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I have a confession to make, a few actually. And it scares me a little bit.
a few days before my ex broke things off we got into a fight. The next day he said he wanted to see me, and that everything was ok and he wasn't mad at me and wanted to go to the beach. then I found he ignored me completely for three days. We never went to the beach. I got worried sick, scared, I was upset that he would act this way and neglect me for the rest of our lives and I just deleted him on all social networks and ignored his last text to me. I just don't know what came over me I guess I instinctively did it as this defense mechanism. I didn't know hoe else I would allow myself to leave him while I felt so confused by his behavior. The next day I waited and thought about things and realized I wasn't ready to leave him. I just wanted to talk to him about things and clear the air
by then I don't know if he was weirded out by my behavior but...thats when he started ignoring my calls and when he finally picked up I told him I was coming over. I came over with a gift I bought him after our fight a few days before and I tried to be affectionate and be myself. When I saw him that night I realized I wanted to work on things and pretend like nothing happened. That's when he threw me off of him and ignored me and turned his back on me and then dumped me two days later with no remorse, no care, nothing....
when our relationship ended he called me bipolar. I do feel like my actions literally in the last few days of our relationship could have been some kind of bipolar behavior or cognitive dissonance? I feel like i acted the way a psychopath would...that immediate blocking on instagram/discard. Although of course it was never my intention and i didn't want to hurt him i just freaked out and didn't know what to do with my emotions, how neglected i felt and how insecure i felt after our fight.
what if I'm a narc/psychopath just like him?! What if i acted so childishly to illicit a response from him just as a psychopath would? What if I'm the psychopath and he isn't? And he finally saw who i was when he realized i blocked him suddenly and then flipped and tried to comfort him and chase after him?
what if i am crazy? These actions have been bringing me a lot of guilt....and i need your honest opinions.
there is something else i have been feeling extreme guilt over.....
i begged for three months to be friends with my ex again. Finally he responded to me after three months but only when it was convenient for him. He left me stranded at a bar waiting for him, continued to ignore my texts, and then one night around 1030 he asked me to come over. I was desperate to see him again...i was still in love with him. And i ran over and when he greeted me he said, just letting you know Ryder is here
Ryder was his four year old son that he forbade me to see until he felt ready for me to see him when we were going out. So i never met Ryder during our relationship.
at that moment i should have ran but i didnt....
and i went upstairs with my ex and his angel of a child was sleeping in the next room
my ex poured us drinks and lit a joint and i got completely trashed and we slept together. All while his kid who i was never even allowed to see when we were together was sleeping in the next room.
i was in so much shock just being in the same room as my ex that i did everything he did. I let him sleep with me, i drank with him....with no consideration for that child or what might happen if god forbid there was a problem with him.
i was so desperate and stupid. What kind of man invites a woman over when his child is asleep in the next room, especially one who isn't the Childs mother...especially a woman who is his ex girlfriend..and sleeps with her and gets high with her like that?
when i left his place i literally felt like a used up prostitute and was disgusted by myself. I have been haunted about my actions....his actions...our actions since.
that poor child. If i knew my child was in that situation, sleeping while his father drank and smoked and slept with a woman that meant nothing to him...i would lose my mind.
i feel like a disgusting person. I'm disgusted by what a terrible father he is. I'm disgusted by how i allowed myself to act that way knowing a child was involved. I'm starting to feel just like him. I feel like a terrible person.......
do i deserve to be forgiven for all of this? How do i forgive myself?
a few days before my ex broke things off we got into a fight. The next day he said he wanted to see me, and that everything was ok and he wasn't mad at me and wanted to go to the beach. then I found he ignored me completely for three days. We never went to the beach. I got worried sick, scared, I was upset that he would act this way and neglect me for the rest of our lives and I just deleted him on all social networks and ignored his last text to me. I just don't know what came over me I guess I instinctively did it as this defense mechanism. I didn't know hoe else I would allow myself to leave him while I felt so confused by his behavior. The next day I waited and thought about things and realized I wasn't ready to leave him. I just wanted to talk to him about things and clear the air
by then I don't know if he was weirded out by my behavior but...thats when he started ignoring my calls and when he finally picked up I told him I was coming over. I came over with a gift I bought him after our fight a few days before and I tried to be affectionate and be myself. When I saw him that night I realized I wanted to work on things and pretend like nothing happened. That's when he threw me off of him and ignored me and turned his back on me and then dumped me two days later with no remorse, no care, nothing....
when our relationship ended he called me bipolar. I do feel like my actions literally in the last few days of our relationship could have been some kind of bipolar behavior or cognitive dissonance? I feel like i acted the way a psychopath would...that immediate blocking on instagram/discard. Although of course it was never my intention and i didn't want to hurt him i just freaked out and didn't know what to do with my emotions, how neglected i felt and how insecure i felt after our fight.
what if I'm a narc/psychopath just like him?! What if i acted so childishly to illicit a response from him just as a psychopath would? What if I'm the psychopath and he isn't? And he finally saw who i was when he realized i blocked him suddenly and then flipped and tried to comfort him and chase after him?
what if i am crazy? These actions have been bringing me a lot of guilt....and i need your honest opinions.
there is something else i have been feeling extreme guilt over.....
i begged for three months to be friends with my ex again. Finally he responded to me after three months but only when it was convenient for him. He left me stranded at a bar waiting for him, continued to ignore my texts, and then one night around 1030 he asked me to come over. I was desperate to see him again...i was still in love with him. And i ran over and when he greeted me he said, just letting you know Ryder is here
Ryder was his four year old son that he forbade me to see until he felt ready for me to see him when we were going out. So i never met Ryder during our relationship.
at that moment i should have ran but i didnt....
and i went upstairs with my ex and his angel of a child was sleeping in the next room
my ex poured us drinks and lit a joint and i got completely trashed and we slept together. All while his kid who i was never even allowed to see when we were together was sleeping in the next room.
i was in so much shock just being in the same room as my ex that i did everything he did. I let him sleep with me, i drank with him....with no consideration for that child or what might happen if god forbid there was a problem with him.
i was so desperate and stupid. What kind of man invites a woman over when his child is asleep in the next room, especially one who isn't the Childs mother...especially a woman who is his ex girlfriend..and sleeps with her and gets high with her like that?
when i left his place i literally felt like a used up prostitute and was disgusted by myself. I have been haunted about my actions....his actions...our actions since.
that poor child. If i knew my child was in that situation, sleeping while his father drank and smoked and slept with a woman that meant nothing to him...i would lose my mind.
i feel like a disgusting person. I'm disgusted by what a terrible father he is. I'm disgusted by how i allowed myself to act that way knowing a child was involved. I'm starting to feel just like him. I feel like a terrible person.......
do i deserve to be forgiven for all of this? How do i forgive myself?
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Do you think anxiety is genetic or comes from your environment? What are your thoughts?
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Many of you know Mr K told me to "shut your mouth" in March 2025 when we took a road trip to Alpena Michigan. Since that time, we have had lots of ups and downs but I have never intentionally hurt Mr K in anyway. And when we first started dating in 2024 he let me know, although he is an engineer by degree, he has an extremely low EQ. Overall, he is ok (not off the charts nice like other guys in...
I've done some things in relationships when I was really scared. Sometimes, our fears get so overwhelming, we are run by our fears, and then we come to our senses...and try to fix it. Bipolar or not bipolar, fear will make us do things like this. Sounds like you did the best you thought at the time, but the actions had serious impact on him.
I remember when I was dating a guy, I was feeling really down. Upset and in grief over a death. When he said that he would not be buying me much of a gift for the holidays, which wasn't too nice I would admit, I got angry at him. I questioned him about why was he giving his sister jewelry and not me...blah blah...I was being insecure. This made it worse. But I did do it. Eventually we broke up, and I don't know if my anger contributed to it or not, but I wonder. It doesn't sound too healthy anyway, and I'm sorry. I hope I could help.
You are a bundle of feelings, love, hurt, neglect, guilt, abandonment, longing, empathy, lonely....to name a few. And all understandable! See a therapist and slow down. Take time for yourself. Give the relationship thing a complete break for a while, and you will come to do the right thing for you, for him, and the child. RIght now you just have too many emotions to think clearly....TRUST ME.
You really are a genuine caring person, no doubt. So go easy on yourself. OK? :0)
I think so.
>>How do i forgive myself?
See it for what it is. A (set of) mistake(s) you made .. from which you learned .. to not make the same ones again ... then 'set the burden down', and move on .. all the more wise.
I just see someone who is insecure. You also seem to feel you need this man to make you feel worthy. A lot of us are insecure to some degree. That does not make you a bad person. It is something you can fix.
Your insecurity does not get your ex off the hook for his behavior. He could have broken things off with dignity instead of calling you names, blaming you for everything, and ignoring you like a child. He has used you, jerked you around, and has little regard for your feelings. He tried to make you the bad guy when his behavior is absolutely disgusting and abusive.
Don't beat up on yourself too much. You were just human reacting in fear. It pales in comparison to anything he has done.
You are certainly worthy of forgiveness. As WanderingVet said, just look at it as a set of mistakes from which you learned. We are all flawed and make mistakes. Recognizing your mistakes and learning from them so you do not repeat them is what helps us grow as people. That is what sets you apart from people like your ex who just use and abuse without an ounce of remorse.
now, to play devils advocate for a minute...
i dont know what he was doing when he ignored you for 3 days, so i cant defend that... but, maybe he had things he needed to do? work? other people in his life? or maybe he just had to think things through...
you need to understand that he was probably pretty hurt when you deleted him from everything and ignored him... and he probably wanted a little revenge for it too
the ex with the son is a different story, but maybe its a short one
maybe he wanted it to be more than a one night stand? maybe your sheer beauty made him forget about being a good person and drew all of his focus on to you? or maybe he just didnt think it was that big a deal to do something his son wouldnt see?
guys and girls see things from completely different angles sometimes... and it seems to me, that in both of those situations, more communication and understanding (on both sides) is needed
i hope this helps some, and i hope i havent upset you at all
*hugs*