Hi all, 

haven't been on here in a while as I have had a lot going on, I posted on here a while back last year about my Gran suffering with Alzheimars Disease, well she was admitted to Hospital and was in there for nearly 13 weeks,we made a trip up to see her every week, had numerous calls to say she didn't have long left in November but she fought and fought the horrible disease and even seemed to get a bit better on some visits we made... 

However Christmas Day my Mum had a call at 4am to say we needed to get there as soon as possible as she had taken a turn for the worst. It was a massive shock, because although she had been in for so long and had been poorly, the last few times we saw her, and the Friday before Christmas Day she seemed stable and in a good condition considering her illness and that she hadn't eaten in so long etc. 

When we got there she really was poorly and it was awful to see her that way, whilst everyone else on the ward celebrated Christmas myself and my family were sat by her bedside taking it in turns to hold her hand and talk to her. It was awful. 3pm came around and she had stabled out and was sleeping peacefully, the nurse told us to go home and they would call us on any changes. 
We left the hospital and my Grandad and Uncle left to go home and have some food to then go back for the evening. 

At 8pm just 3 hours after we had got home Mum got a text from my Uncle that made no sense, so she rang him and was told the news that my Gran had passed away peacefully with my Uncle and Grandad beside her. I was at my Sister-in-Laws visiting my Niece and Nephew and as soon as my Mum turned up at their door I knew she had gone. 

My heart is broken, I knew she didn't have long but I really hoped that she would be there to spend Christmas and New years with us all. She loved this time of year as she was truly a Family Lady and loved all the excitment, however I am fearful now that Christmas will be a hard and difficult day, it will be different and there will always be a sadness to it. 

Anyways, the loss of my Gran has really affected me, I cry whenever I see an elderly couple together, I cry when I see my niece and nephew with their grandparents longing for those times when I was with my Gran. 

I have lost so many people but this grief is something else. Whether it is because I have the depression now whereas when I lost my other loved ones i didn't. Its just so hard to explain and comprehend. I can't sleep at night due to flashbacks, my appetite is up and down. Its just an awful feeling. 

Thanks for reading, I just had to get it off my chest and find this a great place to do so. x