I quit my job when I found out my co-worker who was hired same time as me was making 21/hr to my 15.50/hr. I was a little upset since I've being struggling for years and was working hard to prove I was a good employee especially since I didn't have a college degree. I tried getting management to increase my pay. Didn't work. I was stupid to think they might, I was even stupider to quit. I was just so angry. That was in November 2012, now it's March and I still can't find a job. I'm working part time as a housekeeper at an Extended Stay Hotel. By far it's the worst job I've ever had, don't know why I applied for it, should of just did something in retail to tide me over, but I was scared I would bump into people I knew.

Now everyday I come home limping- sore feet, knees, arms, back, mind. It's been a month, and it still feels like the first day I came home. I'm overweight, and I don't know how much more of this I can take. Today, after my second room, my back just started hurting. Those damn beds, I have to change like 15-18 per day. I was driving to work today with a knot in the pit of my stomach. Got chewed out yesterday because I was a little slow and although I finished all my rooms, I got overtime, which isn't allowed. If I don't finish I get in trouble, now I get in trouble even if I do. I can't seem to win. They exploit us by purposely not giving us the time we need to clean each room, expecting me to fucking rush every second of the day like I'm Speedy Fucking Gonzalez. I miss my cubicle. I miss my feet not hurting when I try to stand up.

My husband doesn't care. He'll say he does but the second I say anything he uses it as an excuse to talk about why we should move to San Diego. Everything is an excuse to move to San Diego. His former home. Who cares that since we've been together we've moved just about every year, who cares if my resume has so many jobs on it no one wants to hire me cause I keep moving, who cares my family is here and it's easier for me to visit them, who cares that I like living in the Bay Area. But oh, his jobs is currently paying the bills, oh, his job, a small employer, will promote him if he moves down to San Diego and apparently I'm holding him back. Who cares that the last time we moved he ruined my chances of getting an A.A. from Santa Monica College because they don't have websites to help you pick transferable classes for a community college degree and the only way to get someone from SMC on the phone is if you have cancer.

Sooo.... I don't talk to him. What's the point? I haven't felt like he loved me in a long time. Everything he does for me is always the minimum.... So I just keep it to myself. Don't have any friends. My mother is a stupid ghetto loudmouth who is still sucking off the governments tit. I don't talk to her either, I mean I chat with her, but I don't talk with her. Not about what matters. I've never looked up to her, she's never stood on her own two feet... so what's to look up to? My grandma is not ghetto, but she's the same with the exception of being a doormat. Living on section 8 and not raising your kids to be independent to the point where 3 of them are still living with her plus her grandson. Money is stretched so thin they don't even have money for toilet paper. I still to this day don't know how they wipe their ass. I don't talk to her, just chat. I have no friends, grew up a loner because my mother moved me into the ghetto at the start of middle school and I responded by never leaving the house. Can't make friends if you don't go outside. I tried, at first, but got rejected for being the new kid. Get rejected enough and after a while you just stop trying. So I stopped... Not to mention, all the ghetto guys approach every new female they see, even a child. That's also what drove me inside. And the second high school was over... the second I got my opportunity, I left and didn't look back.

But, I don't see what good it did me. I still have no friends. No one to talk to, just my husband who I don't think I love anymore.

I keep feeling like I let down my son. He doesn't know what's going on because he's only 2, but I look at him and think about how I can't buy him clothes because I quit my job and am stuck working in a no-paying housekeeping gig because I was stupid. I was doing okay until 2-3 days ago, just started feeling that knot before work, during, after... like a dark cloud following me all over. Today, I was crying in my car. I didn't eat lunch, gotta have an appetite for that, all I have is this knot and it just keeps getting tighter.

I just want to smile again.