you have come to the right place ..welcome ....here you will not be alone ....this is a good place to tell your story .....ware you will be understood .....those ..who have not been through depreshion ..simply just can not understand ..what we go through .....there is no judgment ..here ....I am very happy that you have taken a very important step and have checked your self in the hospital ....the one thing depreshion does do to us is take ...away ...anything ..that ..could be ...a ..sing of hope ...a light in the darkness ....it can take us so far dowen ....that that light just doesent exest for us ...but ..I am here to tell you ....you might not be able to see it ..but I promise you it is there ....but you won't find it on your Owen ...you have to make sure you get the right help .....this is a very good first step ....a big improvement ....as I understand it ....somthing to be proud of ......you need now to ..tell the doctors exactualy just how bad things realy are ......and you are going to need to ..begin to talk .....and in here is good ...but ..to a ..doctor ..is a must ............you ..have ..two ..big problems ....mental illness and addiction ..so both have to be addressed at the same time ....you have to take a step dowen a new path and not look back ....easer said than done ..I know ...take it one day at a time ...one hour at a time if you need to .....try to live with in that one day ..or one hour ....let the past fall in the past ware it belongs ....you can't Chang it ....but you do need to talk about ...it with us or your doctors ....the rest of the time leave it to the past .....don't worry about the future .....it will take care of its self ....we never know what is weaiting ...for us ......it took me till I was 50 ..befor I wanted to be here ......and ..I would of missed so much if I would of just .given up ............you are 26 ......you are young yet ....yet you feel old ......we ..I am here to lisen ....I will keep you in my prayers ..take very good care of your self ..be kind to your self ....God bless ..

I've been through the systems they have in place for people like me, and I've come a long way, however I just know deep down that I won't make it. I've been seeing and currently see a psychologist and psychiatrist. I have been through multiple drug programs, over a month in a mental hospital, and a handful of other hospital visits.

I'm actually 100% sober now, and have been for a while. At the end of the day it either their drugs or mine, both of which are just putting a band-aid on a cut that can't be healed.

I always knew what I wanted with life. I want to be a good father and husband. I want to emulate my grandfather who brought joy and happiness to everyone he was around, always putting his family first.

However, now I know that I could never be a good father, and I will never be a good husband. I'm plagued with disease.

Now I'm lost.

Hello, .. and welcome to DS and this group. Most mental disorders as well as drug addiction is TREATABLE.

Attend effective treatment for both, and you can have the life you want. Get very serious about it ... seek and attain that TREATMENT .... top priority. It is the path to solutions. You CAN win .... if you effectively fight back.

The medical profession SUCCESSFULLY treats these things every day.

>>checked myself into a hospital for the first time last night.

Good start. Now ... follow up ... vigorously.

I have met a few people, both men and women, who have said that they would make bad parents so they opted not to have children. I agree with some of them, disagree with others. But what the were able to do was to find other things in life to occupy their time, talents and energy.

I have no way of knowing if you would or would not be a good dad. But I believe that everybody can fit in with life somehow. I would love to be a great dancer, but after spending lots of time and money on dance lessons I realized that is not the path for me.

What else are you interested in?

Congrats, Brian, for being proactive in checking yourself into a hospital!

I get depressed too, and instead of wallowing in woe is me meagers, I get busy, especially physically exercising. Happiness takes work. I don't know how much you're able to do physically, but just do something. Physical activity really helps with mental illness for me. It helps with my mental clarity, pumps positive endorphins into my brain, helps me cultivate healthy emotional responses, namely, have a sense of humor rather than being sad and fearful, get angry only in short bursts only when necessary.

Also, learning new things opens up new neuro pathways. Maybe you feel stuck in a dead-end job.

Too busy to be depressed ..... works well for me.

WELCOME 2 DS!
HOPING THE BEST COMES YOUR WAY!
GBU
DRENA B
PS. YOUR NAME IS THE SAME AS MY NEPHEW.

I think I am better off alone.

I here you ...when you say that you don't see the diferance between ..the doctors drugs and the street drugs ..but you are misguided ..in that .....the street drugs .....will kill you ...will take from you what ever dream ...of ever being a good father ...and any other ...dream ..you have ever wanted .................on the other hand ...the doctors ..meds ..can give you that life ...you dream of ...it can be a real possibility ...but it won't be easey ....it will take real work on your part ...one day at a time ....staying with us ...helping your self ....getting all the help you can get ....and if you fal ..one day just get right back up ..tomorow is a new day .......a friend of mine ..did druges hard drugs ..as a teanagers ....when he found out he was going to be a father ..he desided ...he wanted that life more than the one he was living ....he stoped the drugs ..put his self in a program ..to get off the drugs ...he was given somthing else to help him get off them ...he did it and ..he has been ..living that life he truly wanted ever since .............I have a nefue .....who ..is on hard drugs ...all of the family have helped him ..at one time ...but he just kept doing the drugs ...dident mater what we did .........he lost his two children .......one and three ....we had not relized how bad things were ...untill than ....he would not talk to us ..only if we we were giving hand outs .....it just happened ..that his first cousin ..my neace was trying to ..adopted ....and the children's aid ..told her his children were ....taken from him ......he would do nothing ...they asked of him ..to get his children back .....so ..they are now adopted and doing very well ........he speakers to me from time to time ....my dad gives him money so we know if he is alive or dead .....he Blaise's everyone eles for all his pro blames ..and he is very angry ......he can't see things strait .....this breaks my heart ..........I pray ...you ...don't go dowen this road ...this lost painfull road ...lonely ...confused ...road ....a road full of pain ....that could land you on the streat ...I live with knowing my nefue is out there ...living in this way ...and there is nothing I can do about it .....when my dad passes it will fall on me to ...be giving him some money ..because ..I just can't ..wounder ...if he is alive or dead ...and not know ware he is .....so ...I will keep you in my prayers ....I will pray for strength ...for you ...for guidance ....God has made us in his image ...and ..all that God has created is perfict ...it is your soul that is made in gods image and there fore perfict and eternal .........and strong ...and it lives wth in you ...call on that part of you ...reach deap inside ...that's ware you will find ..your greatest strength .........I will keep you always ....in my prayers ....be kind to your self ...love your self ....in here you are not alone .....God bless ....my friend ....

So do you have aids or something?

I wouldn't throw the baby out with the bathwater if I were you. Just because you can't be the thing you wanted to be before, doesn't mean you can't want to be something else. It's not 'only one future or death.' There are a myriad other futures. I think you need to learn how to roll with the punches. :)

you may feel bad for a while, but that doesn't mean you will feel bad forever. Why not just take this stuff one day at a time, and see what the future will bring.

Tut tut Bridgie there would be a HIV community on here...

But other a lot of the other stuff Bridgie is saying is correct...yr also only 26! You've got another 20 yrs of fathering and husbandry up yr sleeves!

(((Brian)))

I was going through the same issues at your age after I had been fired from a job and was only able to complete one Semester of a PostGrad after running out of money. (I still Graduated though)

My life has been put on hold for the past fifteen years, but now I'm learning better coping skills.

I want to thank everyone for their replies. It really means a lot.

Following up, I went to my psychiatrist and he worked me back up onto the doses of medications that I was on a few months back. It was hard having to admit to myself that I need the medications.

I would notice a surge in energy and happiness when I missed a dose. This lead me to believe that the medications were holding me down. This surge of energy and happiness persisted for months only to crash into a deep depression. Drug use followed.

However, the medications are beginning to bring me to a baseline mood level.

I will try to move on and continue with my life. I have a good job and an apartment that I need to keep.

I'm still confused about what I want from life.

"...a surge in energy and happiness when I missed a dose...persisted for months only to crash into a deep depression...
"I'm still confused about what I want from life."

There might be a med adjustment that can help maintain a level mood without blocking quite so much of the "energy and happiness" you have mentioned, but I have very little actual experience with meds in spite of my many mental and emotional challenges that have all been part of my chronic alcoholism of years past.