Elana:
I eat healthy and get a decent amount of sleep most of the time.
As for keeping busy - I've been trying to but I just got the royal screw when I switched jobs and now I am only working about 2-3 hours a day, and my shifts don't star ttil 5 in the evening, just when everyone else is getting home from work... so the majority of my time I am forced to spend alone. Spending 8 freaking hours a day with no one around isn't fun. I try to keep busy. I take the dog for lots of walks, I go to the leisure center, etc etc... but when you have absolutely no money to spare, it really limits what options you have to entertain yourself for 8 hours a day alone.

About the difference between weed and meds - weed is a plant.. I could grow it in my back yard if it wasn't illegal.. meds are chemical drugs. There is a big difference there. I try to stay away from taking any medications that I don't deem an absolute necessity. I don't medicate for colds or stomach bugs, etc either because I don't like to put things into my body when I have no idea what they are. Just because a doctor says it's okay, doesn't mean it's not harmful. Lots of crap gets past the drug boards that is later recalled, or that has side effects or long term effects that we just haven't discovered. Also, I am cynical as to whether meds actually help at all. I know a few people who are on/have been on meds for their depression. They don't seem any happier. And it seems like the vast majority of DS members are on meds, and you guys are still depressed, or still get depressed.
I have my reasons not to want to try meds. They are very similar to the reasons I will not try hard drugs. I am not saying anything against anyone who uses meds. It is a personal choice. I choose not to use them. There has got to be a better way.

I have also heard people say before that meds don't make you happy, they just make you numb. I would rather continue feeling intense pain than feel nothing at all.
Maybe this is true.. Maybe it's not.. Maybe it's true for some and not for others.

Pot is not a benign thing to be using either....

It sounds to me you already made your mind up about trying meds.

So if not meds, what do you intend to try to help get yourself out of the funk you are now in?

Oh wow.. Ulla said it better then I could ever come close to. And I also know this wont help but I have been in your same exact place.. I was in love with my long haired biker fiance and worshiped him like a God (he kinda looked like pictures of Jesus..lol).. We were off and on for a bout five years.. The last time I was broken.. My heart was taken out, stomped on and small pieces were left..I went into a horrible funk. People would come to visit and say "the lights are on but no one is home".. I was suicidal and drank myself almost to death to keep the feelings numb.. I cut my wrists and let the blood ooze all over my sheets (trigger)..
Friends sent me books and get well cards and journals.. I never wanted to die as bad as I did then.. mostly for a man? I felt so pitiful.. then someone sent me a poem about taking baby steps and small steps and one moment at a time.. I started praying constantly (yes the bear prays).. I started new meds.. I took it one day at a time and eventually the pain started lifting.. little by little.. I started going for small walks that turned into longer walks.. I started enjoying going to the mall again, spending time with friends.. etc.. et.. It will happen for you also.. I am here if you need.

I still get very depressed.. just a few weeks ago, I tried to end it.. thank God he didnt want me yet.. I have quit drinking (12 days sober) and taken back my power.. I will never let myself or anyone or anything take that away from me again.. you will get there I promise.. Im her and so are so many others.. Keep reaching out.. hugs and love sboom.. Believe me.. it will change.

For me, meds didn't make me happy. And depression is more than feeling sad. Meds have let me feel what I think of as "normal." I think I've been depressed for most, if not all, of my life, so maybe I don't have any accurate idea of what normal is. When I take antidepressants, yes, I still have depression. Just as a person with kidney failure still has kidney failure after he leaves the dialysis center. But he's had his treatment, and will have normal functioning until his next dialysis treatment. What I don't have is the universally depressed mood. medication has normalized my brain chemistry enough that I can experience a full range of emotions that are appropriate to the circumstances. If I learn that a neighbor has died, I worry about her family and feel sad. If my daughter is late getting home, I feel anxious until she walks in the door. if someone tells a funny joke, I laugh. If I see a beautiful sunset, I am awed by the majesty of God's creation. I don't yell at the newscaster on TV or throw a screaming fit if the dog has an accident on the rug.

Taking meds doesn't mean forever. maybe you just need something to help you over this obstacle. I'd hate to see you choose to stay feeling as bad as you describe now when there are medications that might make such a difference in your life.

The SSRIs (Prozac, Paxil, Zoloft and their next-generation counterparts) have been around and WIDELY used, successfully, for over 20 years. The tricyclic antidepressants are older than that, also widely used, and successfully. Yes, there are horror stories, but you find those with anything. Even with weed. Certainly with opium and cocaine, which also come from plants. But those are only a few people. If we made our decisions based on things that happen to a few people, we could never move. A tree might fall, or lightning strike, or a car hit us.

Give yourself every chance out there to have the life you want.

Have you talked to a doctor or therapist just to see what treatment they would recommend for you? it's still up to you to decide whether you want it or not.

I don't know what more to do to feel better, mianutzy.. I've tried everything that has always worked for me before. and none of it is working this time around.

I haven't gone to see a therapist or anything yet because I don't know where to go other than the one at school. The school is way on the other end of the city and it's a pain in the ass to get there. I am moving soon closer to the school. When school starts again I plan to start going again. But I know they are just going to try to shove meds down my throat. Or they will just feed me the same bs about time healing all wounds. But like I said, it's NOT about the fucking guys anymore... that's just where it all started, by now it has spiraled completely out of control and it isn't about him anymore. I am over him. But the pain that started with him has just grown and grown and grown and become about other things.
And sometimes I feel okay. And then I don't. It comes out of no where. Like yesterday - I was having a good day. My cousin and I went and played squash and went swimming and sat in a steam room and had a great afternoon. Then we went out with my brother for dinner and a couple beers and on the way home I had to hold back tears. It was so stupid.

I don't know what I'm asking for right now. Whatever it is I'm not going to find it here. I just need someone in the world to know how fucking hard things are for me right now because I have no one in my life that I can talk to about it.. they don't understand. I tried to talk to my brother once, but he brushed it off when I told him I had MDD saying "yeah sometimes I get depressed too." No.. no he fucking doesn't. He thinks I'm just having a fucking pity party for myself because I've had a shitty year.

I dunno.. I guess maybe it is time to suck it up and give meds a try... but it does worry me. What if I have a hard time coming back off them? What if they don't help and I'm just wasting a buttload of money that I don't have on them? I dunno..
I just don't like the idea.
But it seems I'm out of other options. Everything that's worked before isn't working anymore.

Awe sorry about your broken heart - that takes a LONG time to get over.

I do hope you try meds to help you with your depression.

Hugs

Honey I just wanna let u know that I feel the exact way you do. I've been suffering from this for almost a year now and i just don't understand where it came from. Thats another thing that bugs the hell out of me I sit and wonder everday where the fuck did this come from? This cant just happen for no reason. The best thing to do is surround yourself with others cuz when your alone it only makes things worst cuz u have lots of time on your hands to think about anything and everything imaginable thats gonna make u more depressed. but if you feel like I do u dont want to be around others (like you do but u feel like u cant communicate like your DEAD inside) thats exactly the way I know how to explain the way I feel is that Im DEAD inside. I just want my old life back I was such a easy going people person. Just so happy go lucky. I want it back so bad i try and try everyday and i just feel like I'm getting nowhere. I'm so glad to see that someone else feels the same way i do about medication. My mom thinks its so stupid she's like if u really want to get out of where your at you should want to try anything shes like it doesnt mean u have to be on it forever and if it doesnt work then u can just quit taking it its not a bid deal. but i just think medication is all in the persons head like it really doesnt work like the whole sugar pill thing. I also am afraid of the medication making my depression worse cuz I've heard of that happening and thats the last thing I need. I believe everyone goes through struggles in their life and its something u gotta work through and I believe this is my struggle and I need to work through it on my own. but I have tried everything and nothings working and sometimes there's things in life we just can't fix ourselves and need alittle bit of help so I'm thinking about trying the medication i think u should also. And the whole weed thing i use to smoke everyday and I believe that has something to do with my depression i was using weed to cover up my pain and i used it for so long that now I don't even know what my pain is. Weed is only a temporary fix and its something u need to get away from until you get yourself back on track then if u wanna use ole mary jane than thats your choice but its only making things worse for u i swear i know from experience. but i hope things get better for you and me. Don't lose hope!!