I'm so sorry to hear this... it saddens me to know how bad some things feel and how without choice bad things happen. You are a lot stronger then what u give urself credit for and that's just from the few sentences that I've read. U have to start believing that u are doing a good job. Even if u are just going thru the motions, u are still going thru them, which is a lot more then some would. It sounds like ur husband was your best friend and so maybe by looking at things thru his eyes on what he would truly want for u will be enough to pull u through some tough moments. Do u think he would want u to be drifting through life or would he be someone that (if he could) encourage you to do things that make u enjoy life....

I'm sorry I don't have much experience and definately no professional advice but I do want u to know that u are not alone and that u are worthy of living life to your fullest potential.

Keep putting one foot in front of the other and know we are all here whenever you need to vent to....
Sending big hugs x

Thank You and yes he was my best friend, I know he would want the best for me I'm just so tired of struggling.

Keep seeking help! It can come in many forms. Don't be too proud to ask and keep seeking. For example, can you find a grief counseling support group? Could you look into disability and take the time to heal and get to a better place?

Thank You Yall,

I have always had a hard time asking for help, that is why I ended up here.

I'm not a religious person, im more spiritual, and if one more person says to me God has a plan I am going to explode. All the Grief Share groups here are run by churches and they all want me to join their church and their church is the only true church that god recognizes.

I don't have much family, I have a sister that lives 6 states away, she tries to come see me as much as she can, but it takes 14 hours of straight driving to get here, she will not let me spend holidays alone, and she tries to be here on the anniversary of his death and our wedding anniversary, but she has a life and responsibilities. we were not luck enough too have children.
Some one told me don't be surprised if you lose all your friends since he husband passed and they were right.

When he died 8/18/15, I went to Social Security and they told me I could not apply for his benefits till 3/2017. I figured OK its just a year and a half, I can struggle a year and a half, I begged and borrowed to get to March, well in March I called them back and they than told me why am I calling now I have to wait till September 2017. I than tried to apply for disability and I was told I am working so Im not entitled to disability even if my job is in danger from all the stress and other shit going on in my head, I have to loose my job and six months later I might be able to get disability, I asked were am I going to live for 6 months cause I will be evicted if I don't pay my rent for 6 months. There answer was well fill out all the forms but you are not entitled to anything cause you are working and lets see what happens in a few months, and follow up with DSS cause they approved me for 11.00 dollars a month in food stamps.
So I went to DSS last week and waited what seems like for ever, the women at the window were real nice, they asked why I was there and I told them that Social Security said I had to follow up with my DSS case worker they look so perplexed and said Ok we will get you someone.
Well when the person finally came out and called my name she really butchered my last name so I pronounced it correctly to make sure I was who she wanted she snapped at me real ugly WHO CARES, I was dumb founded. But I followed her in to the room and she ugly said so what do you want from us, so I explained everything calmly, (I am not a ugly person I am probably one of the nicest people anyone will ever meet) (a sister missionary that used to visit me said I will help someone else before I will help myself), she snarled at me again so what do you want form us, I said just a little help, I am drowning she snarled at me you just have to wait it can be up to 6 months, I walked out of the office crying and said to her I will be dead is six months, I went to the front woman again and asked to speak to someone else and she got me someone that was nice and she apologized for the ugliness and said she read my file and the witch wrote that I was very ticked off and stormed out of her office. I asked how can I survive if I cant get help she said don't give up. That is easier said than done when you feel like you are drowning.
So I left and I met a woman in the waiting room she saw that I was beyond stressed out, she asked what was wrong I said I cant get any help, so walked out side with me and said, You just don't know how to work the system, I just bought a new car with cash Im buying a house, I get 1000.00 in food stamps and my husband that lives in an other country he gets food stamps for his children that live here. I stared at her like wow, she also said that she works off the books. So stupidly I asked how does she do this, she said its simple just shoot heroin 1 time and than go apply and tell them you are addicted to heroin and they will give you everything right away, I almost fell on the floor. People really need help like me and cant get anything but if you want to abuse the system you get everything. Sad Sad Sad.

And no I am not stupid enough to do that cause I know yes my little cat needs me, I cant survive without him and he could not survive with out me.

Thank You for letting me vent here it does help to get it of my chest.