Brooklyn, I know how you feel. I think about death every day, I fantasize about how nice it would be to be in heaven & at peace. I too, cannot do that to my son. He is already depressed & that would send him over the edge.
I wish I had a mom to talk to right now. I haven't had a mother since I was 8. I am 48 & still want my mom. I think you should ask your mother to stay with you. Id be willing to bet, she would be very hurt if she knew how you are feeling & you didn't call her. Take advantage of her being here while you can. ((hug))

BROOKLYN
U NEED A BIG HUG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"BIG GIGANTIC HUG!"
U R NOT ALONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I DONT CLEAN MY HOUSE LIKE I USED 2 B4 MY BRAIN SURGERY.
2 DRUGGED UP 2!
GBU
ITS NOT YOUR FAULT.
TAKE MY WORD 4 IT.
D

When my latest depressive episode began, I was living in an apartment with my abusive ex and things got messy quick. I couldn't pay my bills, or cook, and forget cleaning. It was a pig-sty and it pissed her off but she put me through so much hell that I didn't care. Sometimes when you are severely overwhelmed with depression, you don't have the energy to clean- and that's OK. depression guilt trips you enough, don't do it to yourself! ::hugs::

I understand about being hesitant to call for help. But please remember that your family loves you and wants to help. As for your apartment, instead of looking at a big mess, start small. Change the sheets on your bed and then work your way outward. I actually made a goal list for myself (no more than 5 things!) and crossed one thing a day off my list. Making progress with cleaning made me feel better and I could rest better at night as well. Hugs to you!

I think it is a really good idea to have your mom come stay with you for a bit, especially if you live alone.

I am a slob lately. My apartment is filled with papers and piles of storage that I don't have anywhere to put them. And I lack the energy or motivation to do anything. I can relate to feeling hopeless and I'm having suicidal thoughts too, although I can't for my child. It sucks. Its hard, I don't cook, I live with my mom in her basement apartment. She is helping me so much right now and I feel intensely guilty. She tells me I'm not an inconvenience. Mom's love us more than anyone, even if they don't show it well at times. Please ask your mom for help. Be honest about how much you're struggling and I'm sure she will do what she can to be supportive. Just that you want her with you right now tells me that your relationship means a lot to you. I'm sure she feels the same way.

In December 2013 I had an event of sorts that put me into a different kind of depression than I already had. Before that I could keep my house in decent shape, but after that I just didn't have it in me. I didn't care, then when I did care it was too overwhelming. I went back and forth. Just when I finally got a lot done and really made a difference, my friend had to move in with me so I have his crap taking up space. It's kind of discouraging. Anyway, I say give yourself a break, and do things here and there. I made a list of each room, numbered them, randomly chose a number, and cleaned the one that came up. It worked for me, but maybe just a few things at a time would be better for you.

*hugs* Im sorry you are feeling overwhelmed. Having your mom come and help sounds like a great idea. Maybe should could help you take a day to get everything cleaned up and organized? It doesnt hurt to ask. Praying for you BrooklynnMB.

I can definitely relate. My house is too dirty for my own son to stay in it. He's a cancer patient and very susceptible to getting sick. I agree with having your mom help you out.