Depression Support Group
Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.
I made a promise a while ago, that I'd never do anything stupid. When me and my girlfriend met, I was in a very dark path and I'd gone beyond thinking about suicide. And she didn't give up on me. When we started dating, she made me promise I'd never do anything like that again. And I promised because I wanted her to feel free to be who she is and do what she pleases without the weight of me on her.
I've been thinking about it so much. I don't have any tears left... I'm not strong. I can't think about anything else. I just want to fade into oblivion. Any pain I might feel from it is nothing compared to the pain a feel now.
I don't think I was made to live or be happy. I don't think I can figure out the equations that supposedly takes us all there. And I don't think I can tangle in despair anymore.
I am walking day after day, fearing for a future, unable to do something about my present. And I don't feel like I can lean on on anyone. I don't want to... I still think of how it would effect the people that I care about. But I don't want any of it on me. I feel like I'm going to explode. There's just so much.
I know I made a promise... But I can't take it anymore.
I've been thinking about it so much. I don't have any tears left... I'm not strong. I can't think about anything else. I just want to fade into oblivion. Any pain I might feel from it is nothing compared to the pain a feel now.
I don't think I was made to live or be happy. I don't think I can figure out the equations that supposedly takes us all there. And I don't think I can tangle in despair anymore.
I am walking day after day, fearing for a future, unable to do something about my present. And I don't feel like I can lean on on anyone. I don't want to... I still think of how it would effect the people that I care about. But I don't want any of it on me. I feel like I'm going to explode. There's just so much.
I know I made a promise... But I can't take it anymore.
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I got an email from Kohl's that I had a 40% off coupon for today and tomorrow only. It took me about an hour but I placed an order and got some great deals. I have been wanting a new dress. I like dressing up sometimes. My birthday is coming up and I have dinner plans at a nice restaurant. But, honestly, I'm a little out of control again. I went through this in the fall. I bought...
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Has anyone else noticed that clearly speaking and doing things intentionally is liberating because it helps combat the feeling of depression and a sense of hopelessness? Let me share a little more: in my experience, when those who have tried to project a hidden agenda that is obviously not aligned with integrity and well-being, it's best to be firm and speak clearly from self-awareness and...
The hitch to that is you must make that promise to YOURSELF. When you do and it is a real 'PROMISE', .. suicide is off the table.
I feel this is an answer to your post. What is left Unanswered is why all the misery? Forget suicide ... and address the problems rationally.
Work on the solutions to the problems ... then you 'get to live' and not be miserable. The 'suicide' thing is occupying all your mental 'space' and there is no room for making changes for a happier life.
You may feel like an outsider to society. You look at normal people doing normal things and be "happy" and think that they're somehow superior, they know something you don't, you'll never be like them and enjoy things like they do.
You feel like you're outside an aquarium, looking at the fishes play, with your hand imprints on the glass...
You're right - you're not like them, and you'll NEVER be like them.
You're part of an entirely different, smaller group. You're not going to hang out with "most people" and enjoy things "most people" do.
However, this world is big enough for you, YOUR people, YOUR interests. You just have to look for both.
You're doing a lot of beating yourself up on the inside. You have a very critical, objective eye toward yourself, which is what most people cannot say about themselves.
You're awake. And like for Neo in The Matrix, the awakening is difficult.
Test your Myers-Briggs type. Chances are, you're one of the rare ones (INFJ, INFP?). You may find Meetup groups in your area about your Myers-Briggs type.
You're may be an HSP (Highly Sensitive Person). It's hard to know that you are one, because you don't know how other people feel. But chances are, the denseness of this reality, all the stimula affects you a lot stronger than it does most people.
You may find an HSP Meetup group as well. At least, there are Internet forums out there for HSPs, which may share a lot of your concerns.
And just plain introversion Meetups might help too. You'd be surprised at how nobody there really cares to smile if they don't feel like it. In fact, I find looking at everyone's BRF there to be pretty amusing in and of itself. "You look how I feel" :)
You're not alone. You're not meant to carry things alone. You're not meant to figure it out RIGHT NOW. You cannot make permanent mistakes, unless you decide to saw your arm off or kill someone.
Time is on your side.
You cannot feel positive right now, I know. But you CAN feel neutral. It's a much better feeling, and you can edge toward that as a goal.
The veil through which you see the world is an illusion. Don't let it win. You have a purpose here. The Universe expands through your perceptions, experiences and creations.
Stay.
Its hard to BE for someone else...and then feel like I'm not meeting expectations.
Just a thought as I read your post...