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It's official. I'm a fucking tool. One again I fell for my ex's self-pitying bull shit. That "apology" message he sent me the other day, again turned out to be insincere and nothing more than another attempt to make me feel guilty and like a shitty person because he is so comfortable in his self-pitying psychomasochistic lifestyle that he feels the need to continue to drag me back into it all and forcing me to feed his twisted fetishes.
For those who don't know what I am talking about please see this thread:
http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Depression/forum/8580379-ex-just-msgd-me
I should have known this was just another trap to drag me back into his bull shit. But I fall for it every time. This time I thought it was different, because this time the original message contained no accusations and looked like a genuine, sincere, heartfelt apology. Because it had been sooo long it was believable that he had finally gotten the help he needed and because the apology seemed to (the way I read it) imply that he accepted that I never did anything to hurt him and that it was his delusions that caused all the pain between the two of us, I thought that I should message him back and let him know that I'm okay with everything and I think we should both move on.
Here is what he just sent back to me:
Dont get the wrong impression. I dont believe for a second that there is a lot of shit that everyone seems to know but no one has told me. But I do realize i made some pretty major mistakes and thats why i apologized.
I cant deal with this shit anymore. I cant deal with always wondering what my co workers or friends know that I do not. I cant deal with thinking about killing myself on a day to day basis for over a year. I have to move on and the only way I know how is to leave everything and everybody behind. But before I did that I had to apologize for my part in all this.
I have tried to apologize so many fucking times only to have it slapped in my face everytime. I have tried to meet you halfway so many fucking times. Have you ever once tried to understand my side of things or apologize for your part in this or meet me halfway or confront me about anything. I understand your side in all this and still dont understand any of this.
I didnt expect a response from my message. It was just an apology because I do feel guilty about what happened and I had to apologize before I moved on with my life. that was my only intention.
My intention for this one is to tell you i dont appreciate you insulting my intelligence to continue to lie about this. That I am moving on. That I just dont understand any of this. I just want to make my intentions crystal clear because i know you over analyze everything just like I do. There are no ulterior motives to any of this.
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Now I feel like a total idiot for even thinking he might be better. I should have known, if the past was any indicator, that he'll never get better because he clearly doesn't want to get better.
I've replied telling him exactly what I think of his latest attempt to get inside my head, followed up by me blocking him on facebook and email. He doesn't have my phone number or address.. so this should be the end of it. This time I will NOT unblock him. This time I really do mean it when I say I have no desire to ever hear from him again. I'm done with all this. I'm done with feeling like a fucking naive little girl.
For those who don't know what I am talking about please see this thread:
http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Depression/forum/8580379-ex-just-msgd-me
I should have known this was just another trap to drag me back into his bull shit. But I fall for it every time. This time I thought it was different, because this time the original message contained no accusations and looked like a genuine, sincere, heartfelt apology. Because it had been sooo long it was believable that he had finally gotten the help he needed and because the apology seemed to (the way I read it) imply that he accepted that I never did anything to hurt him and that it was his delusions that caused all the pain between the two of us, I thought that I should message him back and let him know that I'm okay with everything and I think we should both move on.
Here is what he just sent back to me:
Dont get the wrong impression. I dont believe for a second that there is a lot of shit that everyone seems to know but no one has told me. But I do realize i made some pretty major mistakes and thats why i apologized.
I cant deal with this shit anymore. I cant deal with always wondering what my co workers or friends know that I do not. I cant deal with thinking about killing myself on a day to day basis for over a year. I have to move on and the only way I know how is to leave everything and everybody behind. But before I did that I had to apologize for my part in all this.
I have tried to apologize so many fucking times only to have it slapped in my face everytime. I have tried to meet you halfway so many fucking times. Have you ever once tried to understand my side of things or apologize for your part in this or meet me halfway or confront me about anything. I understand your side in all this and still dont understand any of this.
I didnt expect a response from my message. It was just an apology because I do feel guilty about what happened and I had to apologize before I moved on with my life. that was my only intention.
My intention for this one is to tell you i dont appreciate you insulting my intelligence to continue to lie about this. That I am moving on. That I just dont understand any of this. I just want to make my intentions crystal clear because i know you over analyze everything just like I do. There are no ulterior motives to any of this.
----------------------------------------------------
Now I feel like a total idiot for even thinking he might be better. I should have known, if the past was any indicator, that he'll never get better because he clearly doesn't want to get better.
I've replied telling him exactly what I think of his latest attempt to get inside my head, followed up by me blocking him on facebook and email. He doesn't have my phone number or address.. so this should be the end of it. This time I will NOT unblock him. This time I really do mean it when I say I have no desire to ever hear from him again. I'm done with all this. I'm done with feeling like a fucking naive little girl.
It feels, and this is total guess work on my part, that his original message to you was nothing but a test. A test to see whether or not he could provoke any response from you. To see if he had any degree of effect on you. Male ego? Regardless of what you said in the reply, it was a response. That was all he needed. And because you weren't professing your love for him, he twisted it round to cover his own pride to say that he wasn't expecting that anyway and that ultimately he couldn't really care less what you thought because he 'wasn't expecting' a reply (bullshit).
Unfortunately for him, he will now find out how he has lost influence over you when (and he WILL) he contacts you again........or tries to. Only then will he realize what a massive error of judgment that second response was.
Mind games.
Good luck to you hon {{{{{{{{Hugs}}}}}}}
I can't believe I actually let myself start believing he's gotten better. He doesn't want to get better and I should have realized that by now. The signs are crystal clear.
God I am fucking livid right now...
He's likely feeling pretty smug right now after his arsey reply. But once he's found he's hammered the nail in your emotional coffin for him he will end up pretty broken up.
Stick to your guns because your heart is being taken advantage of. He's HAD IT now!
And this was a GOOD thing, because you KNOW now. Had you done nothing you may have questioned yourself indefinitely. There are no more questions to be asked. You made the effort and he threw it back in your face. He's done for in your life and you can consign him to the history books forever.
He might try to contact you by using a different name or using a third party, please beware and don't let your guard down. A lot of HUGS