Depression Support Group

Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.

24,601 Members

160,807 Posts

2 Online

JulieMac21 01/11/2014

Hello, I don't come on here very often, but I've noticed my depression has come back pretty strong and was hoping someone could give me some advice. Aside from my depressed thoughts (not suicidal) I'm having a hard time dealing with some of my friends who are becoming more and more self centred. Most of them have their own mental illness they deal with on a regular basis and I've always tried to support them as much as I can (almost to a fault where I forget to address my own needs). I usually deal with my stuff on my own because I don't want to trigger my friends/ add to their own problems/ bother them, but lately I feel like they are only interested in talking about themselves. I recently lost two grandpa's and only one of my good friends has even acknowledged it. It's just really upsetting that people who I thought were always there for me can't even recognize that I'm having a really rough time and need some support. I don't know if I should say anything or start looking for more supportive friends? I'm not very good at standing up for myself and don't know if i'm overreacting or if I should do/say something. I tend to over think/ overanalyze everything but this has been wearing on me for a really long time. I don't think i'm asking for too much but I feel if I can't talk to my friends and feel supported by them then what do i have? Any advice would be wonderful. thanks :)

keepingthefaithalive 01/11/2014

I would recommend finding new friends. I have been exactly where you are and over the past year I've been trying hard to cultivate healthier and more supportive relationships. Try not to hold resentment towards your current friends, you can't ask someone to give something they don't have...and some people are so self involved they are incapable of being any other way unless they choose to make a change. You can't change people, unfortunately (lol.) Don't take it personally, you just befriended the wrong people. Keep in your mind the types of relationships you want, imagine the mutual support and care you'll share with them and keep putting yourself out there. You'll find them.

jaime123 01/11/2014

I have this issue as well. I am trying really hard to be more assertive; without being angry. My therapist told me to start small, like if someone does or says something that upsets me (ie; hurts my feelings) to tell them, and to always start with things like "when you said/did that, it hurt me...." or "I feel like...." and not to ever say things like "you always" or "you never" because it may make other people defensive. I don't know if that makes sense to you or if it helps at all, just advice I was given so I thought I would pass it on. If you have never been one to express your feelings, it is really really hard. Do you have family you could practice with? :)

anneccleaver 01/12/2014

Does your family show any support? Yeah, you may want to add to your friend mix and let your other friends figure out their own problems you don't have to completely cut them off just tell them that you are 'incredibly busy now days" this way you don't have to cut ties just expand more. Lean on family for now and when you can there is always college buddies or high school that you can reconnect with or even gatherings at the library that you can become aquainted with and even work. Hope this new year gets better for you.

JulieMac21 01/14/2014

Thanks everyone! I have a complicated relationship with my family but I have been spending more time with them and trying to meet more people through okc.

muskrattiger 01/14/2014

I have not read all your post but I can see you relay need to learn to say ...no ....NO.....and not feel bad about it......or worry that you might hurt someone's feelings ....you need to look after your self first ....you need to be number .......one .....that was my problem and I still have to watch my self ....I could not say no ...didn't matter that by doing things for others it was relay having a hard time on me I ran my self ragged for everyone and made my self sick .....and worry about everyone all the time and trying ti fix everything for them .....I would end up I between in my family and that was not good for me ......my doctor told me I had to be number......one .....and my h number ...two ...and the rest dident count .....I thought that was a little extreme.and dident know if I could even do it and learn to say no on top of that ......but if I wanted to get better that is what I had to do and so it took time and I still have to watch my self but it relay helps take care ......and rember to say NO ....and you are number...ONE .....god bless

Lala37 01/15/2014

I must say that I've always had a hard time understanding this with people. If these people are your friends, why don't you feel that you can talk to them about this or anything else? That's what friends are for(yes, I just thought of the song).

You need to talk to your friends and tell them that you're feeling this way. They can't read your mind and as you said they have their own illnesses as well that they're dealing with. I would never advise you to just drop them as friends and look for new ones without at least first trying to talk over the issues and see if they can be resolved. Would you want someone to do that to you?

If it's that it's hard for you to do, I can understand that as it can be hard for me to communicate my feelings as well. However, you need to do so. Getting a new group of friends won't solve this problem for you. It will happen with any group of friends you have until you make the decision to tell others how you're feeling. I would want to be given the respect of hearing the truth as to why my friend is feeling how they feel rather them just throwing away our friendship. I hope this makes sense to you and that you're able to talk to your friends. You'll never know how sincere they are until you do so. Best of wishes.

koolman 01/15/2014

Use words to those friends that specifically address that vision. I think you already have. That's assertion. Say exactly what you said here! That you've been focusing on others, to a fault, neglecting yourself. That sometimes you need some support and need to be listened to too.

You guys probably need to agree on some sort of structured, organized forum, where one of you gets to vent for 10 mins., and then that person has to be quiet and just listen to the other for 10 mins. If you can all work within the guidelines of that forum, you'll all be heard.

gramybear 02/02/2014

And when did their self worth become more important then yours? This is what I think a friendship should be about:
A person can hear;
but a friend listens for the meaning
a person can look;
but a friend sees the heart
A person can know,
but a friend understands your dreams.
Hugs GB

deleted_user 02/03/2014

I am not the biggesr fan of people. I have found that even friends tend to be self-absorbed. I had a similar situation this past summer with someone whom I believed to be a friend. I had just suffered two tragedies. We emailed each other, and she seemed caring, but when I would speak to her on the phone, she would grow more and more insensitive. During our last two conversations, she said some pretty insensitive things, not outright mean, but just totally in disregard of my feelings. After that, I cut the relationship off, because her presence in my life was having a very negative effect.
If you feel the friendship is worth saving, then by all means, say something and try to work it out. But if you feel like the person is having a detrimental effect on your life, maybe you can take a break from her.
As to why people act like this, I don't know. It is very difficult to find genuine, caring friends, and when you do, you have to value them. The most imoprtant part is being able to distinguish between the those that actually care and those that do not.

koolman 02/06/2014

Human nature IS selfish and has a tendency to pull in toward self. it's a survival mechanism. But there is a point when self-absorption has a negative effect on an otherwise wonderful friendship.

As I said before, increase your vocabulary, and don't be afraid to speak those words to those "friends" who continually twist your kindness toward their own, selfish ends. You may piss a few of these "friends" off, and that's okay, because those were not friendships worth having. Other friends will respect you more, and your words will have created a stronger foundation for the friendship.

Join the Conversation