Depression Support Group
Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.
I need to be honest about some things.
There are a lot of things that people believe about me - on DS and IRL - that simply aren't true. Things that I actively encourage them to believe. I do such a good job of lying to everyone that most of the time I believe these things myself. I'm the biggest fucking impostor you're ever gonna meet.
Everyone who knows me thinks I am a really good student. They think I work really hard for my grades. And I tell them I do. The truth is, I'm lucky. I half-ass all the time and manage to pull decent grades. They think I spend hours a day working on papers and studying.. but the reality is I spend those hours fucking around between FB, DS, and stumbling random websites. I used to work really hard, and that was when I was still getting A's and A+'s across the board. I lie to everyone and tell them that the reason my grades have slipped over the past year is because first I was working and now I use my broken wrist as an excuse. You want the truth? I'm fucking lazy. I don't care about school anymore. I want to care.. but I don't. I've been trying for two fucking semesters now to become the great student I actually used to be, but I can't do it... so I lie to everyone. I tell them it's harder now.. that's why I'm not still pulling the highest grades in the class.
Everyone thinks I'm smart. I'm not. I'm just good at pretending to be. Half the time I'm just talking out my ass, but they hang on to every word like I'm some kind of fucking genius. In class.. with friends.. everywhere I go, I talk like I know things, but the reality is I'm just damn good at talking.
Everyone thinks I care immensely about other people. And I do care.. but no more than anyone else. I still care more about myself than anyone else. In fact, the only real reason I care about anyone is because I want everyone to look at me and think "wow she is such a wonderful person!" I confuse myself. I don't know whether I actually care about other people or not. I have no idea.
Everything I do and say I do and say for the image. I'm always pretending. I have no idea who the real me is. I'm not sure there even is such a thing as the "real" me. I'm so bloody fake all the time I've got nothing real left.
And I want to say sorry and I want to apologise and I want to stop being fake all the time and I want to be myself and stop lying all the time but I can't because my entire life and my entire being is lies lies lies! How can I stop being fake and start being real when there is nothing real about me?
I convince myself all the time that I'm candid. And most of the time I buy it - just like everyone else does. But it's at these times when it all catches up with me and I can't put away the guilt and I can't ignore the harsh reality of what and who I've become that I realize I've been kidding myself and it tears me to pieces and I hate myself for it. I try to be real.. I try really fucking hard... but every time I think I've discovered the real me she turns out to be a fucking phony. Every time.
So who the hell am I?
I have no idea.
But if I ever try to tell you who I really am... don't buy that shit. I'm lying right through my fucking teeth.
There are a lot of things that people believe about me - on DS and IRL - that simply aren't true. Things that I actively encourage them to believe. I do such a good job of lying to everyone that most of the time I believe these things myself. I'm the biggest fucking impostor you're ever gonna meet.
Everyone who knows me thinks I am a really good student. They think I work really hard for my grades. And I tell them I do. The truth is, I'm lucky. I half-ass all the time and manage to pull decent grades. They think I spend hours a day working on papers and studying.. but the reality is I spend those hours fucking around between FB, DS, and stumbling random websites. I used to work really hard, and that was when I was still getting A's and A+'s across the board. I lie to everyone and tell them that the reason my grades have slipped over the past year is because first I was working and now I use my broken wrist as an excuse. You want the truth? I'm fucking lazy. I don't care about school anymore. I want to care.. but I don't. I've been trying for two fucking semesters now to become the great student I actually used to be, but I can't do it... so I lie to everyone. I tell them it's harder now.. that's why I'm not still pulling the highest grades in the class.
Everyone thinks I'm smart. I'm not. I'm just good at pretending to be. Half the time I'm just talking out my ass, but they hang on to every word like I'm some kind of fucking genius. In class.. with friends.. everywhere I go, I talk like I know things, but the reality is I'm just damn good at talking.
Everyone thinks I care immensely about other people. And I do care.. but no more than anyone else. I still care more about myself than anyone else. In fact, the only real reason I care about anyone is because I want everyone to look at me and think "wow she is such a wonderful person!" I confuse myself. I don't know whether I actually care about other people or not. I have no idea.
Everything I do and say I do and say for the image. I'm always pretending. I have no idea who the real me is. I'm not sure there even is such a thing as the "real" me. I'm so bloody fake all the time I've got nothing real left.
And I want to say sorry and I want to apologise and I want to stop being fake all the time and I want to be myself and stop lying all the time but I can't because my entire life and my entire being is lies lies lies! How can I stop being fake and start being real when there is nothing real about me?
I convince myself all the time that I'm candid. And most of the time I buy it - just like everyone else does. But it's at these times when it all catches up with me and I can't put away the guilt and I can't ignore the harsh reality of what and who I've become that I realize I've been kidding myself and it tears me to pieces and I hate myself for it. I try to be real.. I try really fucking hard... but every time I think I've discovered the real me she turns out to be a fucking phony. Every time.
So who the hell am I?
I have no idea.
But if I ever try to tell you who I really am... don't buy that shit. I'm lying right through my fucking teeth.
You're what...23? At 23 I had no idea who the hell I was. "Is this the REAL me? Am I just putting up a front? How do I know if this is me or just one of my masks?"
Drove myself nuts in a hand held receptacle. The fact is, as kriskris said, it takes a lifetime to figure out who you are. I'm 50 and I'm still learning about myself. I used to beat myself up too, thinking I was a fake, that I was deceiving people so they'd like me and give me stuff ;).
What a crock. It's our experiences and how we learn to handle life, how we learn to relate to others as our lives go on, that determines "who we are". I'm not the same person I was at 23...I won't be the same person in 5 years that I am now.
Cut yourself some slack, sweetie. Nobody is marking you on this but you.
Nyah.
In examining yourself, you are apparently hyperimpressed by its negatives .. and hence this post.
It could be everything you express is true, but it is not the whole story .. only the negative .. and it is the negative you are most impressed by.
While YOU can say all these negative things, .. who will also say the positive things? As the positives balace the negatives, we come up with neither a good or bad siutation ... simply a situation. Guilt comes only from seeing the negatives. There is no need for guilt.
The point is, whatever we do, we rationalize at the time that it is the right thing to do. The person who needs to do this or that but doesn't has his reasons for not doing it. The 500 pound man has his reasons for being 500 pounds. We are not talking about right and wrong here. We are talking about human behavior.
When the 500 pound man has a greater reason to lose weight than to keep it, he will lose the weight. As you have examined your 'self', you have made note of some negatives and (presumably) they give you reason to change yourself. That they are reason enough, you will make the change(s). Some call this growth.
You are in what is known as a 'personal growth' process .. and there is nothing to worry about but more importantly, there is nothing to feel guilt over. Up to now, your behavior made sense and it worked for you. Nothing stays the same and you have arrived at a new perspective, one that .. in your mind, calls for changes. Upsetting ... maybe .. but quite normal in fact.
Growth occurs often in life. The whole idea is to grow. That is what is happening for you and it is very natural. Be what you want to be .. and expect it to change over time. Life works that way.
It's called 'ABSOLUTELY NORMAL'
Hugs
Niki
my Face book status " don't disturb doing assignments ha-ha" it should say "I'm a liar i hate assignments and i would rather be on dole than do this work i cannot be arsed with the 6am wake ups and 6pm sometimes i frankly couldn't give a shit about getting a levels ffs"
Good post it's better to get it out in the open and your not a attention whore. If you want to talk i'm here for you frankly i feel the same about the studying bit my mum wants me to get this and that but i find it difficult.
Well Said!!!!!
Had some good conversations last night.. between those and these replies I really do feel a lot better. Still struggling.. but welcome to being a nutcase, amirite?
join the club.
I'm convinced there are thousands who are just like you. Don't have or don't know their personality, so they make one up. Not sure what the resolving of it would entail.....besides taking a bunch of personality tests and evaluations.....
{{{{hugs}}}}