Thank you so much. It feels like I’ve changed constantly been stuck in step one and not making any progress. I know the light is out there, I see it, but it’s just not enough to make a difference, you know? And every time it starts to get just a little brighter, something happens to dim it down.

We have all been there

Searching, I'm sorry the system is failing you. You definitely ARE sick and you do need help, it's terrible that you're not getting it.

Please remember those feelings--that there's no point to life--aren't the real you. Don't let those ideas consume you. Self hatred is also something that can consume you. Please work on loving yourself, and just have hope. Even if you're not sure what to have hope in, find some reason to keep going.

There are a lot of great people in the world doing great things. They're onto something... they found something beautiful in the world. THAT'S REAL. And you can find it too... I know you can. Please keep searching. Honestly I think people who feel this way, the way we do, feel this way because we care so much. We don't want to be disappointed, so we become hopeless. The fact that you care makes you really special, and strong. Please hang in there <3

I feel the same way "searching for balance." I wake up wishing I never woke up, I wish I was dead everyday. I don't care much about things as much as I used to. I don't always take a lot of precautions when I'm doing things. I'm just basically at the end of my rope. The pain and suffering is just been going on for so long it's like who the fucks wants to keep living like this. This is no kind of life. I've tried therapy, medications, TMS, ECT, meditation, cognitive behavorial therapy, exercise, walks, talks. I don't know what else to do and it seems like my doctors' are running out of ideas also.

Have you tried massage therapy bullseye78? Honestly it can help because you are releasing tension that could be related to past trauma sometimes. Kinda random but I am a massage therapist and I’ve seen it help tons of people with it and it has helped me personally overcome some past trauma.

I hope you can find a program (in or outpatient) or a therapist who will take you seriously! I'm sure you're so frustrated by not being able to get the help you need. My friend's daughter got into an eating disorder program at one of the regular hospitals in the area and had great success. I don't know where you are or what's available but as someone else said it's a real shame the system is failing you!!
I know how you feel about wanting to die but not being suicidal. I feel like that frequently. I haven't been feeling well for almost 6 months and the only Dr who really listened and took me seriously was my Cardiologist. I know how frustrating it is when people don't really listen or take you seriously!!
Keep us posted. Sending hugs!

I’m so glad you reached out and shared your deepest pain. I have found that journaling helps get feelings and emotions out (even if no one reads them except perhaps a therapist). Anger, fear, sadness, hurt, anxiety, whatever comes to mind start writing. Let it flow. Maybe your therapist and you can work on the wounds that your eating disorder and depression feed on. In other words, the heart of the issue. What is the wound from your past that you are trying to cover up and/or control with your eating disorder?

I pray you find that emotional and physical balance you deserve. You do not want to go to inpatient treatment if you can change some things (with help) in your life. I personally know someone there and it’s been a very long process, months and months. In and out constantly. This person was “sick enough” and I’ve seen her struggle so hard. Please don’t give up. You deserve to be happy and healthy and enjoy a productive and fulfilling life. You have to believe it in your heart and mind, then take the actions to follow up on it. God bless you and you are not wasting your therapist’s time. They are there to help. Hang on.

Call the SUICIDE PREVENTION HOTLINE NOW
tel: 1-800-273-8255