and i don't know what deserving means to me. i could get into my upbringing but i don't know where my sense of deserving stems from. i just don't feel i deserve anything at all.

Are you wanting to cry, or are you shaking with stress? I am wondering if you have anxiety. it took me a long time to realise I had anxiety. Once I figured that out, everything else came together for me. I was more stressed by someone being mad at me, than I was at being their victim. I could handle anything that happened to me; but could not handle being RESPONSIBLE for anything. I could not handle being to blame for anything. I could not cope with me doing anything wrong, even though I could cope with other people doing whatever bad thing they chose.

lol. I'll just give you a tiny wup every time you say it. :) You're important. You're born as valuable as anybody. Probably more valuable than some. You have equal rights. it's okay to be you. :)

your post on anxiety speaks to me. i live in terror of other people's disapproval. i am untreated and not diagnosed with anything at present.

I can spot anxiety a mile off in real life now, because there's a huge cluster of things we do.

1. control freaky, because we're so strung out if something goes wrong;
2. very, very encouraging of other people
3. very disparaging of ourselves
4. very well organised.

I've never known anyone with anxiety who wasn't a sweet, kind, helpful person who went out of their way for others - with a shocking bad self esteem and a real thrash thyself mentality.

it's just a cliche. We have no idea how we actually are. I look at the people who have anxiety around me and they're such sensitive, wonderful people. They make other people's lives valuable. They give so much to other people. They don't need to. They need to keep more for themselves. Everyone loves them, but they don't see it.

I've learned how to behave by holding up a mirror and saying 'gosh, is this me? how... kind of annoying.' And I've learned to laugh when I make an error. Nowadays at work I can make an error and I don't even cringe. Let alone want to die for 3 days. I barely care. It's wonderful.

I just move on and try again. And they all forget. It took a lot of work and I took medication for a couple of years, learning how to be a normal person. :D

Totally worth it. :)

that sounds a lot like me. anxiety and depression go hand in hand i guess.

thank you.

I do think they're part of a cluster. But knowing what's going on is maybe 3/4 of getting through it. Because you can start to perform a few experiments and identify some strategies and ways of handling situations.

I had a terrible sense of guilt and obligation. I put it down to my mother being able to berate me for up to 3 days for so much as a blink out of place, with me not having a clue what she was on about and the stress building and building as other things were not being done. She was very tantrummy and I never knew when it would land. And I didn't know she was tantrummy - I thought I was bad.

Took my counsellor 2 yrs to get through to me in my mid forties. Boy I could tell you some stories. But yes, unpacking my past was part of things: but also, understanding that I was normal was another. I had never seen myself as normal. Never. Ever. Not ever.

I was weird, I was a freak. Well, I wasn't. I just was bullied a lot.

finding out I'm a normal person just like everyone else has been something that's helped.
Working with kind and good natured people has also helped.

But the most helpful has been the medication. I got to have a quiet mind. I got to find out what other people think about when they go home from work: what's in front of them! They don't cringe and die and hit themselves upside the head for every single comment they made. They forget it.

when we have anxiety it's like having a loudspeaker in a feedback loop right beside your head. Every word you said today reverberates... and it was wrong, so wrong!

I remember saying hello to my boss one day, at work, and for the next couple of hours obsessing about whether I'd said it right or not. I mean - severe anxiety. When they diagnosed me, I had major depressive disorder and Generalised Anxiety Disorder which is where the noise from constant anxiety is so loud you can't handle the tiniest thing. I couldn't watch telly, I couldn't read a book. I couldn't concentrate. I was stressed all the time, with no way to stop it.

They gave me pills, they gave me counselling, it took a few years but I came right and now I'm clear inside myself. I'm clear about life and what's important. I'm happy inside myself, and I'm able to live down when things go wrong. :)

it can be done. But first it involves going to the old doctor and saying something about not feeling the tippest of the top and maybe they've got a depression questionnaire you could just maybe fill in cos you're a teeeeensy bit down?

:) You won't lose your job, you won't lose your kids. Go to your GP and just open the conversation up. :)

I'm so scared of that. Of talking to a professional about any of it. I know that's the next step. Other than that other step. That step just seems easier sometimes. And obviously not easier for others. Selfish, I know.

But it's the obvious next step. So I've got to get over this fear.

No. you don't have to get over the fear. it's okay to be afraid.

When I did defensive driving I was scared of oncoming traffic. And the teacher told me, 25 yrs ago or whatever - don't look at the truck. Look at the gap.

that's what you have to do. It's a small thing. You can fear alright. Acknowledge it. Cry for it. Accept it - But don't look at the fear. Look at the gap.

Your fear will go on its own. What you think about is what you feed. your brain builds stronger and stronger neural pathways around what you think about most. So do accept how you feel - and now think of logical, sensible, wise and stable solutions.

Logical, sensible, stable, wise solutions.

And then follow through despite the fear. don't look at the fear. Hide under the metaphorical bedclothes, but get yourself to the GP. It's really normal to have these problems. Totally normal.

Get yourself to the GP, have the talk, express how things are at for you. Tell him you want to be referred to a counsellor.

You don't actively want to be dead. you actively want a happy life. That's what you actually WANT. being dead is just your second choice.

So invest in your first choice, invest fully. Throw everything you've got at it. Put all your eggs in the one basket: the basket of happiness.

Im totally agree with you, i don't understand why we can't do what we want, we will live only one life, and every time passed will not come again, i don't know why other people interfering in our things. Sometimes i feel want to go to place or nobody can find me.

Today is a new day, that I hope you can look at the good things that are around you. Know that we are here for you if you ever need to talk. Please do something for yourself and just live life one minute at a time and do the best you can. We are here if you need to talk.

You need to forgive yourself. I'm sure others already have, IF there was a reason to. I can't get by without God in my life. When I realized he forgave me, then who am I not to forgive myself and to move forward in this life he gave me.

I've been severely suicidal. I get it. Repeatedly hospitalized, even had ect done. I have accepted that depression will be part of my life for life in one form or another. But it's my job to manage it. Medicine, therapy, self care like meditation, adult coloring, journeling, exercise and eating well, hydrating myself. I actually feel mentally worse when I'm dehydrated I've noticed. So no you shouldn't go. You are not a burden. You have gifts to give to the world. Remember what they are. Or explore what they can be. Volunteer with kids, dogs, the elderly, others that NEED you there. When you are needed, you have a reason to stick around. And I want you to stick around.