me from even considering suicide. It's just... I feel like I am going no where right now. I can't find profesional help, let alone services (who will call me back after over two months) to get the funds and help to get that help. I need a job in such a bad way... but I need to get my mental health in check or I'll just blow it...

Again, I am not in crisis. I am scared, sad, and in a bubble of a rutt. I need friends to lean on and I have been trying to get new ones who are nearby, but the search is so hard in small towns. I miss Pittsburgh and that is where my friends are, but I could never afford to go back. That area of PA has gotten more expensive, even to just rent an apartment. I miss having a support circle that is so solid with both family and friends. What happened is I moved away from the friends and my family is hard to tell anymore if I can trust any of them.

I know talking to my ex will help and I am gonna try if he doesn't just dash off in a huff after dinner, which is never a negative experience and he almost always enjoys food and some TV. It's just how he is and he know he needs therapy, but he's waiting until I move out or the right time to do it. He's been waiting over five years to make the call and the right moment hasn't happened yet. (Sorry, now I'm venting.) I know this is a lot in one post, but, as always, any support and advise is greatly appreciated.