Hey sweetie. I'm sorry that you are so stressed out. I have pretty much divorced what's left of my family besides my dad and aunt. The others cause nothing but stress and they are very selfish individuals. I don't talk to them much anymore.
First I would definitely talk with my loved ones and try to resolve some of the issues that stress you out. I think some type of family counseling should be tried out but that probably won't happen. Just try to walk away when stress is caused by there drama. I hope this helps. You have been a great friend to me in the past. Thanks for that ;)

I've read your stuff in other groups, and think that there is some truth to what your therapist is telling you.

It sounds like your #1 source of stress and depression is your mom. She is not going to treat you better all on her own. Please set some limits with her. I know it is hard, especially because you are such a caring and nurturing person. Some easy limits for her are: only so many hours per week running errands for her. Be upfront about when you are available to do this. And she MUST ASK NICELY, and she must understand that she will have to wait.

It sounds like your brother is your #2 source. Keep a log of what you do for mom, ask him to do the same thing. Then compare notes at the end of the month. Please don't fall for the " ... you have more time so you should do more ... " line. Remind him that you have a family too, and you need to spend time with them.

I have not heard you make specific complaints about your husband. My best guess is that he is upset about how your mom runs and ruins your life, and that impacts his life. My hunch is that if you work on your mother and brother issues, your husband will come around.


I am so sorry that you are in this situation. It is time to fight for you and your marriage!

Gentle hugs

We can't control how other people behave, but maybe if you develop a strategy for how you respond to them you will feel so much better for yourself. Avoiding contact with people who put you down is one strategy. Surrounding yourself with supportive people is a complementary strategy.

I get where your therapist is coming from. It's how we choose to react/deal with things that creates our depression. It's not about giving them an excuse. It's about not giving them the power to hurt you. Although that is much easier said than done.

You've gotten a few good answers here already. I too have spent much time in therapy. You can only change your own actions and the way you respond to others. Sometimes this involves setting up boudaries with people and learning to say no to them and then sticking to it. Other times it may be a simple matter of learning acceptance of a person or situation. Ideally most of us have things we would like to change about our spouse. But we have no power over their thoughts or actions. So you can change the way something affects you by choosing not to get angry or resentful about it.

I know it's not that simple. You do have to actively work at it. But it really can improve your life if you can work on changing your thinking.

For example today I found out I have to go for a second surgery for a dialysis access.The first surgery didn't work. I could have been really angry and upset by this. And would have been 10 years ago. However those emotions just would have made me feel worse and wouldn't change the situation. Acceptance that it didn't work and I have to go again is the calmer, easier route. This is something I have been working on for years.

On the other hand if someone is constantly taking advantage of your time by asking you to do stuff for them then you can change the situation by learning to say no and sticking to it. And if they try to emotionally blackmail you then cut them off and get off the phone.

Also sometimes it helps to let a person know exactly how they are making you feel. Don't discuss their actions, just let them know if they are hurting or frustrating you. As in, I feel very hurt when we discuss this topic, can we discuss something else'. Sometimes honesty does pay off. Especially if you are able to not make the other person feel defensive.

Some people can be very difficult to deal with. I took several parenting classes when my son was young. And I found some of the advice helpful in dealing with other family members too. Good luck to you. I hope you do get something out of therapy. Stay open minded. Hugs Kelley