This is the official breaking of my last emotional wall. After this everything within will be exposed, and I will be vulnerable. So sit back, keep an open mind, and prepare your mind for the wretched.
Aah, I love water, so beautiful and relaxing. What? Why is my world shaking? I open my eyes to a dark room, and him hovering over me. Come with me he says, and Im merely a child, so I only know to listen to adults. I follow. He leads me into his room, and locks the door. I sit on the bed. Am I in trouble I think to myself? No. he just wants to play a game, I like those, I play along. He touches my leg, I think nothing of it. He touches higher, this doesnt feel right, but I have known him all of my life, he wouldnt hurt me. Would he? He tells me to lie down, to relax, I obey. He asks me to take off my pajamas, I am scared. I need to see that youre healthy; your pajamas get in the way. He says. Stupid me I listen. Hes touching me again am I healthy? I ask myself. Why is he touching me so low? Im so cold. Why is he taking his clothes off? He lies beside me, this doesnt feel right, I try to leave. He grabs me, and pins me down. Dont scream or Ill have to punish you. Im quiet. He moves on top of me, I can feel pressure OUCH! Whats happening? This hurts. I start to cry, but it doesnt phase him. Im torn. He starts to grunt and pant, and all I feel is a warm liquid inside of me. Why me? He lies beside me, and tells me hell be back for me tomorrow night, and he was. Every night for 7 years he was there, and he got more aggressive. Yet, I cover the bruises and I hide the tears. What else can I do? I continue to grow up hiding the pain; I dont know what else to do. Were moving my parents say. Im so relieved, overjoyed, ecstatic. I begin to pack. I leave my unused toys, my dusty dolls, but I bring my clothes, poems, and tears of joy. Were in a new place, Im in a new school, with new children, and I now have a personality. I dont trust, every male is the enemy. Theyre waiting to hurt me. Months go by Halloween will be here soon, Im happy. Im in my costume, getting candy. Im stopped. Im pulled into a car. Not again! This hurts, what am I doing wrong? I begin to hide; I dont talk to people anymore, im scared of them. A year goes by, its October first itll be Halloween soon. Im staying home. I hear a knocking, but why? Its 11 at night. Whose this? Who cares? He just hit me. I fight back. Im knocked unconscious. When I wake I see the bruises, feel the liquid, and feel the depression. Why me?! What have I ever done? Im worth nothing, I have no meaning, I want to die. I slit my wrists, and see the blood. Why am I still living? I grab the rope and begin to hang, but I am cut down. Damn it let me die! Im tired of the pain. I stay cold to everyone
afraid of what they would do to me. Then I become friends with a girl.. Shawn. Our friendship seems to be going well. I get sad. She invites me to hang out with her for the night. I trust her. Her friend Brett comes over. They start drinking, I start drinking. Brett pins me, I yell no, I yell for help.. nothing. He rapes me. I lose my trust, I cry. Please wont you let me die?

*from my subconscious*
I see only darkness. Thats fine. I want to kill. Stab them, and see the blood. I see bodies. They arent normal their decaying faces, the maggots crawling over them consuming their flesh. Is that me? No matter what you do in life, you will decay, and you will be forgotten. Blood. I can see myself. Im lying in a corner, in a pool of my own blood; my heart has been ripped out and is lying beside me. My turn. I grab my knife, and begin to stab everyone around me. Let them all bleed, they deserve it. I lie down once more. I dont move again, Ive become the corpse, the body, no one cries for me. Briefly missed only to be inevitably forgotten.