I saw my doctor on Monday and surprised her by asking for a medication change. Yes it took me literally years to finally admit that my meds weren't working and that it was time to try something else. It's only been a few days but I think it's getting better. I was scared to change though as I was afraid of what would happen if the new meds actually made me worse. I didnt' think I could live through another severe blast from my illness. I was barely hanging on as it was, but at least I was alive---if you call that living. Right now I am not in agonizing pain from my depression and do not feel the usual suspiciosness and paranoia that I usually have to deal with all day long. And I don't feel the usual feelings of exhaustion that I always have. I am grateful for this and just hope it lasts. I've been taking meds. for over twenty years and nothing has worked before so I am naturally a little leary and dont' want to get my hopes up too high in case it all crashes back down on me again. I'm not religious but any prayers or good wishes are always appreciated. Thanks for reading.