Depression Support Group
Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.
Hi everyone.
I haven't been on this site for a long time, but I'm really suffering right now. I feel like my depression and anxiety have taken over me to the point where I can no longer function. When I'm not working I sleep all day. When I am working as I have been from home recently, I feel like every little thing takes all of my energy. When the work day is over I just lay here like a corpse. I have a dog that I can't take care of anymore because I can't walk him and give him the exercise and love that he deserves. I wasn't always this way. I'm 29. I have a masters degree. I used to be an overachiever who had a 4.0 GPA and wanted to succeed in everything. I went to film school, I studied art. I used to play the guitar and worked doing photography which I loved. I was creative. There are many factors that have made me this way, although I have had severe anxiety from an early age. A lot of it had to do with my appearance (and still does), but I remember staying home and hiding because of my acne and just feeling like I was repulsive. If someone saw me without makeup I would have a full on panic attack. I would be late all the time to anything because I had to try to look and feel perfect. My anxiety and depression came from maybe wanting control when I didn't have any. I had an on and off eating disorder throughout my life, I had fallouts with many many people. I was raped when I was 15. I have been physically and emotionally abused by my twin brother my whole life, and my mom emotionally abused me and always made me feel like I was ugly, crazy, selfish or not good enough. I also have had two suicides in my family - my grandpa and my uncle. I lose sight of all of my trauma sometimes, but what brings me the most pain is what I have done to myself. I blame myself for all of my relationships failing and all of my friendships failing. I truly feel so alone and insignificant. I feel like now I have little to no friends, and have often thought that if I died tomorrow it wouldn't make a difference. I feel like I've hit rock bottom and that I don't have anyone. I can't talk to my family either because they constantly bring me pain. I feel completely unlovable. I don't think I'll find love again. I am so crippled by this pain of being all alone that I just don't have energy to better myself. I think, why work out, why take care of myself, why even shower if I'm all alone? Who am I even doing this for? So I have let myself go. I literally just sleep, let my dog out to pee, eat and work. This is by the way one of the longest standing jobs I have had, there have been so many that I have abruptly left because of my mental state. Although I am able to work now, I am barely capable. There have been many times where I just left and ended up going into treatment. In regards to treatment - I have been once to inpatient and twice to outpatient. As you can see, it hasn't worked. I don't know what to do next. I don't think going into treatment again will help me. I've thought of suicide so many times. I live in my own filth, I don't take care of myself, I don't feel like I have anything. My own dog by the way bites me constantly. I feel like everywhere I turn there is pain. So I stay alive but barely, and just sleep and barely function. I don't feel like there is hope or reason to get better if I will be all alone with nothing anyway. I don't know what to do anymore.
impure is pure,
good has become evil,
evil has become good
what is to live is to die,
what is to die is to live” Kikyo
Hi heyvee, success will not last forever, failure is impermanent so there is no point mourning over your lack of achievements or be depressed on your failure to succeed. The bad people who denigrated you and abused you for your looks in your youth had failed to prevent you to succeed academically. The evil person who defiled you so long ago had failed to discourage your determination to succeed in your career. Despite all the bad and evil things that you had experienced, you still succeed in school and achieved in your career. This speaks of your courage and determination; you are indeed a strong lady for you are able to excise the past and move forward.
So why are you beating yourself over failed relationships? All of us have the best intentions for ourselves, to be the best, the strongest, the smartest, the wisest, but life is imperfect and it is the imperfections that give the depth, meaning and flavour to our otherwise benign and dull lives.
So you have fallen over, your face hit the ground, and you are all bruised and defeated. You want to lie there and do nothing, letting nature takes its course regardless of whether you are lying in your own filth. I would say get up, brush the dirt off your clothes and use that indefatigable determination of yours to move forward, to change your own predicament and of your future. Clean up your house, clean yourself, get rid of the clutters whether they are people that you don't like or things that mess up your house/your life. If you don't want to talk to a particular person, then you don't have to. If you feel lonely, strike up a friendship with someone at work. We on the forum are certainly your friends who listen to you and offer suggestions to fix your predicament.
It is easy to die but harder to live. If I were you, I would choose life for it is a harder road with challenges that enrich my life. Won't you join me in my adventure towards self-improvement? I can see hope in the horizon for you, and a better future.
Have a nice weekend, and don't think too much. Most of all, stop watching television about the coronavirus pandemic, it is making you sick and depressed.
It sounds to me like you are severely depressed right now. In my experience when things get this way, you need to take some drastic steps, that may not be so easy. You have known happiness, had friends, hobbies and good self esteem in the past, so there is hope.
Like most of us here you suffer from a mental illness and deserve help just like anyone else. You are worth it, but the depression creates such difficulty in being able to do the things that you need to do. Is there one person (doctor, therapist) you can call? Can you call your work and say you're not feeling well and are working with your doctor on figuring out what's going on? Just because you've had difficulties with jobs, doesn't mean that it's your fault. You are suffering from depression. I am so sorry that you're going through this. Right now you need to put yourself in the hands of someone who can help you through this period of time---even if it means going back into the hospital, I don't need to preach--I am trying to deal with my own stuff right now, but I think that you sound like a wonderful person. Please keep posting. Much Love