I guess for everyone figuring out that balance is going to be different. For me though, my parents are divorced. My mom's side of the family definitely has their issues (lots of untreated mental health stuff) but overall they've always been accepting of me. My dad and his side of the family has always been very judgmental of me. For a few years now I've completely cut myself off from them. At first I felt some guilt about it, but I'm honestly happy without having any contact with them. For a long time I had contact with my Grandma (who was the worst one) out of a sense of obligation, guilt and knowing that she's elderly. I've gotten to the point now that I have no guilt though. I think the circumstances are the way the are as a result of the consequences of their behavior. I don't need to feel guilty about doing what I need to take care of myself and for my own mental health. I don't even plan to go to any of their funerals, I don't wan to have to deal with any of them again. Like I said though, everyone is different and it may be much different then what you want with your family. Whatever you decide I hope it works for you. I know therapy really helped me to be at peace with it.

Wow, my situation is so similar- parents divorced when I was 10, lots of "step" issues- as an adult, mom's side has their issues, but dad's side I just can't handle- he is a preacher, so you can only imagine all that goes with that- I keep in touch with my grandma out of obligation, but just like you, she's the worst! Lots of guilt- I have moved away and become who I truly am...they just don't know that person and I'd rather not spend my life conforming to someone elses expectations of who/ what I am. I'm not a bad person, just not the person they want me to be- I'm 32, at what point does this stop?! they just won't let me be
feels so good to at least talk about it

nobody has to love you. my family doesn't love me. but some families are so addicted to the "dance" of codependency that they will try every avenue to insist that you help them continue it. codependency is not love. sometimes cutting off contact is the only solution when you're the only one who recognizes the problem. i hear over and over different comments that all amount to "blood is thicker than water". not always. if someone is hurting you, don't allow them to. i will not tolerate abuse from anyone, including family. i don't deserve it and if they don't understand it or can't see it, that's not my problem. do what's best for you. i have cut off all contact with all of my family except for my kids (who are grown) and it was the best thing i ever did.

In my 32 years I have learned that you can't please everyone, but you can sure piss off everyone and that is what I strive for instead.
Here is my situation:
I was born Feb 29th, 1980(yes, I am a leap year baby)
At age 2 my parents divorced and I never saw my father again.(I met him once when I was 21 and then purposely have avoided him since then.)
My mother is a complete bitch. Plain and simple. I can't remember any time where she wasn't yelling about something. her being the way she was pushed me away from her. I only call her now on mothers day and her birthday(which is on Nov 9th) so I have to call her soon *GAG*
She remarried to my step dad when I was 5. He was pretty mellow for the most part and I liked him a lot. Little did anyone know he had a meth habit.
My brothers, one is 26(Danny) and the other will be 23(Matt) in a few weeks. I chat or text with Danny quite often. Mostly text, but when we talk it could be for at least an hour or two. We are very similar in many ways. Especially Horror movies. Always on a quest to find good horror movies. Matt is a dick. I hardly ever talk to him.
Moving along, I had left Las Vegas with my then GF(or baby's mama) to Tyler, TX 3 days before Xmas in 2003. Biggest mistake of my life. That is where my ex and I broke up and I moved to Dallas area in 2006. Then landed my dream job here in 2007.
In 2008 my mom and step-dad divorced after 23yrs of marriage. Was after a 2nd huge meth binge of his. Which this time landed him in jail.

There is so much more to this story, but I am making it too long. So, you could say I am estranged. I blame my mom for making me 'afraid' of women. I been single for just over 6yrs now. So, romantic life sucks, but professional life is booming and I am starting to regain some of my health back. Everything with my son is going good too. I was in attempts to make a costume for him, but it failed miserably. They know I am bipolar, but they are by no means supportive, nor does it ever get brought up unless I say something about it. The family on my ex's side is supportive, but they have Jesus so far up their ass I can tell where they stop and he begins. They always say pray to God, blah, blah, blah, but I am an atheist and don't buy into all that. They also KNOW that I am an atheist too. Which is hilarious that they still try even after knowing me for almost 12yrs.
Simply put, I just don't call anyone except my son and my one brother, but no one calls me. I am sure if you just slowly stopped calling them then you've successfully separated yourself after a while. If you call them every couple days, change it to once a week. Then after a month or two, change it to every two weeks. after a few months change it to every month and so on.

I can deff relate to u on this post and feel for u. I just stopped talking to my mom because she always hurts me. She acts like more of a child and I end up having to help pay for things for her or do everything for her. Such as I helped her move and ended up taking care of all of it. She barely packed. I know she suffers from mental illness and refuses to get help or admit she needs it so its like fighting a losing battle. I always thought since we both suffered from depression that we could help each other but its like she is to far gone and believes nothing is wrong. My approach for that is I am sending her a letter and stepping back from this relationship. She needs to start taking care of herself for once. My grandparents and aunt don't understand my depression and I am still debating on trying to talk to them about it again but with all this drama with my mom it seems like it is not an appropriate time.

I was wondering if you feel that ur family loves u and maybe they just don't understand. If thats the case then keep them in ur life and talk to them when u can. If u feel like its something different then u need do do whats best for u. I know I try my hardest to keep my grandma and aunt in my life even though I don't call them to often. I know they love me eventhough they may not understand... I hope in the end u do wat is right for u. hugs

Thank you all so much for your responses. If I let myself, I will just sit around all day and feel sorry for myself for everything I have gone through and what a crappy family I have...but that doesn't do any good. On the one hand I feel so guilty for shutting them out without much of an explanation...but they don't call me either.
It helps so much to talk with others about it.

I know exactly how you feel, exactly! And no, they don't just love you because you think they have to. They love you because they "Love You".... Have you thought about talking with a therapist about your feelings about your family? That is my next step. I wish us both good luck. Hugs

I stopped seeing my therapist about 6 months ago- just couldn't afford it anymore. Hopefully I will win the publisher's clearing house in a few weeks so that won't be an issue! ;-)
Therapy is first on my list of things I need. Since it was so hard dealing with my family I just backed away and left everything undone.