Depression Support Group
Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.
I need to be honest about some things.
There are a lot of things that people believe about me - on DS and IRL - that simply aren't true. Things that I actively encourage them to believe. I do such a good job of lying to everyone that most of the time I believe these things myself. I'm the biggest fucking impostor you're ever gonna meet.
Everyone who knows me thinks I am a really good student. They think I work really hard for my grades. And I tell them I do. The truth is, I'm lucky. I half-ass all the time and manage to pull decent grades. They think I spend hours a day working on papers and studying.. but the reality is I spend those hours fucking around between FB, DS, and stumbling random websites. I used to work really hard, and that was when I was still getting A's and A+'s across the board. I lie to everyone and tell them that the reason my grades have slipped over the past year is because first I was working and now I use my broken wrist as an excuse. You want the truth? I'm fucking lazy. I don't care about school anymore. I want to care.. but I don't. I've been trying for two fucking semesters now to become the great student I actually used to be, but I can't do it... so I lie to everyone. I tell them it's harder now.. that's why I'm not still pulling the highest grades in the class.
Everyone thinks I'm smart. I'm not. I'm just good at pretending to be. Half the time I'm just talking out my ass, but they hang on to every word like I'm some kind of fucking genius. In class.. with friends.. everywhere I go, I talk like I know things, but the reality is I'm just damn good at talking.
Everyone thinks I care immensely about other people. And I do care.. but no more than anyone else. I still care more about myself than anyone else. In fact, the only real reason I care about anyone is because I want everyone to look at me and think "wow she is such a wonderful person!" I confuse myself. I don't know whether I actually care about other people or not. I have no idea.
Everything I do and say I do and say for the image. I'm always pretending. I have no idea who the real me is. I'm not sure there even is such a thing as the "real" me. I'm so bloody fake all the time I've got nothing real left.
And I want to say sorry and I want to apologise and I want to stop being fake all the time and I want to be myself and stop lying all the time but I can't because my entire life and my entire being is lies lies lies! How can I stop being fake and start being real when there is nothing real about me?
I convince myself all the time that I'm candid. And most of the time I buy it - just like everyone else does. But it's at these times when it all catches up with me and I can't put away the guilt and I can't ignore the harsh reality of what and who I've become that I realize I've been kidding myself and it tears me to pieces and I hate myself for it. I try to be real.. I try really fucking hard... but every time I think I've discovered the real me she turns out to be a fucking phony. Every time.
So who the hell am I?
I have no idea.
But if I ever try to tell you who I really am... don't buy that shit. I'm lying right through my fucking teeth.
There are a lot of things that people believe about me - on DS and IRL - that simply aren't true. Things that I actively encourage them to believe. I do such a good job of lying to everyone that most of the time I believe these things myself. I'm the biggest fucking impostor you're ever gonna meet.
Everyone who knows me thinks I am a really good student. They think I work really hard for my grades. And I tell them I do. The truth is, I'm lucky. I half-ass all the time and manage to pull decent grades. They think I spend hours a day working on papers and studying.. but the reality is I spend those hours fucking around between FB, DS, and stumbling random websites. I used to work really hard, and that was when I was still getting A's and A+'s across the board. I lie to everyone and tell them that the reason my grades have slipped over the past year is because first I was working and now I use my broken wrist as an excuse. You want the truth? I'm fucking lazy. I don't care about school anymore. I want to care.. but I don't. I've been trying for two fucking semesters now to become the great student I actually used to be, but I can't do it... so I lie to everyone. I tell them it's harder now.. that's why I'm not still pulling the highest grades in the class.
Everyone thinks I'm smart. I'm not. I'm just good at pretending to be. Half the time I'm just talking out my ass, but they hang on to every word like I'm some kind of fucking genius. In class.. with friends.. everywhere I go, I talk like I know things, but the reality is I'm just damn good at talking.
Everyone thinks I care immensely about other people. And I do care.. but no more than anyone else. I still care more about myself than anyone else. In fact, the only real reason I care about anyone is because I want everyone to look at me and think "wow she is such a wonderful person!" I confuse myself. I don't know whether I actually care about other people or not. I have no idea.
Everything I do and say I do and say for the image. I'm always pretending. I have no idea who the real me is. I'm not sure there even is such a thing as the "real" me. I'm so bloody fake all the time I've got nothing real left.
And I want to say sorry and I want to apologise and I want to stop being fake all the time and I want to be myself and stop lying all the time but I can't because my entire life and my entire being is lies lies lies! How can I stop being fake and start being real when there is nothing real about me?
I convince myself all the time that I'm candid. And most of the time I buy it - just like everyone else does. But it's at these times when it all catches up with me and I can't put away the guilt and I can't ignore the harsh reality of what and who I've become that I realize I've been kidding myself and it tears me to pieces and I hate myself for it. I try to be real.. I try really fucking hard... but every time I think I've discovered the real me she turns out to be a fucking phony. Every time.
So who the hell am I?
I have no idea.
But if I ever try to tell you who I really am... don't buy that shit. I'm lying right through my fucking teeth.
Sounds like you want to change something. I think this was more for you to hear yourself, than for us to hear it.
Happy to listen. You heard it too, .. right?
the worst part is that one of the things that my friends and family value most about me is how "real" i am all the time.... but it's just another one of those lies i actively push on them because i want them to believe that. because i like people who are real.. who are true to themselves.. so i wanna be that... so i act like that...
Seriously, I struggle with this a lot. What I have come to understand is just that we are more introspective than most people in the world. You and I don't just do what our hearts and minds tell us to do; the ridiculous brain in ours skulls wants to meta-analyze every damn thing, and it's enough to make anyone crazy.
Half of my posts, I'm worried that I'm just being an attention whore. What can I say? I like attention. I wish everyone paid attention to me all the time. That doesn't take away from the face that I am hurting, and I also need human compassion and understanding in an entirely non-attention-craving way.
And you know what, the fact that you wrote this--questioning your motives all the time, I'm *positive*--shows that you are a genuine person.
P.S. I didn't study much for any class until my 3rd year of college. Which is why my grades also slipped around then. You are not alone. It sucks to be an overachiever because A) People get jealous, and B) They still expect you to continue achieving! As someone pointed out earlier: damned if you do, damned if you don't.
I don't really know how to address your feelings, since I haven't figured out how to address my own, but I wanted to let you know that you are not alone.
it takes a lifetime to achieve this.
i admire you for posting this....really.
at 35 i am finding bits of "ME". give it time. honesty is the key though. one day you will not feel the need to tell tales. plain and simple :)
we tell ourselves.
i kinda feel like one right now, tbh....
like i'm just making this shit up because i'm bored
i used to feel like i got good grades because *I* wanted them... but now i only do it because everyone else wants to keep believing in how awesome i am... and i want them to keep buying into it too
even on DS half the time when i reply to a post i'm only doing it because i want everyone to read it and think "oh my that sboom is sooo insightful! she's so bright for her age!" bla bla bla
i use you guys and it's not fair.
and i use everyone in my real life too.
i use you as pawns in the little movie i call my life where i get to be whoever i can convince you i am
If I had your dedication, I would have people telling me to get off my ass and do everything that is due tomorrow: read and summarize a paper, study my class notes, and listen to my online lecture. Oh, well . . .
"The Shadow"
She loves to lie, distort and cheat
She wants power
Yet craves defeat
She wants love, for only her self
She brings hatred
To everyone else
She builds a facade, living in lies
She wants her life
And cares not who dies
She disguises herself as a servant and scholar
She preaches peace
But wreaks disorder
She'll gouge out your eyes
She'll cut out your tongue
If you ever so much
As tell her she's wrong
She'll pervade your mind
She'll manipulate your views
She'll convince you she cares
So she can control you
She'll make you love her
She'll demand your respect
She'll feast on your heart
Till there's no lifeblood left
Do not be fooled
By this girl that you see
That angel, that scholar
She's nothing like me
Look into the shadow
Fear what you find
Therein lies a demon
My sick, twisted mind
- October 2007
I was upset when my undergraduate psychology professor stated that we never love anyone: we only love the feeling that we have with are associated with that person. What a crock of shit. You can't take logic to human emotions on that level, or we would all think ourselves happy and this group would disappear.
You are my friend, and I am happy for the support you give me. I am your friend, and I presume that you are happy for the support I give you. That's called friendship. It doesn't need to be analyzed more than that. It's like applying quantum mechanics to the macromolecular state--you just can't do it.
(Yeah, that's right: I went there. I'm a science nerd.)
But I'm not sure whether I care about you - or anyone else for that matter - or not. A really big part of me thinks I don't. I don't care about you. I just care about what you think of me.
Most of the time I feel like I actually care. A lot of the time when someone I suppose myself to care about is hurting I feel like it hurts me too.. but when I go to help them.. when I extend my hand to them.. I'm not thinking about their hurt .. I'm thinking about my own. And I'm thinking about how it will reflect on me... I'm thinking "when I give this person this heartfelt piece of advice everyone is going to think I'm so [insert superlative here]"
I want to care and I hope I really do care and most of the time I think I do care.. but I dunno
I have no idea how to explain this
your reply was funny!