You should hold on for you mother and brother. You have not exhausted all medications out there. In the US a lot of people take something called abilify. You say this came on like a wave. Were you feeling well before the wave? Try to remember that you can get back to that feeling again. Call your doctor now.

I was still feel depressed. I didn't make it into day patients today because I was so down. I couldn't face it.
I just can't see the point in telling them anymore. They don't care. I've told the people, my therapist, my treatment team I've been suicidal. They won't do anything. They are too concerned about me becoming 'institutionalised'. So concerned with that they would rather me end up in a wooden box 6ft under than in a hospital. I might as well tell this lovely wall beside me! Either that or just smash my fucking head through it!

This mood you are having is one of your symptoms. All the more reason you should go to day patients. I guess it is too late for today.
I think you misunderstand their remarks about being institutionalized
To be honest, I think it would be best if you were there full time. Is
that an option? What are they doing about your Borderline? Anything at all? It seems to be getting in the way of your treatment.

I have therapy once a week but it's not helping at all.
They wont have me there. They've said they wont. They are discharging me to outpatients in May and want me to start dropping the number of days I'm there. Does that sound like they want to help or are taking me seriously?

I hope you feel better...I was thinking maybe you should draw more when you feel shitty--saw your "Broken Soul" pic. and you have a lot of talent! That pic is sooooo cool!!! HUGS!!!

They may be taking you seriously they said it was just triggering for you right? Making you feel worse. So they are adjusting your treatment to make it work. Not that they dont want to help you. They explained that.

It is hard. Theres no way it cant be. But when you have swings like this it could be for a lot of reasons please call them they havent abandoned you they are still there. Utilize them for all they can be.

Remember who you are in this fight for not the doctors yourself your life your friends your family but YOU most importantly because YOU are worth all of this struggle. Your life is worth it in the end.

Step downs / potential step downs in treatment are HARD adjustments I know! When I was in the EDU partial hospitalization portion my insurance cut me off so I had to be outpatient. The doctors looked me in the face and couldnt tell me I was ready or they had any confidence in me but I had to do it and survive and somehow not use ANY behaviors anyway. It was unfair and unjust but it was what was and it was doable in the end.

Now YOU are lucky in that aspect your doctors have the confidence that you can handle this otherwise they wouldnt be doing it - they are handling it for a reason there is no third party there forcing you and if it doesnt work they will easily take you back in this situation but they are doing what they believe is healthiest for you and you still have them there as a SUPPORT system. The support might not be the same as before when your in outpatient but it IS support. UTILIZE it.

They ARE taking you seriously. Just remember WHO this fight is for and keep pushing.

If these thoughts dont go away dont hesitate to call them for help - theyre there for you.

Im with STve G, cool as have you thought of tattooing ?

I've tried to do art before but I just find I hate myself even more because I can't do it well enough.

I still want to die. But tonight I'm a lot calmer about it. It's not my time yet but i'm sure it will come soon enough.

Try doing art just to express without any comparison to other people or views of what you think the perfect art would be.

Did you do that pic ?

Which pic?

Someone mentioned the medication Abilify,..I am on that medication,..and it has saved my life,..I also had thoughts of suicide,.non-stop,..I couldn't get rid of them no matter what I tried,...and I really suffered,..they were unrelenting thoughts,..day and night,..
Abilify is the only medication that works for me,...perhaps it's worth a try for you,....I wish you luck,........

I want to cry... so much. Still can't. I don't know what to do with myself. I'm crawling in my own skin. I want out!