I finally admitted to myself that I was clinically depressed when nothing else I was doing was helping and I was just getting worse and worse.

I come across as a "have it all" person - good job, family, home, designer shoes [LOVE my Manolos], the works. I was faking it all. The exterior was a big show.

When I admitted that I WAS depressed, everything changed. I finally had hope and I stopped feeling guilty about feeling depressed because by admitting it, I was finally open to getting help for it.

For me, a big a-ha moment came when I really understood that depression was a disease and that my brain probably isnt working right. And that's okay because I can fix it [to a certain extent].

I have felt this way...actually I've been feeling it in general lately. I have everything - a husband who loves me, a great family, some friends, a nice place to live... but life feels empty. It feels like there's something missing. But the problem is inside me, and when that is the case, it doesn't matter what you have in life. You sound like you could be clinically depressed. You could have a chemical imbalance that would respond well to medication..? I would see your GP who might refer you to a psychiatrist, and maybe think about seeing a counsellor who could dig a little deeper into your thought patterns and emotions..?

Depression doesn't care how good or bad your life is going. It will still get you if you are prone to it. You aren't just lazy. Depression tricks you into thinking you are, but you aren't. You are sick. It isn't a moral problem, or a problem with your work ethic. It is a chemical imbalance in your brain. Diabetics need insulin. We need antidepressants.

Thank you all for justifying me and the way I feel. It just doesn't make sense to me. I do believe I have a problem. I won't let myself be happy or satisfied with myself ever. I say I want to be happy but I reject any offer put before me to do anything. Why? My guy and kids are always trying to get me to go places or do things and at times I will drag myself there and pretend to enjoy it but I ALWAYS find something wrong with it, no matter what it is or where it is. I do enjoy talking to people or when company comes over but I even ruin that, trying to make sure everything is "just so" and I ALWAYS fall short of how I want everything to be. Why do I think I have to be everything to everybody? Why do I treat everyone better than I treat myself? Why can't I be happy!

there is a huge difference between depression and bordome.

"How do you know?" hehe Someone will tell you.

There are government based Psychologists in most every area. I didn't make a dime while i was in school, and paid a dollar for meds. The therapy was free. You should look for something like that in your area. I think psychotherapy would help you figure out the root of your tears and moods.

how long have you been feeling this way? i know you said you don't have insurance, but it might be a good idea to have a physical done first. sometimes its as simple as a thyroid or hormonal issue.

also, i don't know how active you are but exercise can do wonders for your moods.

if you think therapy would be helpful, there are places that offer free counseling services. usually through churches or charities.

hope you feel better soon!

Huge difference.. depression refuses to leave, so much so that you start to wonder if you can survive it. And THAT is when you know something is amiss. Boredom is far different but I guess if you've not experienced depression you could wonder if you're in the beginnings of it.. ? not sure.

As Soulsearch said, depression does not care what you have nor what you think of it... it comes and stays.

I'm not sure what your next step is, but if you begin to believe you could harm yourself please seek help.... and tell someone you're feeling that way. Hugs.

Thank you for responding. I am going to seek out some sort of help. I KNOW I have issues. I had surgery not long ago and had a complete physical workup. B-12 was low but everything else checked out. I guess they just didn't check my head closely enough. LOL I also have just gone through some very trying issues, lost my job and my home but I pulled it together got another job and a new, nice place to live but I now live in fear as well as all of my other issues. Just now getting back on my feet and afraid I could be laid off again and crash and burn. This inability to be happy goes way back, way before my financial crises. That just added to it!

I am reluctant to tell you to get on antidepressants. I just read a book that quoted lots of clinical tests that found most antidepressants didn't work any better than the placebo, or only worked for a short time. That is specifically for depression. But some mental conditions, like bipolar disorder or schizophrenia, are very treatable with drugs. It depends on what your diagnosis is, so I would start there.

What is your spiritual life like? Do you meditate?

I am not an especially churchy person, but I think we are all God's children, and all part of God. I believe this of every living thing. And I believe that we are all connected through spirit. That spirit, that we all have, is entirely good, joyful, loving, peaceful, giving. These are not my own kooky ideas, they are at the heart of many religions. Keeping my mind focused on my spiritual self and God keeps me joyful more than anything.

I am an artist and my art brings me joy too, but that is also about spirit.

Like yourself, I am very blessed. I have a lot to be grateful for, and I am. But my childhood was not so happy, and I learned some really unhealthy coping mechanisms that carried over well into my adulthood. I am 39 now, and still working on a lot of it! So I am wondering what your childhood was like? Do you have old guilt or shame you haven't dealt with? Fears or insecurities?

I also have some codependency issues and one thing you said makes me wonder if you have some of that too, "I don't even know how to have fun or what would please me." Codependent people are usually so busy taking care of everybody else that they lose sight of themselves, of their own needs and desires. Codependency doesn't require an addict in your family, just that you are more concerned with others than yourself. The good thing about it is that there are several good books that you could read or Codependents Anonymous if you want to get some support in dealing with it. There is also a codependency forum here on Daily Strength.

I hope you find the answers you are looking for and start feeling better soon. Don't feel bad for feeling bad! Those feelings are just letting you know you have things to work on, which you are already doing by posting here.

Depression is when you're in real emotional pain. Boredom is just...boredom. Laziness kinda goes with boredom.

Material things only get us so far. We all need passion I think. And where does passion come from? Some place deep inside, a need to love and love intensely. A good, healthy obsession is a good thing sometimes.

Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs....

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow%27s_hierarchy_of_needs

Anytime one of these are threatened or you are insecure about keeping them, there is bound to be some psychological changes.

I'd say, while you are figuring this out, see this as the doorway to where you want to be. It sounds like one of those changes in life where you have to get to know your own life again. You mourn the old life, and hopefully find the new just as valueable.