I have been avoiding writing this because I know how emotional this will be. 6 years ago, I was happy, I had an awesome career, a wife, friends, and a normal life. I am an alcoholic and I had 7 years sober at that time as well. One morning I woke up with bad abdominal pain, as time went on, it kept getting worse. After seeing many dr's, they told me I had IBS. Something told me the dr's were wrong, and after about a year of arguing with them, I decided to go get a 2nd opinion at the Cleveland Clinic. In the process of gathering records, I was reading the Gastroenterologist radiology report and it said I had midgut malrotation. I had no idea what that meant, so I googled it. Come to find out, this can be the cause of undiagnosed abdominal pain and that it should be corrected immediately! I went to Cleveland armed with this info and they agreed. They operated on me and when I woke up, they told me they were pretty sure they had me fixed up. I went home to basically never fully recover. My wife left 2 months after that and my brother died 3 days later. I went into a deep depression, a walk through hell as I call it. I have been to the mental hospital twice and I have never been able to get better. I feel like I'm sitting on the bench while life passes me by. I also have pure "O" , I get phrases stuck in my head that repeat over and over. It just so happens these phrases are all suicide related or negative self talk. I also have very mild Tourette's syndrome. I feel like my whole life I have been living in my own little world, everything is a blur. I feel like I'm stuck this way for life! I would never kill myself, but death seems like an attractive option! I don't want to die and I don't know how to live anymore! Sly