You won't be shattering his life. The truth will set you both free.
Just be direct and end it.
He will be hurt and then he will move on with his life.
You are doing him a favor....

Let him know you only want to be friends with him. You don't have to say anything beyond that to clear the air and make it an 'honest' friendship.

:-) Patricia

Charming, I would agree (as you already know and said here) that it was a far more hurtful thing in the long-run to coddle your friend than to be honest with him...Maybe that's the lesson to take from this if you have difficulty dealing with conflict vs. wanting people to like you. I understand that part, believe me, but...I think you already know that you can't let this go on for much longer (from what I can tell from your post here).

However, I think it is probably at least a slight exaggeration to say that you will "single-handedly be shattering his life." He may be terribly upset, but he's an adult and is responsible for himself. He'll get over it eventually; it's not your job to baby him and keep him in a comfortable fantasy world. Sometimes, the people we care about don't care the same way. It happens, and better he find a way to cope with it now than another 10 years down the line.

To be honest, he may not want to be friends after this. That's also a possibility, though I obviously don't know you or him at all to say so definitively either way. However, maybe it can be a learning experience and you can come out stronger on the other side? Especially if, even though you've cared for him, he has apparently not respected your declining his offers over the last 5 years. Maybe it's just one of those relationships that just won't work as a friendship...Who's to say.

But please don't be too hard on yourself, charming. Everybody makes mistakes, and this may be difficult to deal with at first, but you'll live through it and the day will come eventually when you can look back on it and say, "Oh wow, that was unpleasant," but it won't cause you to have a panicked response anymore. Until then, just hang in there.

*HUGE hugs*

Elle

Thanks everyone. I say that I'll be ruining his life because he has his own issues. He is almost obsessed with me. I know he'll hate me and I know he'll move away. He feels that being persistent all this time was worth it because he "got" me. For me to tell him otherwise will really throw him. I'm scared to do this.

>>What do I do?

Don't get drunk.

Tell him the truth IN A KIND WAY ... like "If you do not understand that you and I are not in the "same place", you are going to get hurt." ... or something like that. Then stick to it.

I posted this link for someone else today also. This describes me to a tee, and I'm wondering if it also describes you....

http://www.foxnews.com/health/2011/06/21/psychological-profile-no-1-healer/

uh, own up to it. That makes you a bigger person. If you hurt him, then that is the consequence of your actions. It is what it is, dudette. Just don't do it anymore. Then, you can call it a mistake.

On the bright side, I think this will get the point across this time after leading him on like that. It's easier to get over someone who does that.

I am 62, twice married, and a male. Mind a few stray thoughts?

1. You are in no way responsible for his feelings.
2. He paid his money and he took his chances.
3. Men always try to get laid. It is what most of us do.
4. Real men get the message: No really does mean no.
5. Men bruise easy, but they heal quick. (mostly)
6. Women need men like fish need bicycles.
7. contact Elena NJ for any further advice or counsel.

Thank you for the opportunity to put up a few stray thoughts.

You need to be honest with him and tell him the truth. You will never be able to move on with your life if you don't tell him. Whatever he does after you tell him is his problem and not yours. We are all here for you

Or tell him u tried it and it didn't work out

Honey,

You don't want to be hooking up with someone (even a fake relationship) with someone who is that mentally unstable. People use that to control other people. I'd say for your own sake tell him the truth. If he can be an adult about it maybe you could stay friends.

Good luck.

I think part of the reason I'm so scared to do it is because he's going to be so mad. I know he's going to make me feel like the worst person ever which I know I deserve. I just don't want the confrontation. I'm so lucky to have you all for support. Is it better to do this in person?

If you fear your safety, I'd do it over the phone. It really doesn't matter, at this point, how you do it.

Hey, charming, it's absolutely better to do it in person. It shows you respect the person enough to "say it to their face," literally.

However, I'm a little disconcerted by some of the things you're saying about your alleged "friend." E.g.: "I know he's going to make me feel like the worst person ever which I know I deserve." You are NOT the worst person ever - you made a mistake, which was innocent enough in its intentions to protect him originally. And if he persists in taking out his own failures on you, then he is NOT a friend, nor a healthy person to keep in your life (in my humble opinion).

...Although this is what he sounds like: Someone who will not take responsibility for his own feelings, and either does not know about or does not believe in either his own emotional rights or the rights of others. You have the right to live free of harassment and emotional abuse; he has the right to ask if you're interested in more than friendship; and you have the right to say "no" straight off the bat and have that be that without constant battery over the course of the next 5 years of your life.

Please, charming, take care of yourself and respect your own rights and personal boundaries. This guy sounds like a terror. If he moves away, you'll be better off without him.

*Hugs*

i like the idea of saying 'we tried, it didnt work' rather than 'it was never real to begin with'

everyone tries things and fails, its part of life. he took a chance, it didnt work, now you can both move on.

but telling him that it never existed in the first place will humiliate him, and may trigger a stronger reaction.

maybe have a friend nearby when you talk to him... just in case...