Depression Support Group

Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.

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stewedbrains 07/15/2018

I am struggling with some feelings I have towards my parents. I was raised by my grandmother since I was 3 years old. She raised me along side my half brother Derek who was KIA in Iraq in 2007. Just to give you an idea my brother joined the Marines as soon as he could to get away from our family. I endured some mental/emotional abuse as my grandmother is mentally unstable as well as my uncle who lived with us. I was kicked out and made out to be my mother since I can remember. I couldn't wear a certain shirt or have anytype of social life-as I was just like my whore-mother. This went on for years and I struggled with my self worth, depression, hurting myelf.

My mother has had a long time problem with addiction (crack cocaine/perscription pills). My father has been an alcoholic since I can remember. I had some visitation with my father when I was younger-everyother weekend type deal for a few years. My mother came around mostly when it was convenient for her-or when she wasn't messed up. I am 27 years old and from the time I could remember I wrote both my parents off untouchable. I really had no desire to spend time with either of them because in my young mind I knew that they chose to live their lives the way they wanted to and I wasn't a priority-which was fine at the time, my life went on.

I had a son last year and never thought I would have children because I was never parented correctly so I had no business having children. Long story short he is the light of my life now and I couldn't imagine doing some of things that my mother and father have done to their children.

My mother has finished a round of treatment for stage four throat cancer. She had a test done to see the progress of treatment and just learned that she not only had throat cancer but esophigeal (spelling) lung cancer as well. She is due to have a lung biopsy this coming week. The news of her cancer has me very distrubed. This may be due to the fact that we were never really close so I am not sure how to act/what to do/what to say. She looks horrible-she had to have all her teeth pulled so her mouth is sunken in. She is 5'10" and weighs about 110lbs-it is a sad sight to see-worse than her strung out on drugs.

I visited with her recently and she was to stay the night at my sisters house. We were having a decent evening / reconnecting then all of a sudden she jumps up and says she has to leave. She ended up selling her pain medicine to go get high. It was pretty upsetting to go through this type of ordeal with her again as now I have a child of my own so I guess it is really bothering me now. I have never really cared what she does but now I feel betrayed that she made it out that she was being sincere and really to me-all she cares about is herself. She is dying and rather than spending time with our family she would rather get high. I just do not understand her addiction-I used to go to classes with her and have been educated on the whole bit. I just have my own opinion-help is available and you can be a sober person so there is no excuse to play the victim card when you refuse help. Countless times in my life she has put my family through hell. Out searching for her, watching her be physically abused by dealers/boyfriends, worrying if she was alive or dead etc. ys

I have tried to put myself in her shoes. I just cannot. I cannot understand the senseless things she has done. I have never been so selfish to put myself first, probably from the way I was raised. I was always feeling what everone else was going through. Sister is losing it because mom has left us once again. Mom's trying to get clean for the 100th time. Grandma's out of her medication she's drinking and being hateful to us kids. It only intensified the older I got. I was emotionally a wreck-no one wanted to be around me.

My dad was married when he met my mom. Having 2 kids of his own with his late wife and adopting one of her children. They met at work and had a fling and that is how I came to be. They never had a solid relationship. I talk to my dad on facebook rarely. Since he learned of her falling ill with cancer he has been talking to her again-saying he would take care of her and that because they have a kid together (me) that their relationship should somehow be different. It is really kind of ridiculous in my opinion as I feel like they never cared before-about each other or me so WHY NOW?

I feel like because I never cared about all this mess with my parents when I was younger-now that I have a child it is causing me a lot of problems. I am having a delayed effect from all of this and I feel angry, hurt, unwanted, disregarded, sad, stupid. How my siblings felt when we were young-mom leaving us at grandmas at 3 years old just abandoned is how I feel now. I don't want to make this about me but that is exactly what I am doing. I feel like I am having an identity crisis and it is affecting me and my family.

I am untrusting of people-co-worker, friends, boyfriend and other family because I feel like my whole life I've been pushed aside-left on my own. I've built thick skin and moved on with my life but am facing these feelings now I can only assume because I am now a parent-trying to be the best I can be. KEYWORD TRYING. MAKING AN EFFORT.

I've been shuned my whole life and am trying to be happy now and it is really confusing. I feel like I cannot relate to my siblings and they cannot relate to me as we were raised differently. I try explaining to my boyfriend and a few other people I am struggling/ask for advice and do not receive this. I don't know anyone who has grew up quite like me. I guess that is pretty cliche but also true. I need some advice on what is ok to feel like and what I am to do about my parents. Do I try to better these relationships? Do I just continue on how I have for all this time? I do not know what to do-I do not know what to feel.

-stewedbrains

Seamus 07/15/2018

Good story and a good Vent.

I'll give you my thoughts and advice.

Addiction is addiction. Some people can kick it. Some can't.....

I went through a lot of abuse, a number of homes and left in a motel as a toddler by my mom. I never know her.
I could go on and on.
But my entire point is, take what few moments you can from each of your parents. Keep a distance from them too.
With the stress your mom is under, her addiction will always be #1.

If and when you can see her. Whether its minutes, hours or what have you. Do it.... Make what few happy memories you can. Take photos of her and your son together. If she looks bad, she looks bad.
Always watch her around your son and your belongings.

But creating a few good memories with your mom and dad will help when your older. They don't have to be often. But I think its good to have family ties and give them a hug here and there. Though you rarely had it yourself.

You will never get over your past. But you will learn to get around it. Don't let pitying them control you. But you might still have a few good times, no matter how small they are.

I never knew my mom or her side of the family. She could easily have found me at anytime. Yet.... I would welcome her with open arms and a hug. I'm sure I have siblings I've never met.

Protect yourself and your child. Try to forgive and see past all the past, and the present problems and mistakes.

Once they are gone, you won't have that chance again.

WanderingVet 07/15/2018

First .. I REALLY admire you ... how well you have done in spite of some heavy odds. I pretty much agree with the first two replies. So much is now your choice. In my opinion ... you MUST do what is best for you ... now and in the long run. I know ... 'what the hell does that mean?". Well, time for a good consultation between you and yourself. Consider the aspects, ask yourself how you feel about it, and finally, what you want to do. I would not blame you for whatever you decide ... the important thing is for you to NOT blame yourself.

Wish I could relieve the bad feelings you have. Personally, .. you are guiltless ... a victim .. by many. You .. are ... amazing and I hope you and your child live HAPPY ... ever after.

shadowlady 07/15/2018

Can't add much here, Hon. So very sorry for your pain. I too think you need to make your child your primary concern now. Your life will be much easier if you can forgive your parents for their neglect. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers. God bless.

SimpsonsOK 07/15/2018

Brains, welcome aboard this lifeboat. If you have concerns about your ability to parent, take a parenting course, but you seem to know what should have been done for you, and will give that to your son. I join the others in thanking you for so openly sharing the real you. I also support all the replies you have received thus far. With where you came from, it would be unreasonable to trust people, but that can change as you heal. You are not who you were told you were, nor how you were treated. So many of us lost our childhood due to the families we came from. It did give us problems, but also a resilience that most don't have. We are here to support you as you learn who that strong and loving person is. Comforting hugs.

stewedbrains 07/15/2018

Thank you all so much for each of your responses and advice. It will definitely help me in deciding how to move forward with her and what is best for my family. I will try to be there as much as I can-just unsure how to be a daughter I guess.. (all things considered) also dredges up so many memories I thought I moved past but clearly have not. I don't want her to pass and feel like I missed opportunities with her or her and my son---then again she missed so much of my life that is seems unfair that I -the child must be the bigger person and initiate a conversation or meeting. All your support is so very much appreciated and thankful for this website! I was a member when I was much younger and it helped me through a lot of things growing up and not having someone to speak to. <3 Thank you again..

bozZap 07/15/2018

My heart goes out to all you and your family for all you have been through. I agree that your first thoughts need to be on YOUR OWN family and staying focused on being all you can for a caring environment and loving your son and yourself. What you decide afterwards and the actions you take should be made, knowing that time will pass leaving you with only memories of how things end. Not that there is a right or wrong, just how you feel about it. My thoughts and prayers are with you and knowing that you are already on a great path. Seek the level of help you feel is right for you. You are special and not alone.

AnnieToman 07/15/2018

seems harder then it actually is. you have shown me one thing. you have given great effort to be the parent they were not. it also goes beyond that. your trying to be unselfish and caring. so be the person you want to be and be better then they were , show the compassion they didnt have. just be the person they should have been. be a good role model for your child. show how being human should look like. your mother will be gone soon, do the right thing despite of her, be kind and understanding, treat her the way you wanted to be treated.

WanderingVet 07/16/2018

You are already a daughter ... but you are also a Mother and an adult, and, and, and. You give to your Mother what you feel like giving ... and that is all you need to do. You will live on knowing it is what you chose to do at the time. The choice is entirely yours.

mlj6019 07/16/2018

I’m so sorry you have had a very neglected childhood. I can understand why you would have self-esteem issues, and you have every right to feel angry, hurt, disregarded, sad, unwanted, untrusting. But you are not stupid. You sound amazingly smart to me and I’m so glad you decided to reach out on this forum. Since you now have a child, naturally you would want them to have a relationship with their grandparents. That’s a longing, I think we all have. An internal desire. And when that can’t happen, it hurts. Badly.

Cancer is a very ugly disease for everyone involved. I know you and your mother have not been close, but I am sorry to hear about her cancer. It’s somewhat of a shock when their physical appearance changes so drastically. It’s heartbreaking. Addiction is also very ugly. It demands #1 priority in one’s life. It consumes everything because it’s a stronghold, a bondage. Others are basically held as hostages. Addicts always see themselves as the victim. You have every right to feel betrayed, because you have been. If you’ve never been an addict you will never be able to relate or understand.

One important thing is to not harbor strife in your heart. Bitterness, unforgiveness, resentment, etc. These things will eat you alive and rot you from the inside out. My desire for you is that you can find true forgiveness in your heart and let these things go. If you find this hard to do, a professional counselor can be very beneficial. Al Anon can also help you understand addictive behaviors and why they do what they do. All you can do at this point is continue to live your life raising your son, which you deserve a big congratulations. It takes a special person to be a mommy and i think you are just that person. I know you will do the right thing in dealing with your family.

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