Its been over 5 months... almost 6... since he ripped my heart to shreds. I thought it would be easier over time but it hasn't been. It's been harder and harder every day and I don't know what to do anymore. I thought that cutting him out by blocking his email and facebook and not giving him my new phone number would help me forget about him. I thought that it was because I was still talking to him that I couldn't get over it. But now it's been probably about 3 months since we've spoken a word to one another and it hurts even more. I still remember the last conversation we had before I finally had enough and cut him out. It still runs through my mind every day, and I regret everything I said to him that day. He had taken a bunch of pills and drank a lot the night before. He texted me, I was worried, and so I called him. I tried to convince him to go to a hospital, because sometimes it can take days before someone dies from that sort of thing. But he wouldn't go. He said he didn't care anymore whether he lived or died. He said he couldn't deal with the pain of "knowing" that everyone he cared about is lying to him and out to get him (which is not true, but this is what he believed and what drove him to break up with me... he was paranoid out of no where and thought that me, his best friend who was our roommate, and my brother were all trying to ruin his life...) and he didn't care to live anymore. I tried for a long time on the phone to convince him that we love him and we care and all we want is to have him back in our lives the way he was before. He didn't believe me. As the conversation went on I got more and more frustrated, and it boiled into anger. I was crying my heart out. Finally, all the frustration boiled over and I said something that I will regret for the rest of my life. I said "well next time you decide you want to kill yourself, don't call me. I don't want to know because if I don't know I don't have to feel guilty like I do now. Bye" and I hung up. This is after I told him he was "f*cking crazy" and needs to be hospitalized. I screamed at him, I pleaded with him, I cried, I begged... nothing could convince him that he is wrong and that no one is trying to hurt him. I still feel guilty every time I think about that last conversation and how I ended it. I wonder if that last comment cemented his belief that I don't care about him. I hope not. I still miss him like crazy. Even after all the sh*t he put me through. Even after all the pain, all the accusations, the blackmail... I still love him with every ounce of my being and would do anything just to sleep beside him for one more night. He's the love of my life and I don't think I will ever replace him.
I try to tell myself that I don't need him. I'm just fine on my own. But it's not true. I was fine on my own until I met him. Now I just feel lonely. I can't stand it. I love him so much and if there was some way to convince him of that I would do it in a heartbeat. I'd forgive him in a heartbeat for all the pain he's caused me if it meant we could be together again. I make myself sick.
I feel like I can't talk about it with anyone. I can't talk about it with the other guys involved (my brother and his best friend aka mine and my bro's roommate) because as far as they are concerned he's completely nuts and I just know they would tell me that I just have to get over it and I better not start talking to him again because that would be stupid and I would just get hurt again. They'd probably be right. I can't talk to any of my girl friends because they all just say the same thing that I am so bloody tired of hearing - "you'll meet someone new." I don't want to meet someone new! And I don't want to just get over it! I mean, if I could I would... but it's damn near impossible. I've tried. I've tried like crazy to get over it, to push him out of my mine. I've tried to be attracted to other guys, but I can't when I have to compare them all to him. I can't get myself to start dating other guys because I don't think it is fair on them when I know myself that they don't mean a thing to me and they are nothing more than a rebound attempt to lull the pain of my loneliness without him. It doesn't feel right to do that. And I can't just "get over it." How does someone just "get over" the best thing that had ever happened to them? How does someone just get over someone who was perfect for them, who meant the world to them, who was their other half that they never even knew they were missing before they had it?
I'm going insane. I can't take it anymore. I just want to be over this. Why is it so f*cking hard?!