The only thing I know is to get into therapy and stick with it. Meds can only help so much, especially if the causes of your depression are based in abuse or other negative experiences.

The key in my way of thinking is to come to terms with what has happened, get to the point where you accept that they have happened, and most importantly that you did NOT deserve anything that got you into your depression.

Perhaps you can make small steps?

Hi Quirkygirl,

I have taken the liberty of reading your most recent journal entries. I hope you don't mind. I see that you are really struggling and have been for a time. I left a couple very brief comments there.

I am concerned for you and find your writing somewhat alarming. Clearly you are a very sensitive and gifted woman. Sometimes people with the gifts you have experience difficulty in this world. Until your path is more clearly revealed to you it might be a very good idea to get some help.

We all need help from time to time. It can come in various forms, and being here on the board and posting as you have is one form through which help can arrive. Many of us need additional help from medicines and therapy. There is nothing wrong with letting that kind of help in too.

You need to do something different than what you have been because it isn't working for you. Consider reaching out to the social services and medical community to see if they have something to offer you.

Maybe it is something as simple as your hormones and as you progress through your fertility cycle these feelings will let up, but your writings imply they may intensify. If I am not mistaken you may have phrased it as "all hell breaks loose".

Whatever the answer is and wherever it lies, you need to find it. Please do not be discouraged and be willing to look for help where it can be found.

For me it does happen to be meds and therapy. For you it may be different but consider doing something because you are not in a good or safe place.

I wish you well and am sending you light and love and holding you in my thoughts. Be well friend.

Thank you for your comments, I am on meds, but my appointment for therapy is in august, I think it will be a relief to just let it all out to her and see what she thinks is the best course of action

I can say that I do think about death on a daily basis and what has stopped me from going through with it I have no idea. I have a son but there are times I feel that I am worth to him if I wasn't alive do to that fact he would get more financial support. The main cause to all my problems is his mom. Most of the time she yells at me over anything I do. I feel I can't make her happy no matter how hard I try. She is the type that there is no talking to it's her way or no way. My biggest problem now is I am slowly killing myself and nobody knows what is going on. I wont say what I am doing but when the end comes it is going to be painful and I am ok with that. I am not a perfect person and will never be so until my end I will continue what I am doing and hope my death is slow and painful. Life is pain and you never fully experience a true life without going through severe pain.

I should have put a trigger warning :(

I know the feeling.. I'm completely ok with dying. I often hope it happens naturally in a way that my closest friends and family can eventually accept (preferably in a way that isn't too painful but sometimes even that doesn't seem to matter). They are the only reason why I stop myself from suicide but I often think of it... sometimes I wonder if I think of it too often.

It sometimes freaks me out that I'm soo ok with it but not as often as it seems like it should. I don't want to live anymore. I hate the way I feel every day but I just keep on going.

You sound just like me......I deal with this very issue everyday. It will be 3 years now, since my last suicide attempt. And every year around this time, up to and including the Canada Day holiday, these obssessions intensify greatly. The only thing that has kept me together at this point, is that I have regular contact with a very special friend with whom I met on this very web-site. Without her help and support, I would be a nervous wreck right now.
If you ever need or want to chat, i'm on and off here multiple times a day. Just leave me a message, and I will try to help as best I can.

I can soooooo definitely relate to your feelings because I have a disease that is killing meanywy clled MRSA I have lst 53 lbs. since last august but all I can think about is how many people that love me that it would devastate! I think it's o.k. to feel this way but I have to hang on! I knw this will eventualy pass cause it's happened befpr! Like a good friend of mine once tol me( Suicide is a PERMANENT solution to a TEMPORARY problem so I hang onto that! Peace.... Randy

Thinkng about death and trying to kill yourself are fortunately two different things. It's not your fault if you can't stop thinking about dying and a lot of us battle those same kinds of thoughts, so there's no need to panic when you find yourself thinking about it. But I do agree that you need help and having to wait until August to see your therapist sounds like way too long. You need someone you can see on a weekly basis who can help monitor your symptoms and keep a close eye on you. Try to move up that appointment and let your doctor know that you are in crisis. It's time to take action.

I am sorry there are people in worse places that me so it's selfish of me to think like this