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I Really Tried

red47640
red47640

yesterday at work was a big fucking joke... I feel like everything I'd worked so hard for has been undone. I'd really been working on keeping a lid on my emotions when I'm there, and yesterday I just snapped. We got slammed with work and a coworker yelled at me for something I didn't even do, which pissed me off like you can't imagine. I had to make a compound prescription and I think I did a terrible job. It took longer than it should have, although one of my other coworkers told me she thought it was because one of the components I was using seems a little off, it's less viscous than previous batches and she thinks that screwed with my compound a bit. Either way, I don't think I did a very good job making it. I feel like everyone there thinks I'm stupid and useless. I'm wondering if pharmacy is even the right place for me. I'm always tired and I feel really burnt out. I think all this contributed to what happened last night-- suddenly, I broke down. I was so overstimulated I was shaking, I couldn't think straight, and I had the odd sensation of flashing lights. Either way, I just began sobbing. I was barely able to complete my tasks, but I managed to pull myself together enough to get them done because everyone else had left except for one other tech, and we were still getting slammed with phone calls and scripts. Then the other tech there (who is more of a head case than I am, if you can believe it) tried getting in my space and forcing me to hug her. I nicely told her that's okay but that I would be fine, and thanked her for all her help. Me not wanting to hug her apparently pissed her off for the rest of the evening. I tried. I really did. I'd been doing such a good job of regulating my emotions at work, and it's all for nothing. I feel horrible about it. I don't want to go back in to work on Tuesday.

shadowlady
shadowlady
I'm sorry you had a bad day at work. Have you ever seen flashing lights before when you're upset? Did you have a bad headache? Flashing lights are a symptom of migraines sometimes. Just try to put that bad day behind you. What's past is past. Pharmaceuticals has to be a stressful line of work. God bless.
red47640
red47640
Thank you shadowlady. The weird thing is my head didn't hurt at all. No headache whatsoever. I think it may have been just overload or overstimulation of some kind. I'd never experienced that before.
peterthegreat
peterthegreat
Working with people is the hardest. You might like to talk to a threapist or psychologist. You can make a short vist to an online threapist. They charge by mintues.
red47640
red47640
Thanks Jeane... I'm sorry to hear about your daughter. I hope I don't develop migraines. It's been stressful there lately, we've acquired a few new facilities and we've lost some techs. Thanks for the advice :-) peterthegreat-- I already see a therapist.
sonnycamehome
sonnycamehome
Ugh. That sounds like a really rough day, and the last thing you needed was a co-worker in your personal space trying to force contact. You did a great job maintaining your boundaries in that situation, and that's something to be proud of. I'm hoping you feel a bit better today and that things get easier for you soon.
red47640
red47640
Thank you Jeane, but the reality of the situation is that jobs in goddamn Colorado are very difficult to get. Plus the cost of living is disgraceful. I feel fortunate to a) have a job at all and b) have a job that pays me enough to get by. I have no husband or family out here that could help me if I were fired or quit. I'd be homeless. That's how it is. Thank you sonny, I appreciate the positive feedback. Like I said, I really tried to deal with everything. The truth is, I need to get my PTO approved. Really, really badly.
red47640
red47640
PTO just means Paid Time Off. I know Colorado has legalized marijuana. Aside from the fact that I don't like 420-friendly people (because the ones I've met have been assholes), I cannot afford to lose my job over failing a drug test.
TotalRegret
TotalRegret
Hi Red. I understand the health issues caused by the stress of a toxic environment and I also understand the need to stay in the job to pay the bills and keep a roof over your head! I would encourage you to try and identify what options you have available in order to make some kind of exit strategy, only because it's important to be able to 'see' an alternative future. If you don't, at some point, it all catches up with you and takes its toll.

You do have choices, maybe not particularly good ones at the moment, but you can change that. Always remember that you have choices; don't surrender your power to your circumstance. I hope things improve for you at work!! TR
red47640
red47640
Thanks TR, and yes, I agree with you 100% that there is always a choice, even if it may not be the most ideal option. I have a great deal of trouble unwinding after work, to the point where, on Sunday when I'm not working, I'm almost flat on my back. I literally need a full day to recharge before I can see my boyfriend on Monday and then return to work on Tuesday. I'm strongly considering discussing what happened on Saturday with my supervisor. I just don't know what to say or what it is I want to get from telling her.
fredrica
fredrica
It sounds like you had a really tough day. While some jobs are more stressful than others, I think that most jobs have their own level of stress and then when you add the mix of working with people with their own baggage, personalities, and issues, it can be very challenging. I encourage you to discuss this with your therapist because just processing the feelings at a deeper level can be helpful. Your therapist may also be able to give you some strategies to use at work and at home to help alleviate the stress in the moment and afterward. It's wonderful that you were able to regroup well enough to finish out the evening at work and be able to also set boundaries with your coworker. I trust that you went back to work in a better place and I pray that you will continue to persevere.
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