Depression Support Group
Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.
This is my story.
Sometimes my best friend told me that I should see a shrink. But I know that'd be a terrible idea because I can handle myself, there are just times that I tend to zone out.
It's really hard because when things get bad and when I become upset, I can't help but to think that I should die. I've done the worst deed my life twice. And I'm very lucky that I'm still here.
I just finished college last March 2014. And for starters, I'm handling our family business at the age of 19 and it is horrible. I always wanted to study Creative Writing but I did pursue a business course because that's how it is supposed to be. I can say that we used to be a wealthy family. Not until my father became an alcoholic. I even suspect him that he uses coke but I don't know because I don't care anymore.
My mother and I are the one to suffer the consequences of what he did. I'm really mad to the point that I just lost all the respects I have for him. He totally abandoned us and left us with millions of debts and we have no idea how to settle things because we are running out of cash. It might be really shallow for you guys but it's really difficult. I still have two sisters who are still studying and they still need their father.
He abandoned us, left the house for like 3 months. Though it's hard because we are earning too little, it was such a relief because he used to hurt us. I really used to wish him dead. Sometimes I still do. He went back to the house like nothing happened, i thought he finally woke up and leave the demon inside him. But I was wrong. Because he in the first place, is the demon. He is worse than ever and he kills everyone's positivity around. He's a piece of shit. And I wonder how he can still be so full of himself. We live in a same house but he was never with us.
Sometimes I just wanna kill myself. Maybe if I do he would actually wake up. But I see how hard it is for my mother. It's hard that my wants in life are not even included to my options right now. I have so much frustrations in my life and it feels like when i think about those is like I'm being selfish by the act of considering myself. I was never an option. Not to anyone. I used to think that all my life, I studied and worked for my family and I made things for I don't want to disappoint them. But sometimes I want to have a life too.
I barely talk to my friends. Even to my best friend. I always think that I don't have anyone anymore. I just feel alive when I talk to them. But it barely happens. I really don't have anyone anymore. Because I'm not much of a loveable person. If it's only because of my two best friends, maybe I have lost it long time ago. It is really freaking hard. Sometimes they're too busy and I think that I become too annoying with what I do with my life. But they keep on insisting that they understand. That I have to talk about things. They are the only ones I have in my life. Until we barely talk. Maybe they don't want to disappoint me how much they don't understand what I'm blabbing. And I get so upset when my love ones have their problems and I worry more than to them than I am to myself. It's really hard because I am miles and miles away from them.
For example, one time, my best friend called me and was very upset on how his father molested his nephew and it was heartbreaking. I totally shutdown. How can I assure my best friend that things are going to be okay in their lives when I can't assure mine?
I just don't know. I don't know anymore. I want it to all end. It doesn't matter if it's going to be good. Or bad. I just want it all to end.
Sometimes my best friend told me that I should see a shrink. But I know that'd be a terrible idea because I can handle myself, there are just times that I tend to zone out.
It's really hard because when things get bad and when I become upset, I can't help but to think that I should die. I've done the worst deed my life twice. And I'm very lucky that I'm still here.
I just finished college last March 2014. And for starters, I'm handling our family business at the age of 19 and it is horrible. I always wanted to study Creative Writing but I did pursue a business course because that's how it is supposed to be. I can say that we used to be a wealthy family. Not until my father became an alcoholic. I even suspect him that he uses coke but I don't know because I don't care anymore.
My mother and I are the one to suffer the consequences of what he did. I'm really mad to the point that I just lost all the respects I have for him. He totally abandoned us and left us with millions of debts and we have no idea how to settle things because we are running out of cash. It might be really shallow for you guys but it's really difficult. I still have two sisters who are still studying and they still need their father.
He abandoned us, left the house for like 3 months. Though it's hard because we are earning too little, it was such a relief because he used to hurt us. I really used to wish him dead. Sometimes I still do. He went back to the house like nothing happened, i thought he finally woke up and leave the demon inside him. But I was wrong. Because he in the first place, is the demon. He is worse than ever and he kills everyone's positivity around. He's a piece of shit. And I wonder how he can still be so full of himself. We live in a same house but he was never with us.
Sometimes I just wanna kill myself. Maybe if I do he would actually wake up. But I see how hard it is for my mother. It's hard that my wants in life are not even included to my options right now. I have so much frustrations in my life and it feels like when i think about those is like I'm being selfish by the act of considering myself. I was never an option. Not to anyone. I used to think that all my life, I studied and worked for my family and I made things for I don't want to disappoint them. But sometimes I want to have a life too.
I barely talk to my friends. Even to my best friend. I always think that I don't have anyone anymore. I just feel alive when I talk to them. But it barely happens. I really don't have anyone anymore. Because I'm not much of a loveable person. If it's only because of my two best friends, maybe I have lost it long time ago. It is really freaking hard. Sometimes they're too busy and I think that I become too annoying with what I do with my life. But they keep on insisting that they understand. That I have to talk about things. They are the only ones I have in my life. Until we barely talk. Maybe they don't want to disappoint me how much they don't understand what I'm blabbing. And I get so upset when my love ones have their problems and I worry more than to them than I am to myself. It's really hard because I am miles and miles away from them.
For example, one time, my best friend called me and was very upset on how his father molested his nephew and it was heartbreaking. I totally shutdown. How can I assure my best friend that things are going to be okay in their lives when I can't assure mine?
I just don't know. I don't know anymore. I want it to all end. It doesn't matter if it's going to be good. Or bad. I just want it all to end.
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Just thought I would join this group now that I am a widower. My wife passed away May 28th. She was "The Wind Beneath My Wings". When I met her, I was a drunken, dope smoking, fighting, hell raising biker. She told me if I could get rid of the inner storm within me, that I could be a blessing to people. God placed her in my path to stop me. I have been drug and alcohol free now for 53...
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My husband and I got our foster license last month, after 3 years of hard work (we had to start over multiple times due to family dramas and Mom's open heart surgery). We spent a year preparing the whole house, guest rooms, and children's bathroom for older kids of 7 yr old and up. Then we got a call that we have been approved to receive twin newborn premies. What, what?!! Babies!? Premies?!...
Of course you do. You describe huge, huge problems .. and from your post, .. none your fault.
This is way too massive for me to suggest any solutions, but I want you to remember .. you are not responsible for these circumstances ... but you are responsible for dealing with it. There are other innocents involved, and all victims need to support each other.
One day at a time ... and the 'solution' will eventually arrive. Until you find it, .. arrive at it, .. you can only cope. That in of itself is a 'defense' ... it has taken you this far. Stay in the race ... there are many things that could happen .. to improve the situation.
You say that your sisters need a father. What they need is a good father; the sad thing is that a bad father is worse than no father, but it takes a long time to realize that.
At 19 you should not be shouldering this burden by yourself! Your mother is probably going through the "stay or leave" arguments in her head. Many people here have gone through that, and it is a very VERY hard thing to do. Like you said, you hoped that when he came back it meant that he had defeated his daemons, but then you realized that he was the daemon.
I guess I should have started this out by welcoming you to the group, so ...
Welcome to the group!
There are a lot of good people here who have traveled many different roads. Take some time and get to know people here and odds are that you will find somebody who has walked a very similar path to yours, and my have some very helpful observations about their journey that may help you.
Gentle hugs
1-800-273-8255
Call 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Here is the Link below.
http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
Abandonment is so hard to cope with, harder than we know sometimes. Your father is suppose to teach you security and worthiness, and he is teaching you abandonment and self-judgement. What your dad is doing is not ok. If you ever meet a man who acts like this, run the other way. You don 't have to live like this. Stick with your mom and siblings. Understand that the rest of your life can be totally different if you remember that love, support, and self-importance are very real and possible.
People do stupid things. My father and boyfriend are alcoholics. I have been abandoned by the rest of my family too. I always wonder, "Didn't they know their behaviors would ruin everything?". It's very confusing. The fact of the matter is that he is sick, and is unable to be the person you need him to be. You have done nothing wrong and you still deserve SO MUCH better.
Your job, now, is to Never Settle For Anything Less Than Love And Support And Consistency And A Healthy Relationship. Because, as you grow and become an adult, people will challenge your self respect. It will be your job to teach them your boundaries and how you want to be treated. NEVER, EVER sway from that. People don't know how to treat you until you show them, not the other way around. People do not show you how you should be treated. YOU SHOW THEM.
It's hard to maintain this. But, way easier than letting someone walk all over your self-esteem and self-worth.
That 's what I wish someone would have told me when I was your age.
Good Luck and thank you for sharing. You've, actually helped me a little, today.
I agree with the others, that you should seek some type of counseling if you can. I think this would help you.
I also see you are from the phillipines. I know you are too young to remember WWII but, the Phillipino people suffered greatly at the hands of the Japanese. I have great respect for your people and I want you to know that your people are a proud people. They are strong people and you come from the same bloodlines. Things may see difficult for you at present but, I have faith in you to find a way to continue in life to achieve the very best you can. You have your whole life ahead of you and as you grow older, your opinions of things will change as will your priorities in life. You will see things in different light and perspective. Do not rob yourself of some of the wonderful experiences that life can hold for you.
You have came to the right place and there are some fine people here on this site to help you any way they can.