Depression Support Group
Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.
Ok, I am not happy with the way I get treated when asking for more attempt on my husbands behalf to say complimentary things to me etc. as soon as I say ANYTHING- eg- I asked him on the weekend why doesn't he say if I look nice or pretty or something when he knows I've tried so hard to purposely impress him. He gets defensive and says, he doesn't want to be attacked because nothing he does is ever good enough ect etc same same he always says and then somehow managers to change things around so now he is shitty at me yet I'm the one that's brought it up. I went and found him hiding away (again) yesterday doing his own thing and said please look at me, we made eye contact and so I said, that he was the only person I know that can change things around and not have a proper adult conversation, that I am not trying to attack him and that I'm trying to be open and honest and get closer to him by letting him know what it is that I feel and would like and need. He didn't talk to me for the rest of the day, or night. I asked him before bed why does he get so angry at me when all I'm trying to do is get closer to him and better our relationship and he doesn't reply with anything. He says he doesn't want to be accused of not being there for me again.
It's so frustrating how he turns EVERYTHING back to me! The other day I asked if he saw any skimpys at the pub as any wife would and yet he does the same thing- gets shitty and says that I am not entitled (?) to even question him and that he can do what he likes.
I've realised I am getting ALOT more angrier and less sympathetic to his continuous pity me attitude. I hate the fact that I feel like we are growing apart the minute I try and be honest with myself.
Don't get me wrong, I love Him and I do love our life together as a family but I hate how I can't even feel comfortable enough to ask my own husband to throw me a compliment every once in awhile- he really does nothing to reassure me and so when I try to find the right time when things seem good between us to open up and have some conversations other then work then it backfires. It's like I have to pretend everything is fine for him to function. No constructive criticism or anything.
I keep wondering if I'm asking too much, but then I think- if he gently came to me and said he was feeling like I wasn't attractive to him anymore- omg the first thing I would do is hold him kiss him and tell him exactly how much I do! And then realise that maybe I don't show it enough for what he needs... so why can't he do the same? I don't want to argue and yet I don't want to pretend like I'm not hurting daily and need more from him.
I'm so tired of all of this and yet he really doesn't seem bothered at all, he just drifts thru his life in his little world knowing he has all the power...
I just can't seem to move forward with bettering our communication because he isn't trying. And yet I can't kid myself and pretend I don't need more, I'm a woman who wants the attention from my husband so I don't look for it anywhere else!
I'm sorry for the novel- I just need any advice - it's so frustrating... xxx
Thank u again xxx
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check out that smoke ring. It tasted really good. I smothered it with Maulls BBQ sauce which is Local to St. Louis and one of the best I ever had.....
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I was recently separated from my wife of 33 years and it's complicated. Anyway I rented a room about 15 minutes away and I see my kids about once a week. I see the people who own the house I live in once in a while but other than that I stay in my room where I do my cooking, wash dishes in the shower, read, color, and sleep. I get out at least once a day. I grocery shop and I attend 2 meetings...
Let's imagine you are in the forest and you come upon a deer. You want that deer to be your friend. Can you get that deer to be your friend if you chase it around?
Can you get that deer to be your friend if you complain that it won't be your friend?
what do you have to do to capture the heart of that deer?
That's what you have to do here.
Step BACK. Stop chasing this guy. Stop nagging this guy. Step BACK and let HIM step forward.
You're chasing him and wondering why he's running away, or else when cornered, turning and snarling. You're doing it. You're making it happen out of personal insecurity and wanting him to be what you want him to be. He's not a fairytale character; he's alive and breathing, and expressing his own existence to you when you push him. He ALSO has a right to be real.
You will have to carry your own personal insecurity in relationships, carry your own stress and frustration. Nobody has an obligation to compliment you ever at all: to ask for one is to make them not want to give one faster than any other thing to do that I know. So step back. Step back and let him show you who he is when he's not being harried.
Otherwise he'll leave you.
Men and women tend to communicate differently; even if we associate with both genders growing up, men and women tend to have different communication methods. (This is a generalization, but it sounds to me like this is at the core of your issue here.)
I am not saying one is better than the other, just that we need to be aware of the differences and adapt.
Here are a couple of observations from my life.
I don't like rapid fire conversation, and I prefer to have some quiet time in conversations. It does not matter if you ask me how my sandwich was, or what the chemical composition of caffeine is. I am going to take a moment to think before I answer. (The sandwich was great, no clue about the chemical composition of caffeine.) My wife likes more rapid fire answers, and often gives me a second to respond, then she fills in the answer she things I would make.
That bothers me to no end, and my usual response is to withdraw. Occasionally I will ask her if I really needed to be part of that exchange, and even less often I will remind her that I do not like it when she does that.
I guess my point is that your husband handles social interactions differently than you do.
Telling him to look you in the eye is a very aggressive move, and it puts you in control, and very likely makes him feel like he is back in second grade again.
I don't know what a skimpy at the pub is, but my guess is that means a young lady who dresses in skimpy clothing. By all means, if a group of guys are out and see a lady like that, they are going to notice her and talk about her among themselves. But coming home and telling your wife that you guys talked about such a lady is outside the guy code. WAY OUTSIDE!
Sorry if I rambled on here, just trying to suggest how a guy might see your situation.
Do you feel loved?
You say you feel he's playing games with you, and that he has all the power. Does that feel like love?
I am wondering. Having second thoughts. Have you seen a counsellor? I think marriage counselling could be useful, because I think your need for him to say you look pretty is covering up for not feeling loved. Or maybe I'm projecting... :D
I love him unconditionally and I do know that he loves me, I guess it's such a bigger story that it's hard to all compress into one post. I have no support. My whole family estranged me when our daughter was sexually assulted by a family member at only 4 years old. We were all very close. Especially my mum and dad and me. So I know I get desperate. I work my ass off being the positive sunshine in my husbands life, we have a very stressful business and two young girls that we juggle 24/7 all by ourselves and so it's hard. I know I put a lot of pressure on him trying to be all these people that I'm now missing from my life and it isn't fair. I'm just struggling not having a mum to tell me what a great mummy I am or a dad to tell me how proud he is of me anymore.... so it does all come down to him and that sucks. Thank u for all caring and helping me through this- u guys have all done more for me and my little family then my own family in the past year so I am very grateful to u all xxx
And I love reading people's opinions and thoughts.
I love self evaluating and continuously trying to improve myself... all ur advice helps!
For 24 years, when my wife would get out of bed in the morning, I would say the words, "Good morning beautiful" and we would always have a good day. Even on the dark days when times were rough, it was that little bit of light through the darkness that those three, seemingly insignificant words represented, that subconsciously said, we are both human, we both make mistakes but we both understand and accept that part of ourselves that says we are not perfect, and we forgive each other for our imperfections.
Hope this helps!
God Bless