Depression Support Group
Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.
I feel really dead inside. Although I have periods of time where I cry, I don't have any emotional relief from it - it's just my body needing to expell the mental stress in some way. I am completely aware of everything that is happening around me and I am encountering huge stresses all at once and my reaction is completely dead. Right now, I could walk out my door and keep walking and leave everything I own (which isn't much) behind. I feel like I could literally just wander the streets aimlessly and just perform basic functions of survival because the thing is - I'm not trying to die. I don't think I want to be dead. I want to have more in life but I have no desire to live - even simple thngs like finding a place to live, meeting new people - I've tried and tried and tried and tried and I just don't think people understand that when you constantly encounter huge life stresses, you need a period of time to heal from it. But if those stresses never stop they just make the wound larger and more infected but people's expectations remain the same.
I have absolutely no one to talk to and those I've attempted to talk to are not active listeners. I've tried going to doctors but no matter how much I work on my mental health it does not stop the onslaught of what life is handing me. I'm not prepared and I don't know what to do! As soon as I make any personal breakthrough, something else has fallen onto my plate because I was never prepared to live a fully independent life after so much trauma. But I had no safety net. I have no "come stay with me for a bit". No one has ever offered to let me stay with them. Even if I paid rent, they've never offered. That really, really hurts because most of the people I know do have that luxury. In fact, they have a lot of luxuries I don't have and it's not just material items - it's that their parents are alive, supportive, took care of them and created them to be independent humans and I never got that.
I think it's really asinine to put myself on medication when my environment and external factors cause so much of my pain. It's like giving a mentally healthy homeless person an anti depressant because they're sad about the fact they're homeless. How is that right? So much of my feelings are totally relative and rational feelings and emotions and turmoils any person would have had they faced the same amount of conflict as I have in my circumstances. So yes, I do feel depression and despair but those are feelings that should occur - if I was happy and joyful about my everyday experience which is an absolute struggle laced in poverty and PTSD. And yes, that is something I could look at being medicated but I could also just talk through these memories and emotions over a period of time but I have to pay for someone to give me even one hour of space to speak about it to another attentive human being. That's if, of course, I am booked for an appointment that occurs within even six month of the original reason I sought them out. My other option is to numb and ignore these feelings with medication while attempting to live a "normal" life plagued in outright isolation.
Honestly, I think it's sad that this is even where I'm at right now. Typing all of this out on a forum where most people won't understand where I'm actually coming from and will likely respond with canned advice that may or may not even apply to my problems. Absolutely nothing is worth trying or doing and I am just existing. I even did what I "should" do today - ran errands, cleaned, showered, ate, saw a "friend" and although I accomplished these tasks I am not even here.
I am literally so alone in life that if I died, it could take possibly days for someone to even notice.
My "boyfriend" finally left for his "vacation" for three months as he "works on himself" staying at his parents cottage and at this current moment in time where I am in the midst of medical issues and unstable shelter it is possibly the absolute worst thing I could possibly have to be a peripherial part of. Of course, if I completely ignore him I have cut out the ONLY person who could ever help me in an emergency and with recent medical problems I've realized that's fairly important to my actual survival - if I am working on the act of surviving.
My quality of life is so low that the mere acts of "taking a walk", "doing some yoga" or "drinking some tea" does nothing. I need actual active help and resources which are just not available to me at all. I am not a drug addict, I am not a survivor of domestic abuse, I have no children - once again I am completely slipping through the cracks and people tell me I'm not "trying hard enough". This is literally my absolute most trying to stay alive that I am possibly capable of bringing forth from the depths of my soul. And it's not enough. I need a full time, good paying job but I am incapable currently of working one because I am mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted. Instead I find myself having to take accomidations that are usually shared with someone else and the someone else is almost always extremely questionable as the latest one is an actual cokehead and all I did was simply answer an available ad in a desirable location that was reasonably affordable for my budget. But because I'm not working harder and doing better, I am stuck with these options which put me in really shitty situations that make even my safety questionable, I have little to no privacy and I cannot even use the kitchen so I live on take out which diminishes what little money I have left over. The quality of the living space quickly spiraled and although it's a "blessing in disguise" to have to vacate - it's the 12th time I've moved in ten years, the second time in nine months, the third time in a year.
Many of which were simply because I answered an ad in my price range because I can't work harder and do better and not live in slums. But on top of this I am also expected to go to school so I can get that degree to get the higher paying job but I don't know if one understands the emotional and mental toll it takes on a person to live as a derelict but also participate as a high functioning person in secondary education. Not to mention the actual expense of it, which would only be partially covered through loans because I am neither married nor have a child so I am expected to work almost full time hours on top of a full time course load in order to be able to survive beyond the means of near homelessness still. Am I making excuses? I'm fucking tired! I've been beaten and I have no desire to keep going at all! Literally no one but strangers on the internet will tell me to keep going, that I'll make it through etc and that's not a great life!
At least when I wanted to die I actually wanted something. Now I want nothing. I'm a coward to die so I just exist and exist and there's people in my life who literally do not care if I ended up on the streets because to them I didn't work hard enough. How do I keep going? God isn't here! Prayer doesn't work! I never belonged here in the first place, really and now I'm 28 years into it and it's like a social experiement gone horribly wrong.
Thanks for your reply. I'd like to begin by saying I'm sorry that we are able to relate to each other so much despite our different lives. I know that these feelings transcend all matters and can weigh heavily on any person. Although it would be fascinating to meet someone who lived an exactly similar life to my own, I am not in a place where I have to walk in someone else's shoes to know that they can feel this pain.
I definitely relate to jumping from man to man but on a lesser degree - having lost both parents at a young age, I grasped on to what I could and feared being alone. I was previously in an emotionally abusive relationship that also destroyed alot of my personal possessions because of his anger. I had to have him arrested to end the relationship once and for all. I find myself now in a similarly abusive predicament but again - with such little support elsewhere, even the tiny crumbs I receive sometimes is enough of a bandaid fix to get me out of bed. I am not on vacation with him because he is incapable of handling himself or his mental stresses or the responsibilities he had, which included me. I was expected, in order to be a supportive partner, to have little to no reaction to this and happily go along with his plan because I should "want him to be happy" even though I don't entirely believe he cares if I am happy or not.
Of course, I don't particularly care anymore if I am happy or not so I also participate in the cycle of allowing the abuse to continue even though I certainly could achieve better treatment from other human beings. I have no children which rely on me - just a few cats which I struggle to maintain and will likely have to give up very shortly in order to move again. I have no siblings, no cousins, no grandparents, not aunts or uncles and no parents. Those who are still alive are not willing to be in contact with me because of my parents individual issues caused in the families even though I have attempted to connect with them multiple times.
I try very hard on a daily basis to take some time to I suppose meditate on the fact that this may be all in accordance with my journey. I am not a religious person but have an aboriginal spiritual background through my father which is not something I heavily explore but can see and feel it beginning to take it's own shape in my life. One of the creation stories takes multiple days to tell because it doesn't actually ever end as creation itself never ends. My journey could simply be adapting itself as it goes - I've encountered this stress and must learn this thing in order to gain the strength I will need in order to live into my thirties and forties and I will learn it whether I actually want to or not.
You are welcome to message me anytime.